Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jul 20

Living the Life

The other day I had a terrible dream. It was one of those emotional dreams where you wake up and you still have the feelings you had in your dreams.. even those it was just a dream. Even though you’re awake now, and none of that actually happens. But your mind has gone ahead and processed everything and all the hormones and chemicals have brought you to that place anyway.

In the middle of that terrible dream, I looked at someone and said “I wish I was at home in my PJs with my cat.”

And I woke up, in my PJs next to Phantom.

In my time of duress in my dream, the only thing I wanted was to get back to my regular life. I didn’t want anything more than that. I woke up to that place, comforting and full of love. Emotionally stable. Free to do as I please.

Since that night, I have been ridiculously grateful of my life. Of the people and things in it.

All things considered, I am in a good place. A place where I am happy to remain; although, I am open to better things, they would have to be significantly better to motivate me to stray

As emotionally tumultuous that dream may have been, it was certainly something I needed.


Jul 14

On Forced Relaxation

I am in a particularly good mood today. Perhaps it’s this crazy weather, but it also has to do with the fact that I just came home from the dentist.  I was in a good mood the last time I came home from a checkup.

for the most part, my appointments have gone quicker and easier than expected, but there’s something else that I like about the dentist. As I sit there in the chair with nothing to do, I just focus on my breathing and relaxation. This sort of forced relaxed is why I like some roller coasters/carnival rides. There’s nothing I can do in the situation. You sit still until it’s over, so you might as well relax.

In some ways, I’ve spent the last week doing the same. I guess I’m the kind of person who comes down with a terrible cold in the middle of July. My head wasn’t in the game, so I definitely took it easy when it came to work. I did what I could,  but I wasn’t writing as much as usual.

To be honest? I needed that. I spent a lot of time sleeping to feel better (I’m still not back at 100%). I stayed home and watched a ton of Stargate: SG-1. And I didn’t feel amazing, but I certainly felt less anxious.

That’s why I’m writing this. Because I have nothing else to do ( Okay, I should be writing a few reviews). I don’t have to be writing this. So I feel more inspiration to write a blog post, even if I’m only telling you that I’m a freak who likes the dentist and being sick. LOL


Jun 15

I Feel Weird

I suppose that Father’s Day is for me like Valentine’s Day is for many singles. I don’t have a father so I don’t understand the hype. I don’t know how to feel, so I impatiently wait for it to pass so I can get on with my life and ignore all the posts on Facebook.

Of course, more people have a father than a significant other — or so I’d guess — and I don’t think it occurs to them that their celebrations might exclude someone. And don’t for one minute think that I don’t want people to be happy. If you have a good father or even if you have a decent-at-best father and even if your father is mediocre but has sometimes done the right thing by you, then you’ve got more than I do. And you should celebrate it. Otherwise, you’re just an ungrateful asshole.

But I have none of the above. Part of me wishes I were angry about it, but I’ve had more than a quarter of a century to come to terms, and I’ve never known anything. Instead, I just sort of feel nothing where other people feel something, even if it’s anger at the fathers they got for being shitty. It’s strange to deal with holidays where you’re supposed to have all the feels and just.. not have any.

So I shall leave with thoughts, instead. Happy Father’s Day if you are one. Mine doesn’t know about me, but there are many fathers who cannot be with their children. The fact that you can be is not  guaranteed.

If you have a father to celebrate, do so. Having a father is not default in this world, and you are almost certainly going to see him die. So don’t waste time while you’re both here.


May 12

Have you ever seen the rain?

As I sit here typing this, it’s storming outside. I feel and hear the thunder. I see the lightning through the cracks of my curtains. It reminds me of a different time in my life.

Rain has always been a welcome soundtrack. It lulls me to sleep when I am tired. The pitterpatter mirrors my heart when I am excited. The moisture washes away the dirt on the world just as it does the dirt on my skin and the mess from my mind. Rain is cathartic, it truly is.

And rain is sexy. It makes me want peel away my clothing, open the blinds and turn off the light so that only the lightning illuminates bodies and expressions in the middle of the night.

It is spring, and with spring comes rain, a rain that I, for one, am glad to see.


Mar 26

On “Conscious Uncoupling”

So the media is all abuzz with stories about Gwyneth Paltrow and whats-his-face are splitting after ten years of marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t give two flying fucks about the couple. She’s an airhead with no sense of reality and he makes horrible music. Okay, I don’t know her, but I’m sure this is the case.

I am sad to see a family breaking up, and ten years seems long enough that they should work on it, but maybe her awkward usage of the term “conscious uncoupling” indicates that they have. I don’t know about you, but I don’t consider most breakups to be done in a conscious or thoughtful way. They all seem so sudden — to one person who has no idea that her marriage or his engagement had been wrong to the other person all along.

So the idea that a couple has some together to talk about things that aren’t working and to try to improve them seems like a smart one to me — even if it’s alien to many people. It’s certainly in the best interest of children, who don’t need to see their parents fighting while they try to stay together “for the family” or parents who are fighting through their divorce because they can’t find an agreement when it comes to who gets what.

I think that people need to put at least as much thought into breaking up as they do getting together, and perhaps if people put more thought into coupling, they would be less likely to uncouple.

Everyone is thinking about the awkward wording and focusing on the issue through a macro filter. However, I think the more important issue is how we look at relationships when we think the idea of someone consciously breaking up with someone and being able to remain friends. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes wonder what went wrong with a couple when they seem so willing and able to remain friends and people who care about one another. But maybe it’s better to cut your losses early so you can maintain those type of relationships for your own sanity, the benefit of your children and everyone around you.

And maybe through conscious actions and discussions, you might actually find that your relationship might be worth saving and that all you need to do is remain mindful during the every-day life. Living consciously really makes everything better, so why not “uncoupling,” too?