The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

In Which I Blog About Collin.. Again, Sort Of

Last week, I was arguing with Collin about rooting my phone, re-rooting, actually. I told him I planned on waiting because I knew the official Android update was on its way and Google it to show him. And you know what? It was all “TOMORROW YOU GET GINGERBREAD COLE” and I was all “TOMORROW I GET GINGERBREAD COLLIN.” Maybe I shouted, maybe I didn’t. All I know it this: I was tired. I was waiting for the management to show up for a previously-announced check, one that didn’t have me worried at all because everyone knows we only have two cats. 2. Dos. Deux.

And then Collin messaged and was like “You shouldn’t update cause it’ll make rooting harder. Rooot. Rooooot. Roooot. O hai, btw your update is out now!”

And so I grabbed my phone and checked for the update and, like oh my god, there it was. So I began downloading but it was taking too long so then I went and stood by the router. It still too long. I set my phone down and went and did stuff and, when I got back, it was locked and I realized this meant the download stopped because of my battery saver app. Fuck.

So then I unlocked it and didn’t let it lock again until the download finished but, lo and behold, the file was corrupt so I had to do it all over again. You guys, that’s totally unfair. So, during this whole thing, Wendy starts texting me on her break and she asks if the people have showed up and they totally hadn’t but by the time I sent “No” as a response, they did. The lady was in and out in thirty seconds–just like a man, I tell ya–and I was like “Wait, nevermind. They were here.”

So finally I decide to go to sleep but I can’t because I haven’t even had the chance to play with Android 2.3.3. I went up 1.3 versions, guys! So I let it install and freak out a little bit as it seems to get stuck on the “4G” screen but then it restarts a million times and zomg new stuff! I don’t want to write a review on it but there’s a few things I quite like:

• Different Sense buttons
• Skins for Sense
• The cool, colored notification bar when I’m on the phone
• Recent apps in the notification bar
• Frequently used apps
• Swype

I have a few complaints. One, it reset my ringtones and I’m too lazy to fix that. Two, I don’t know how to work the alarm anymore. I went to hit snooze and woke up two hours later. LOL Three.. Eh, I don’t know about three. I’m sure there’s one.

Anyway, my phone seems to run a lot faster. And I finally got my damned Google Music invite. This is awesome. I’ve never had a phone that was cool enough to get updates before.

I’m Okay. You’re Okay. Etc.

Father’s Day has been over for a few hours. I suppose I could feel relieved but I don’t, not really. Lately, not having a father has weighed on me more heavily than it has in the past. Certainly, as Father’s Day looms in the horizon and the commercials are all about loving fatherly relationships and the gifts that show your thanks, I have time to wonder what it would be like if I had ever had the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day and if I ever will. Will there be a day when I have children of my own and I craft presents from infants to a man that I love? As they grow will we create home-made gifts together?

I can’t blame the people I love for taking their dads for granted because it should be something that you can take for granted. No one should be missing something so critical to development, to happiness, to life. Yet, here I am, lacking a father and more-or-less okay without one. It perhaps took some extra hard work on my part and I fight my tendencies to be sexist (after all, I could easily say that almost every male I have ever trusted has hurt me somehow) on a daily basis but I make the effort and I come out on top in spite of it.

Perhaps that’s all there is to it. To survive this, I control myself because I certainly can’t tell people to stop having fathers or companies to stop posting Father’s Day commercials. Some things just are what they are and, in the meantime, I’m okay.

Mirror Images

Once upon a time, I would avoid the mirror. I’d run past, especially if I were naked. I’d force my gaze to stray from the areas I didn’t like. There wasn’t much that I did like. And it wasn’t just the morning routine that was disturbed by my self loathing. It was detrimental to my relationships. My self-consciousness infiltrated every area of my life in a way that others probably didn’t understand and maybe you can’t also understand unless you’ve been there, too.

Lately, as I’ve watched the pounds slowly melt off, as I’ve put on pants that I couldn’t wear for years, as I’ve shopped for clothes that actually fit, as I’ve found styles that accent my curves, I’ve been less reluctant to face what the mirror has to show me. I started with small steps. I allowed forced myself to view a little at a time, then a little more. Now I can stand in front of the mirror in full. I suppose I have desensitized myself to the images that I had convinced myself were so vile before.

Now I see me in the mirror, every day, as I apply lotion. I see my skin, my hair. I see my shape, I see my scars, my marks, my blemishes. I don’t love it all but I don’t hate it, either, and that’s the accomplishment. I don’t flinch or run away. I am more or less at peace and, yes, sometimes even happy with what I see, with parts that I used to hate.

The difference plays out in my life. I walk taller, shoulders back with my chin up. I spend more time beautifying myself. I laugh more. I am less self conscious in public, which makes me less uptight in general. I am more open because I am not trying to hide myself for fear that someone may realize that I am not an attractive person or, rather, that I don’t find myself attractive.

All this confidence only pushes me to do more because I can see it, in those mirror images, that I am almost where I want to be.

Sorry

Well, not to you, dear reader. “Sorry” to the folks who might want to purchase advertising on this here site. You see, I won’t do it. It’s that simple. I have in the past put up one or two paid blog posts and I felt awful about it, even when paid blogging was my only source of income. Now that I have other income, I have absolutely no need to sell any sort of advertising on this site. I do some of that on Reviews by Cole. Really, advertising and paid blogging were a heavy focus of the blog. It has since shifted, ever so slightly, toward sponsored reviews and giveaways but the focus of this site, of this blog, has always been personal.

I come here to tell you how I feel, what I’m doing, what I’m thinking, where I’m at with life. Perhaps I have no one else to talk to, perhaps I just need to get something out. I put that here. It’s not always happy, it’s not always deep and it may not interest everyone but it’s always me. And you come here, hopefully, to connect with me not necessarily because of the content of the site but because of who is bringing you that content. As the official content bring (TM) of Her Realm, I just don’t feel like selling advertising will ever connect me with my readers, even if it gives me extra spending money, even if the advertising would be subtle and will be customized to fit my blog.

If you’re looking at this site and wondering if you might place a link, you can head to my other blog or someone else’s entirely. There are many bloggers who are selling advertising next to their life stories and more power to them. It’s just not my thing. Sorry (but not really).

P.S. If I tell you “No” and you persist, you’re a fucking douchebag.

Lazy Day

I intended for today to be a lazy, do-nothin’ type of day. Yet, somehow, I feel accomplished. The plan was to stay in my pajamas for the few hours I’d be awake, do a little writing, catch a snack and go back to bed. While I still plan to hit the hay sooner than later (let me fill you in on a secret: it was already dark when I woke up today!), I feel as though I’ve already finished so much.

As I type this, I am winding down and watching a movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas (I’ve finally opened my collector’s edition–it’s only been over a year!). I wrote, rooted my phone, edited some final settings after my second Windows reinstall, put away laundry, showered and shaved and even cleaned the toilet. Combined with the cleaning I did this morning, I am some sort of awesome get-er-done robot. With boobs.

Perhaps I feel accomplished because I set out to do nothing and did anything at all. Regardless, it feels good and anxiety is low.

I Want a Kite

I’ve never gone kite flying so I decided that this would be the year. I will buy a fancy kite or a kite that strikes my fancy and head to park on a windy day and try–or fail–to fly a kite. It doesn’t matter. Meaning is in the journey and all that. So here I am browsing the Internet for kites, figuring I’d find some pretty diamond one but, no, they all blow my damned mind!

I don’t hate it.

I used to hate a lot of things. Or, at least, dislike many things. I used to look for the negative and find it quite easily. Let’s face it, finding the negative is almost always easier. It’s easy to look at the world with harsh eyes. But lately I’ve found myself using the phrase “I don’t hate it.” For instance, I bought this perfume and it was only $4 and even though it’s kind of weird and doesn’t last long, I don’t hate it. Success. In fact, I may have uttered a variation of that to Robyn when we were shopping.

I don’t hate it and nothing is permanent and that is good enough. Good enough? Who ever would have thought that the girl who likes things the way she likes them would ever settle for “good enough?” It’s not all of the time, I still have progress to make, but I have made progress and I have made it so well that I haven’t even realized it. I’m not straining everyday to be positive. Sometimes, I don’t need to even think about being positive; I just do it. Sometimes I accept that “I don’t hate it” is okay, that I don’t need to say “I love it” about everything.

Nevertheless, being relaxed is still a struggle most days. My anxiety and tendency to thinkthinkthink is ever-present. I sometimes slip back into my old habits and focus on how much more I need to improve instead of congratulating myself for the improvements I have made. It’s these sudden realizations of what I am doing or haven’t been doing that seem to boost my confidence and, as a result, ease my anxiety the most.

One thing that I have recently come to accept is that, no matter how much progress I do make, no matter how much I change the way I think, my anxiety is something that I will never be able to fully eliminate. It is something that I can manage but it is something that will always be there if I continue to go the non-medicinal route (and, to be honest, may still exist even if I do choose to go that route). I will never get a full reprieve from my anxiety but accepting that fact means I have far less anxiety about my anxiety (meta-anxiety?).

Less anxiety, in turn, means less insomnia. Or so I hope. It’s been ridiculously difficult lately. Luckily, I’ve stumbled across a few different apps for the Android and iPod that offer some sleep solutions. In fact, I used one last night that was terrific!