Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 09

Come out, Come out

I’m the first one signed up to participate in WeBlogIt–the blogging project going on over at DayDreamz. Because I also run the project, I picked which theme would occur this week and so I will be writing all about things I hide from the world. I mused over this all this morning. I asked Dez what she thought I hid. I made some foods. I wrote some articles. I got some ideas.

The things I hide from the world are all things that I perceive as faults. Sometimes I can get pretty wrapped up in what others think of me, or what I fear others might think of me, even. So I hide things and this results in even the little things causing me stress.

For example, I hide the fact that I buy Mt Dew a lot. Everyone knows I love it but I also know it’s bad for me so I try not to let on how often I buy it. The truth is, I personally don’t care if it is bad for me (my bad) but I worry about what others might think if they knew how much I bought it. It’s okay, though. After I post this, I’m walking to the gas station to get a Dew. d=

I also hide my weight. Online, I don’t post full pictures but this habit comes out in real life, too. When I sit someplace, I frequently reach for a pillow to cover my midsection. I refuse photos a lot because of this. Or I’ll take a million and delete all but a handful that show the best side of me. During sex, I’ll pull the cover over me to hide my body and resist certain positions because I worry how I’ll look. I’m feeling more confident now that I’ve lost some weight but I’ve never entirely been comfortable in my own skin.

When people ask, I glaze over the fact that I have no driver’s license. Part of me isn’t bothered by it but part of me hates the fact that I’m so far “behind” that I don’t even want to talk about it because that means admitting my fault.

And I hide some of my negative feelings not just from others but from myself. I’ve written about it a few times but I have a hard time feeling things when I think, intellectually, that feeling that way isn’t helping me. Even if it’s completely expected for me to feeling negatively about a situation. I have a hard time accepting that. For a long time, I didn’t even think I could talk to my friends when something was bothering me. I’d like to think I’m better about that. After all, isn’t that why friends are even there? In many ways now, I’m pretty open.

I hide my roots from people. I come form a hard working but poor family and while I respect that, I also feel a sort of shame. I sometimes have a hard time introducing people to my family or bringing them into my family’s homes because I am afraid they will judge my family and, by association, me. This manifested itself a lot in my marriage. Although I secretly wished Ryan knew more of my family and got along with them and even though I know a lot of my family members are fun, I sort of avoided introducing him to people. In the end, I wound up hurting myself to avoid being hurt which is kind of par for the course when you do silly things like that.

19 comments on “Come out, Come out”

  1. Dez

    I’m the same way with my midsection. There are days that I’m perfectly comfortable but other times, like you I’ll refuse different sexual positions out of fear.

  2. I am also the same way about my tummy. I hate it. I will not be on top during sex because I don’t want my boyfriend looking at my fat! Shitty feeling..

  3. ^same as Dez. I have a really hard time showing my stomach. I feel like I walk with a pregnant woman’s body yet I’m definitely not pregnant. It makes me feel really uncomfortable in my skin.
    But Mtn Dew IS good! As for the family part… I’ve been the same way too. Most of the people in my life who meet my family have it so much better so they’ll see my mom’s small house and be like wow… But what they don’t see is she’s made this tiny house her home and she loves it.

  4. I hide a lot of my feelings, too, especially the negative ones. I usually take all of those out on my online friends (sorry guys!) because I feel like I have a certain image I have to maintain IRL. Maybe one day I’ll get over it – it’s the one thing I miss about therapy… my therapist was so cool and helped me work through everything!

  5. If people only knew how often I buy Coke. lol.

    I’m also the same about hiding my weight. I’m just now finally comfortable enough that I’ve stopped caring. I used to be the same, pillow and all.

  6. I relate a lot with the driver’s license. I can drive, I have attempted to take the test, but I do not do well when I know it’s a test and as a result, panic, freak out, over think and fail. I try and shrug it aside, but like you it does bother me– I just haven’t had the strength nor the capacity to get past the debilitating fear that encompasses me when I think about going back to take the test again. I guess we have that in common, I wasn’t ever aware of that. *hugs*

  7. I’m right there with you on the hiding feelings thing. It’s killed relationships and lead to fights more times than I care to count.

  8. No matter how close I am to my friends, I have a really hard time opening up about most things. I’ll feel like my emotions just aren’t right or worth talking about or will be interpreted wrong, so don’t./

  9. don’t ever be ashamed of your family. even though they are poor you said that they were also hard working. be proud of that.

    my family never really made much money and when i was a kid i was always embarassed about that. when my dad got sick i realized that we had so much when i was a kid even if it wasn’t designer clothing or a dvd player the week they came out. what we had was far more precious. cherish them while you can.

  10. You’re so brave to share all of this! I can relate to a lot of it. I don’t have a soda pop thing, but I spend WAY too much on sweets. All kinds. Ice cream, donuts, candy bars, whatever I can get pretty much, heh. And of course, that leads to similar self-conscious feelings about my squishy stomach…

  11. I am usually very honest and open when it comes to most things, but for some reason appearances are so important to me. I don’t leave my house unless I am dressed properly, make up done and hair in place. I don’t like to talk about money. In my family, we learned about money and were open about it in our family, but we were also taught it’s not “polite conversation” and so I try to avoid talking about it, at all.

  12. I know how it feels to behind with driving, I am still learning and my test is soon but I wish I had done it earlier :(

  13. I feel the same way about a lot of things you’ve said. Mostly the weight thing. I’ve been wearing shorts a lot since it’s too hot here in the summer and I’ve started getting self conscious and covering up my thighs because I think they’re HUGE. I use to hide the fact that I bought Coca Cola all the time, I’ve come to terms with that now. I think Bri is right, you are brave to share so much, I hope I am when it’s my turn to blog on this theme…

  14. I’m with you on a lot of this stuff, except for the soda and driver’s license. Preparing for weight loss surgery forced me to confront my weight, what I looked like and what it had done to me, and that was SO damn hard. I suddenly went from posting only the more flattering photos to the photos that let it all hang out. Ugh.

    Oh, and the work thing, too. Both my husband and I come from working class families. We’re proud of how hard they and we work, but it’s hard not to feel some shame when you’re around people who are obviously well off. Ergh.

  15. @Becky: That’s one thing I love about therapy. It’s their job to listen to your feelings. No guilt. d=

  16. @Courtney: I felt that way for so long. I’m much more accepting of my emotions, on the whole, and have grown to use my friends for their support all the time. I hope you can, too

  17. @Brianne: Yes, it’s definitely connected to weight thing. I fear people will think “that fat girl doesn’t need soda.”

  18. @Jenn: Yea, Ryan’s family is SO much better off. I felt uncomfortable all the time and I don’t think he could ever understand how different it was for him before of this. Even our quality of life as a young couple, where only he worked, is so much better than I was ever used to when I was younger.

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