The Scrolls » Thoughts

Changing My Tune

Cole — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:17:56 +0000

When I first heard that there were not one, but two!, fairy-tale inspired stories coming to night-time television last fall, I was pretty excited. I wanted to check out both Grimm and One Upon a Time and.. I did. I actually watched Grimm first and couldn’t get into it, at first. The format was more dramatic and crime procedural than I expected so I turned it off within a few minutes, despite feeling that the main character was pretty hot.

I think I forced myself to like Once Upon a Time because there was no way I was going to not like any fairy-tale television show. And I like how the plot incorporates your favorite stories into a modern day version. There’s enough of a spin to keep it interesting and some of the characters are masterfully cast. Specifically, Mr Gold/Rumpelstiltskin and the mayor. There’s some cheesy CGI and plot holes in general but nothing that will keep me from watching it. It’s a family-friendly show that requires a little bit of suspension of disbelief but it feels good and.. magical.

But I decided to give Grimm another chance the other night and now.. I have to admit that I not only like it but I like it better than I like Once Upon a Time but.. it’s not fairy-tale-esque. Although the main character is a descendent of the ancient Grimm family and, as such, is expected to hunt monsters like werewolves and such, it’s not about fairy tales. Because he’s a cop, this definitely has a dramatic, police feel to it. So it’s not magical but, that’s okay. I already have a magical show to watch.

As I described Grimm to Wendy, she asked if it was like Supernatural. It’s not quite as dark but, yes. Most of the adversaries have been were-like creatures: bears, pigs, bees and, yes, wolves. There was a stay ogre, too. Grimm isn’t necessarily any more realistic than Once Upon a Time and the focus is more on the drama and action than on the characters, like in One Upon a Time, which focuses on character development. Still, I really enjoy the main character’s werewolf buddy. He brings some great comic relief to the show and was well cast himself. Grimm also has some of the same CGI problems but it feels a little more polished than Once Upon a Time.

Anyway, they’re both good but only one of them is really about fairy tales.

Hello Twenty Twelve

Cole — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 07:49:30 +0000

2011 went out with a fizzle, not a bang, and so 2012 doesn’t quite feel like it’s here. Nothing really marked the end of my year in a noticeable way so it’s hard to believe this could be the year that the world ends — ha!

I do like to have something to get me in the mindset of the new year. Perhaps I just need to make a more dedicated effort next year to end my year with loved ones and maybe even a New Year’s kiss. ;)

Part of me is sad to see 2011 end because it was the best year of my life and a small part of me is worried that 2012 will not live up to it, especially considering how much I’ve been battling my anxiety lately.

Still, I bet this year will be pretty rawrsome either way.

Why?

Cole — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:36:16 +0000

I don’t know why but I constantly forget how significant certain things are when it comes to my mood. Being well rested, fed and clean among them. In hindsight, those are pretty significant things on that pyramid of survival — you know the one I mean, even if I forget the name — and I’m sure everyone agrees about food and sleep, even if I’m more of a clean freak than others. Still, I will let myself be hungry for hours or prolong my shower, even though dealing with those things right now will make me feel a million times better even if nothing else about my day changes.

And it’s ridiculous because every time I finally do eat or sleep or shower or decide to pop some medicine to kill that headache, I’m like “oh my god! I feel so good. Why did I wait to do that? What is wrong with me?” My productivity shoots through the roof, my mood elevates and everything is all fine and dandy until the next time I feel hunger or the next morning when I put off my shower.

I am weird, man.

Admission

Cole — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:50:40 +0000

Now that I have DirecTV back, I can tune into reruns and trashy reality TV. Actually, I don’t watch a whole lot of reality television and there’s so much of it that you really need to pick one and stick with it to make sure you don’t miss what happens.. but I missed stumbled out of bed and crawling onto the couch to watch a little bit of mind-numbing TV before actually getting up. It helps me to relax. Today, when I woke up, I did that and turned into Sister Wives. This show is definitely one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to TV. You’ve probably heard of it but, in case you haven’t, Kody Brown is an immature douchebag who also happens to be a Mormon and polygamist and has four wives and 16 kids. 16. 1 more on the way, too.

I missed a lot of the happenings but it appears that the family has moved from a triplex in Utah to four separate homes in Nevada because the authorities were starting to investigate them. Season three is almost at its end but the episodes I watched seemed to indicate that it focused on kids: how they felt about moving, some of them getting ready for college and the struggles of having so many teenagers. I wouldn’t want to live in any of those houses, I must confess.

But other than the simply synergistic stresses of having a family so large, I kind of feel like the Browns are doing okay at it. If you’re going to try your hand at it, going their route is probably the most sane way to do it. The wives help each other out and, for the most part, seem happy with their plans. Other seasons really stressed jealousy and the frustrations over Kody courting Robyn and adding her as the fourth wife but this season seems to have settled down and it seems as though things are working out okay. It makes me wonder if the focus on the jealousy and such was just for TV. As a viewer, I don’t know because I don’t have an inside look.

There’s still a few things that bug me, though. Kody acts like a teenager much of the time and the wives definitely have better relationships with the children — all of them — than he does. He seems a little disconnected. This is perfectly evidenced by the fact that he drives a sports car and it’s up to any of the wives to be the soccer mom. Dude, get a fucking minivan and help those women out, will ya?

Plus, I just can’t help but wonder who’s paying for everything. After moving, everyone was out of a job, at least temporarily. TLC is really tight-lipped about how much Kody and crew make, too. It boggles me. I can’t understand how they can afford 16 kids and four adults. It’s hard enough being a single person but I can’t imagine how much money they have to pay just to get by.. and they all seem to be doing fairly well. Taxes must be a bitch, too. Three of the wives have to claim single and I can’t help but wonder why the authorities aren’t all up in Kody’s grill regarding child support. Hell, even before Mom and Tim got married, the state made him pay it while they were living together.

I’m probably going to finish this season because that’s how I roll.

Yes

Cole — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:14:54 +0000

The movie “Yes, Man” really resognated with me in a powerful way. It sounds kind of silly in writing but it did. And so, I decided, with the prompting of my now ex-husband, that I needed to say yes to more things. I began to wonder if perhaps I was missing out because I was declining invitations and turning down ideas to do things simply because they did not sound immediately interesting. But, perhaps there was enjoyment to be found in doing something with people I love or simply to try new things even if they weren’t exactly my cup of tea or if my anxiety surrounding new activities can be frustrating.

So, for the past year or so, I’ve said “Yes” a lot. I’ve wound up doing things that I probably wouldn’t have done, simply to spend time with friends and family and expand my horizons. I’ve wound up having some good times and enjoying myself quite a bit and am glad of my decision to be a Yes, man. Or woman, as it may be.

I think I’ve come out on the other side of the equation, however. There’ve been a few times when saying “yes” to something wound up being pretty stressful and the payout far lower than the sacrifice or effort than I had to come in. I’ve come to the point where saying yes to some things just isn’t worth it. I never meant to say yes to every thing but it just sort of happened that I was rarely saying “no” and maybe I temporarily forgot I could reject an invitation, too.

I have been reminded of that and I’ve also been reminded that sometimes, no matter how much fun others may have and how many people I love may be doing it, some things just aren’t for me. It’s okay to say “no” when I know I’ll have felt like I’ve wasted my time after. Sometimes not doing something is exactly the change of pace I need. There’s no forcing myself to enjoy something that I just don’t find enjoyable.

I’m much more open to ideas than I once was and I think that’s the point, to consider things, to try some new things but not to run myself ragged in the process.

Can I blog about you?

Cole — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 09:13:47 +0000

At what point in a new friendship is it okay to ask this question? Because I really feel awkward mentioning people in my blog — by name — if I haven’t received express permission and haven’t already been blogging about them for years. But these people are important to me and in my life and I want you to know about them. But no one in my offline life blogs and few people understand the significance of my blog or even blogging in general.

Am I fretting too much? Should I just do what feels right? Should I change names? When did this sense of privacy and respect even come about the begin with?

Woo!

Cole — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 21:49:59 +0000

It’s no big secret that I suck as relaxing and I as doing my fair share of being anxious last night as my cousin and I hit the fair. I didn’t reaally want to go but once we did and were on the rides, I had a lot of fun. It’s hard to think about how tired you are when you’re whipping around, moving back and forth or in giant circles. Adrenaline just takes over.

Although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on the Ring of Fire–although I’d been on it before-we climbed in. The design ensures that you pause upside down at some points and it was during these points that I felt immensely relaxed. After all, there is NO use trying to think about anything else when you’re upside down; it’s not like you can do anything about it. And everything is literally out of your control. Either the ride returns to normal and you go on with your life and it doesn’t: you die. There’s nothing to do but surrender to the moment and surrender I did, peacefully quiet while others around me screamed (or sobbed).

Yea, I’m like that.

In Which I Blog About Collin.. Again, Sort Of

Cole — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 14:57:52 +0000

Last week, I was arguing with Collin about rooting my phone, re-rooting, actually. I told him I planned on waiting because I knew the official Android update was on its way and Google it to show him. And you know what? It was all “TOMORROW YOU GET GINGERBREAD COLE” and I was all “TOMORROW I GET GINGERBREAD COLLIN.” Maybe I shouted, maybe I didn’t. All I know it this: I was tired. I was waiting for the management to show up for a previously-announced check, one that didn’t have me worried at all because everyone knows we only have two cats. 2. Dos. Deux.

And then Collin messaged and was like “You shouldn’t update cause it’ll make rooting harder. Rooot. Rooooot. Roooot. O hai, btw your update is out now!”

And so I grabbed my phone and checked for the update and, like oh my god, there it was. So I began downloading but it was taking too long so then I went and stood by the router. It still too long. I set my phone down and went and did stuff and, when I got back, it was locked and I realized this meant the download stopped because of my battery saver app. Fuck.

So then I unlocked it and didn’t let it lock again until the download finished but, lo and behold, the file was corrupt so I had to do it all over again. You guys, that’s totally unfair. So, during this whole thing, Wendy starts texting me on her break and she asks if the people have showed up and they totally hadn’t but by the time I sent “No” as a response, they did. The lady was in and out in thirty seconds–just like a man, I tell ya–and I was like “Wait, nevermind. They were here.”

So finally I decide to go to sleep but I can’t because I haven’t even had the chance to play with Android 2.3.3. I went up 1.3 versions, guys! So I let it install and freak out a little bit as it seems to get stuck on the “4G” screen but then it restarts a million times and zomg new stuff! I don’t want to write a review on it but there’s a few things I quite like:

Different Sense buttons
Skins for Sense
The cool, colored notification bar when I’m on the phone
Recent apps in the notification bar
Frequently used apps
Swype

I have a few complaints. One, it reset my ringtones and I’m too lazy to fix that. Two, I don’t know how to work the alarm anymore. I went to hit snooze and woke up two hours later. LOL Three.. Eh, I don’t know about three. I’m sure there’s one.

Anyway, my phone seems to run a lot faster. And I finally got my damned Google Music invite. This is awesome. I’ve never had a phone that was cool enough to get updates before.

I’m Okay. You’re Okay. Etc.

Cole — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 07:51:34 +0000

Father’s Day has been over for a few hours. I suppose I could feel relieved but I don’t, not really. Lately, not having a father has weighed on me more heavily than it has in the past. Certainly, as Father’s Day looms in the horizon and the commercials are all about loving fatherly relationships and the gifts that show your thanks, I have time to wonder what it would be like if I had ever had the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day and if I ever will. Will there be a day when I have children of my own and I craft presents from infants to a man that I love? As they grow will we create home-made gifts together?

I can’t blame the people I love for taking their dads for granted because it should be something that you can take for granted. No one should be missing something so critical to development, to happiness, to life. Yet, here I am, lacking a father and more-or-less okay without one. It perhaps took some extra hard work on my part and I fight my tendencies to be sexist (after all, I could easily say that almost every male I have ever trusted has hurt me somehow) on a daily basis but I make the effort and I come out on top in spite of it.

Perhaps that’s all there is to it. To survive this, I control myself because I certainly can’t tell people to stop having fathers or companies to stop posting Father’s Day commercials. Some things just are what they are and, in the meantime, I’m okay.

Mirror Images

Cole — Wed, 18 May 2011 01:14:46 +0000

Once upon a time, I would avoid the mirror. I’d run past, especially if I were naked. I’d force my gaze to stray from the areas I didn’t like. There wasn’t much that I did like. And it wasn’t just the morning routine that was disturbed by my self loathing. It was detrimental to my relationships. My self-consciousness infiltrated every area of my life in a way that others probably didn’t understand and maybe you can’t also understand unless you’ve been there, too.

Lately, as I’ve watched the pounds slowly melt off, as I’ve put on pants that I couldn’t wear for years, as I’ve shopped for clothes that actually fit, as I’ve found styles that accent my curves, I’ve been less reluctant to face what the mirror has to show me. I started with small steps. I ~~allowed~~ forced myself to view a little at a time, then a little more. Now I can stand in front of the mirror in full. I suppose I have desensitized myself to the images that I had convinced myself were so vile before.

Now I see me in the mirror, every day, as I apply lotion. I see my skin, my hair. I see my shape, I see my scars, my marks, my blemishes. I don’t love it all but I don’t hate it, either, and that’s the accomplishment. I don’t flinch or run away. I am more or less at peace and, yes, sometimes even happy with what I see, with parts that I used to hate.

The difference plays out in my life. I walk taller, shoulders back with my chin up. I spend more time beautifying myself. I laugh more. I am less self conscious in public, which makes me less uptight in general. I am more open because I am not trying to hide myself for fear that someone may realize that I am not an attractive person or, rather, that I don’t find myself attractive.

All this confidence only pushes me to do more because I can see it, in those mirror images, that I am almost where I want to be.