The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Hello Twenty Twelve

2011 went out with a fizzle, not a bang, and so 2012 doesn’t quite feel like it’s here. Nothing really marked the end of my year in a noticeable way so it’s hard to believe this could be the year that the world ends — ha!

I do like to have something to get me in the mindset of the new year. Perhaps I just need to make a more dedicated effort next year to end my year with loved ones and maybe even a New Year’s kiss. ;)

Part of me is sad to see 2011 end because it was the best year of my life and a small part of me is worried that 2012 will not live up to it, especially considering how much I’ve been battling my anxiety lately.

Still, I bet this year will be pretty rawrsome either way.

Why?

I don’t know why but I constantly forget how significant certain things are when it comes to my mood. Being well rested, fed and clean among them. In hindsight, those are pretty significant things on that pyramid of survival — you know the one I mean, even if I forget the name — and I’m sure everyone agrees about food and sleep, even if I’m more of a clean freak than others. Still, I will let myself be hungry for hours or prolong my shower, even though dealing with those things right now will make me feel a million times better even if nothing else about my day changes.

And it’s ridiculous because every time I finally do eat or sleep or shower or decide to pop some medicine to kill that headache, I’m like “oh my god! I feel so good. Why did I wait to do that? What is wrong with me?” My productivity shoots through the roof, my mood elevates and everything is all fine and dandy until the next time I feel hunger or the next morning when I put off my shower.

I am weird, man.

 

Admission

Now that I have DirecTV back, I can tune into reruns and trashy reality TV. Actually, I don’t watch a whole lot of reality television and there’s so much of it that you really need to pick one and stick with it to make sure you don’t miss what happens.. but I missed stumbled out of bed and crawling onto the couch to watch a little bit of mind-numbing TV before actually getting up. It helps me to relax. Today, when I woke up, I did that and turned into Sister Wives. This show is definitely one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to TV. You’ve probably heard of it but, in case you haven’t, Kody Brown is an immature douchebag who also happens to be a Mormon and polygamist and has four wives and 16 kids. 16. 1 more on the way, too.

I missed a lot of the happenings but it appears that the family has moved from a triplex in Utah to four separate homes in Nevada because the authorities were starting to investigate them. Season three is almost at its end but the episodes I watched seemed to indicate that it focused on kids: how they felt about moving, some of them getting ready for college and the struggles of having so many teenagers. I wouldn’t want to live in any of those houses, I must confess.

But other than the simply synergistic stresses of having a family so large, I kind of feel like the Browns are doing okay at it. If you’re going to try your hand at it, going their route is probably the most sane way to do it. The wives help each other out and, for the most part, seem happy with their plans. Other seasons really stressed jealousy and the frustrations over Kody courting Robyn and adding her as the fourth wife but this season seems to have settled down and it seems as though things are working out okay. It makes me wonder if the focus on the jealousy and such was just for TV. As a viewer,  I don’t know because I don’t have an inside look.

There’s still a few things that bug me, though. Kody acts like a teenager much of the time and the wives definitely have better relationships with the children — all of them — than he does. He seems a little disconnected. This is perfectly evidenced by the fact that he drives a sports car and it’s up to any of the wives to be the soccer mom. Dude, get a fucking minivan and help those women out, will ya?

Plus, I just can’t help but wonder who’s paying for everything. After moving, everyone was out of a job, at least temporarily. TLC is really tight-lipped about how much Kody and crew make, too. It boggles me. I can’t understand how they can afford 16 kids and four adults. It’s hard enough being a single person but I can’t imagine how much money they have to pay just to get by.. and they all seem to be doing fairly well. Taxes must be a bitch, too. Three of the wives have to claim single and I can’t help but wonder why the authorities aren’t all up in Kody’s grill regarding child support. Hell, even before Mom and Tim got married, the state made him pay it while they were living together.

I’m probably going to finish this season because that’s how I roll.

Yes

The movie “Yes, Man” really resognated with me in a powerful way. It sounds kind of silly in writing but it did. And so, I decided, with the prompting of my now ex-husband, that I needed to say yes to more things. I began to wonder if perhaps I was missing out because I was declining invitations and turning down ideas to do things simply because they did not sound immediately interesting. But, perhaps there was enjoyment to be found in doing something with people I love or simply to try new things even if they weren’t exactly my cup of tea or if my anxiety surrounding new activities can be frustrating.

So, for the past year or so, I’ve said “Yes” a lot. I’ve wound up doing things that I probably wouldn’t have done, simply to spend time with friends and family and expand my horizons. I’ve wound up having some good times and enjoying myself quite a bit and am glad of my decision to be a Yes, man. Or woman, as it may be.

I think I’ve come out on the other side of the equation, however. There’ve been a few times when saying “yes” to something wound up being pretty stressful and the payout far lower than the sacrifice or effort than I had to come in. I’ve come to the point where saying yes to some things just isn’t worth it. I never meant to say yes to every thing but it just sort of happened that I was rarely saying “no” and maybe I temporarily forgot I could reject an invitation, too.

I have been reminded of that and I’ve also been reminded that sometimes, no matter how much fun others may have and how many people I love may be doing it, some things just aren’t for me. It’s okay to say “no” when I know I’ll have felt like I’ve wasted my time after. Sometimes not doing something is exactly the change of pace I need. There’s no forcing myself to enjoy something that I just don’t find enjoyable.

I’m much more open to ideas than I once was and I think that’s the point, to consider things, to try some new things but not to run myself ragged in the process.

Can I blog about you?

At what point in a new friendship is it okay to ask this question? Because I really feel awkward mentioning people in my blog — by name — if I haven’t received express permission and haven’t already been blogging about them for years. But these people are important to me and in my life and I want you to know about them. But no one in my offline life blogs and few people understand the significance of my blog or even blogging in general.

Am I fretting too much? Should I just do what feels right? Should I change names?  When did this sense of privacy and respect even come about the begin with?

 

 

Woo!

It’s no big secret that I suck as relaxing and I as doing my fair share of being anxious last night as my cousin and I hit the fair. I didn’t reaally want to go but once we did and were on the rides, I had a lot of fun. It’s hard to think about how tired you are when you’re whipping around, moving back and forth or in giant circles. Adrenaline just takes over.

Although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on the Ring of Fire–although I’d been on it before-we climbed in. The design ensures that you pause upside down at some points and it was during these points that I felt immensely relaxed. After all, there is NO use trying to think about anything else when you’re upside down; it’s not like you can do anything about it. And everything is literally out of your control. Either the ride returns to normal and you go on with your life and it doesn’t: you die. There’s nothing to do but surrender to the moment and surrender I did, peacefully quiet while others around me screamed (or sobbed).

Yea, I’m like that.

In Which I Blog About Collin.. Again, Sort Of

Last week, I was arguing with Collin about rooting my phone, re-rooting, actually. I told him I planned on waiting because I knew the official Android update was on its way and Google it to show him. And you know what? It was all “TOMORROW YOU GET GINGERBREAD COLE” and I was all “TOMORROW I GET GINGERBREAD COLLIN.” Maybe I shouted, maybe I didn’t. All I know it this: I was tired. I was waiting for the management to show up for a previously-announced check, one that didn’t have me worried at all because everyone knows we only have two cats. 2. Dos. Deux.

And then Collin messaged and was like “You shouldn’t update cause it’ll make rooting harder. Rooot. Rooooot. Roooot. O hai, btw your update is out now!”

And so I grabbed my phone and checked for the update and, like oh my god, there it was. So I began downloading but it was taking too long so then I went and stood by the router. It still too long. I set my phone down and went and did stuff and, when I got back, it was locked and I realized this meant the download stopped because of my battery saver app. Fuck.

So then I unlocked it and didn’t let it lock again until the download finished but, lo and behold, the file was corrupt so I had to do it all over again. You guys, that’s totally unfair. So, during this whole thing, Wendy starts texting me on her break and she asks if the people have showed up and they totally hadn’t but by the time I sent “No” as a response, they did. The lady was in and out in thirty seconds–just like a man, I tell ya–and I was like “Wait, nevermind. They were here.”

So finally I decide to go to sleep but I can’t because I haven’t even had the chance to play with Android 2.3.3. I went up 1.3 versions, guys! So I let it install and freak out a little bit as it seems to get stuck on the “4G” screen but then it restarts a million times and zomg new stuff! I don’t want to write a review on it but there’s a few things I quite like:

• Different Sense buttons
• Skins for Sense
• The cool, colored notification bar when I’m on the phone
• Recent apps in the notification bar
• Frequently used apps
• Swype

I have a few complaints. One, it reset my ringtones and I’m too lazy to fix that. Two, I don’t know how to work the alarm anymore. I went to hit snooze and woke up two hours later. LOL Three.. Eh, I don’t know about three. I’m sure there’s one.

Anyway, my phone seems to run a lot faster. And I finally got my damned Google Music invite. This is awesome. I’ve never had a phone that was cool enough to get updates before.