I was lost and my faith was lost, too. I lost my faith in humanity, in myself and in us. I looked upon everyone as scum of the Earth; I assumed everyone was a liar, a cheater, a thief, a manipulator. I thought everyone was out to get everyone else, especially me. I feared that people only had one goal: to be horrible and make everyone miserable. In reality, I was being the horrible person and I was the one intent on making everyone else miserable because I would only be happy if they weren’t. And I wasn’t happy, as you would probably expect; I was a bully and I was miserable because I wouldn’t let myself be anything else.
Tonight, I saw a couple holding hands and I felt happy for them and I thought that it was such an unusual feeling and it was so tragic that it was unusual. I want to be happy for people; I don’t want my only satisfaction coming from making or seeing others miserable. But I can’t do that until I let go of some of my insecurities and perhaps some of my insecurities are well founded.
And I think I finally had a moment of acceptance today – acceptance of my own humanity. And it was such a relief to simply be rather than trying to be better. Such a weight was off my shoulders and it felt great, honestly, great. Sometimes I am so competitive, so unproductively competitive and, in the end, it all comes back around and makes me miserable. Others may have a hard time living up to my expectations but I have the hardest time of all.
I feel as though I’ve come to a new place, a better place and I recognize where I was before; I recognize it for how detrimental and self-destructive it really was. Not only that, but I can see how it was hurting others, hurting those I would never wish to hurt. But I was.
Furthermore, I see how I got to that place, what it was the dragged me so low and helped prevent me from coming back up again. And I can see how easy it would be for that dark force to enter my life again.
I don’t want to go back there again. I won’t. I would do anything to prevent that, anything.
Even if it means leaving.