The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

The Future is Calling

Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future.
Denis Waitley

The future it unknown. To me, to you, to anyone. And this used to terrify me. I used to try to control things in the present because I feared the future would be something uncomfortable, something I didn’t want. Ironically, the future did turn out to be something I didn’t want. Only, the future was now my present and I was stuck in it, for better or worse.

So I did the only logical thing and I began learning how to appreciate what I did have: my friends, my family, my pets, my job. I taught myself to be grateful. I began to seek enjoyment from the little things, the things I may have overlooked before. And wouldn’t you know it, I became happy. Happier than I’ve ever been.

And there’s where I am now. So when I look at the future, I don’t fear that I don’t know what it will bring. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it will be more awesome than I could ever imagine. And even if there are bumps in the road, and I am sure there will be, if I can manage to be happy now then I’m pretty sure that I can make myself be happy at any times.

So if you want to know what I am looking forward in the future? I say all of it.

Because no matter what happens. Whether or not I see my friends and family soon, whether I get to plan a Halloween party, whether I wind up moving across the country, whether college happens sooner rather than later, I will be happy regardless. Because my happiness depends not on any person or any event but on me.

Defending Justin Bieber

I know, where did this come from, right?

Just hear me out.

Justin Bieber, if you did not know, is a teenaged pop star whose high-pitched vocals frequently grace the air waves against electronic and R&B backgrounds. He’s a huge hit with the tweens right now and it’s kind of hard to avoid him if you’re not a fan. The obsession means his picture is just as prevalent as his music and he has an interesting look. His long, side combed bangs and fashion sense owe more than a nod to some subculture that I never understand.

With that said, I don’t get why everyone hates him.

His voice is decent. Not amazing but pretty enough to listen to. Easy enough for me to sing along to, for the most part, which is a bit amusing in itself. The music is listenable and danceable. If you take it at face value, it’s marketable. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now, the fact that he only sings about love? It’s annoying. I get it. It’s why I don’t own any Taylor Swift CDs and, I must admit, even Taylor is a better lyricist than this guy and their ages are similar. But I don’t expect all musicians to be wonderful wordsmiths. In fact, many of the artists I listen to had some pretty awful lyrics, at one time or another.

Sometimes the R&B (cultural) influence are over the top. I hate the word “shawty” but, then again, if JayZ wanted to hook me up in the music business, I’d probably just go along with it, too, even if it meant I might be a little mass produced and less than original.

Ultimately, it’s more power to him. Sure, he may have had a helping hand in breaking out but that’s how the Internet has changed the music industry. I doubt he’ll be around forever but I can’t hate on a kid who is just enjoying himself and soaking up the glory.

And I think that’s exactly why people hate him. He’s not the best looking or most talented or smartest musician out there but he’s still rocking it and having fun in the mean time and people are just jealous. Age old story.

But c’mon people! Are you really going to be jealous of Justin Bieber?

Consciousness

Ashe and I just got off the phone. During our conversation we discussed how difficult it is to deal with someone who has disappointed us without intending to. I suggested that sometimes we feel like we’d prefer the person was simply being an asshole because we know how to deal with that. We become angry or hurt. We pee in the vents of their car and we feel better.

Yet, no one ever wrote a manual about how to deal with the accidental douche. It’s harder to accept poor behaviour when the intentions aren’t just as poor. It’s more complicated. We want to be angry but don’t know how angry to be or how to express it. We want to be understanding but we’re still hurt.

Because even with the best intentions, a person has to make a conscious decision to be decent, to prioritize the people and things that really matter and to do the things for their significant others that show that they love them. That conscious decision is what makes it okay when we do make mistakes. Others can forgive us.

And the conscious decision to take control of our own happiness is the only thing we can really do to be happy and healthy even when others make mistakes or purposely hurt us–because that is bound to happen. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to prevent others from hurting us or explaining to them their own faults that we forgot the only thing we have power over is ourselves. The only thing constant in my own life is me.

That realization has changed my life. Perhaps saved it. And it hurts to see others who have yet to come to the same conclusion. So many people have failed to make the conscious decisions that will make life work living. Yet, I know that I can only try to steer them in the right direction. The rest is on them. I have to make a conscious decision to lead my example. And try to impart a little happiness in the process.

Come out, Come out

I’m the first one signed up to participate in WeBlogIt–the blogging project going on over at DayDreamz. Because I also run the project, I picked which theme would occur this week and so I will be writing all about things I hide from the world. I mused over this all this morning. I asked Dez what she thought I hid. I made some foods. I wrote some articles. I got some ideas.

The things I hide from the world are all things that I perceive as faults. Sometimes I can get pretty wrapped up in what others think of me, or what I fear others might think of me, even. So I hide things and this results in even the little things causing me stress.

For example, I hide the fact that I buy Mt Dew a lot. Everyone knows I love it but I also know it’s bad for me so I try not to let on how often I buy it. The truth is, I personally don’t care if it is bad for me (my bad) but I worry about what others might think if they knew how much I bought it. It’s okay, though. After I post this, I’m walking to the gas station to get a Dew. d=

I also hide my weight. Online, I don’t post full pictures but this habit comes out in real life, too. When I sit someplace, I frequently reach for a pillow to cover my midsection. I refuse photos a lot because of this. Or I’ll take a million and delete all but a handful that show the best side of me. During sex, I’ll pull the cover over me to hide my body and resist certain positions because I worry how I’ll look. I’m feeling more confident now that I’ve lost some weight but I’ve never entirely been comfortable in my own skin.

When people ask, I glaze over the fact that I have no driver’s license. Part of me isn’t bothered by it but part of me hates the fact that I’m so far “behind” that I don’t even want to talk about it because that means admitting my fault.

And I hide some of my negative feelings not just from others but from myself. I’ve written about it a few times but I have a hard time feeling things when I think, intellectually, that feeling that way isn’t helping me. Even if it’s completely expected for me to feeling negatively about a situation. I have a hard time accepting that. For a long time, I didn’t even think I could talk to my friends when something was bothering me. I’d like to think I’m better about that. After all, isn’t that why friends are even there? In many ways now, I’m pretty open.

I hide my roots from people. I come form a hard working but poor family and while I respect that, I also feel a sort of shame. I sometimes have a hard time introducing people to my family or bringing them into my family’s homes because I am afraid they will judge my family and, by association, me. This manifested itself a lot in my marriage. Although I secretly wished Ryan knew more of my family and got along with them and even though I know a lot of my family members are fun, I sort of avoided introducing him to people. In the end, I wound up hurting myself to avoid being hurt which is kind of par for the course when you do silly things like that.

Because sometimes talking about is all you can do

I am no super activist. I don’t picket. Or burn my bras. I’m not even good at boycotting stuff. But I talk and, perhaps more importantly, I listen. This is how I’ve come to learn a lot more about issues like feminism and women’s rights in the recent months. And the more I learn, the more I agree. And the more I learn and agree, the more I talk. And not everyone wants to hear about movements. A lot of people are okay with the status quo. A lot of people don’t want to put their necks on the chopping block. People don’t want to lead the fight.

That’s okay. You don’t have to. You can just talk about it. After all, I am only one person. I can only do so much but instead of that convincing me that I shouldn’t try at all, I’ll just open an avenue of communication and help spread the word as much as I can. Isn’t that what change is, anyway? Isn’t knowing half the battle? Even if I’m imparting knowledge to people who may not necessarily care. They may still take something away fro the conversation. And movements need people at every level.

If enough individuals open up those lines of communication and spread knowledge and awareness, change will come. Uniformity will happen. Bonds will form. It may not be easy. Or quick. And sometimes it may not be legal. Yet, I have never shied away from doing something because I was afraid it would be too hard (okay, except for calculus. Sorry Roch!) and I don’t intend to start now.

If all I can do is talk about the things that matter, then I plan to do it.

Breaking Out Of My Comfort Zone

Last night (well, technically the night before by now), Ryan and I went to a WNBA (that’s women’s basketball for you!) game. It’s really not something we would have done had the opportunity not arisen (I got the tickets for free from a review network!) but I am glad we did. I have had a history of not trying new things because I get so nervous over being in unknown situations and not having control. I have been working through that, however, and try to remind myself that while the initial moments may be uncomfortable, that usually fades pretty quickly.

For instance, I didn’t know the layout of the venue but Ryan did and I was over my initial unease in 5 minutes (if it even took that long!). I thought about skipping out on the autograph session for that same reason but wound up going, anyway, and now my sister will have her very own Silver Stars t-shirt with an autograph! In the end, the perceived discomfort was far greater than the actual discomfort but I could have let that perception prevent me from doing something new. In hindsight, that’s a bad habit to develop.

Fear of “No”

Most people are so afraid ore rejection. They are afraid to ask because they don’t want to hear the word “No.” As if those two letters, side by side, are the end of the world. They’re not really. Few things can be answered by “No” that promise to be horrendous. Perhaps “Doctor, will I live to see Christmas?” but most people really won’t be any worse off if they receive a negative response.

And let’s not forget that even if something is a “no” now, doesn’t mean it always will be. People can change their minds. Circumstances change. “No” can become “yes” before you realize it.

And, while it’s not the focus of my thoughts at the moment, sometimes “No” can be what we need even when we don’t realize it.

But the thing is, if you don’t ask, you won’t eve get a “Yes.” If you want someone to do something with or for you, they probably won’t unless you give them the idea in the first place. If you don’t put yourself out there and take that risk, the risk that is almost always much smaller than we convince ourselves, you won’t ever reap the benefits. You will be causing the very thing you fear.

I used to do that a lot.I would want to do things and not tell Ryan and the day would pass and we wouldn’t do things and I’d be all pissed off at the universe for not letting me do something or at Ryan for not being a mind reader when, really, all I had to do was ask. Wow! What a run-on sentence. Ryan might say “No” or he may say “Yes.” He may say “Maybe later” and we’d find a happy medium if he really isn’t interested in what I want.

The thing is, I cannot possibly know until I ask and to become frustrated over something that I caused myself, something that I may be partially inventing in my head? Does no one any good.

Sometimes I will take a risk. Sometimes I will be shut down. Then I’ll try again. It’s the only way to really get a “Yes,” though.