The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

I’m Not Crying

I’m just sniffling because I think I’m developing allergies and that is something to cry about.

It’s Okay

Things are okay now. They were quite trying for this past week or so. First, there’s that monthly visit that I never know when to expect thanks to my IUD. Then, my computer began acting up at an alarming rate and my attempts to fix it (updating the BIOS, first, then reinstalling Windows) either were no help at all, proved more difficult than intended or actually made things worse. Computer problems really make me worry because a) I spent so much on it and b) I need my computer in order to make money so that I can pay rent and feed the cats and, you know, live. Although my computer is currently performing at a less than ideal state, it’s workable so there’s that. I’ll be enlisting the help of one of my geeky friends to completely reformat and re-do the partitions on Thursday so, hopefully, that’ll cover everything.

Then there’s taxes.. which I really put off because I was afraid of how much I was going to have to pay. Such is the life of a freelance writer. Self employment kind of sucks in that way. So I stressed over making the appointment, which they then had to change, so I stressed for a few more days. Luckily, it’s all over with (except for the envelope that I have to mail to the state) and the total was less than anticipated. But, wow! The fees I paid to H&R block were just ridiculous. Sure, they’ll file your federal return for free but I paid over $235 because of my self employment. Eesh. =/ It definitely helped me to pay less for taxes so it’s worth it but it’s an outstanding amount nonetheless.

Besides those really big things that have had me on edge, I’ve had some unexpected issues arise. Last night I went to grab my earbuds to listen to my music and–lo and behold!–I grabbed pieces of them. Literally. One of the cats chewed them them completely in multiple spots. Now, if you’ve been following my review blog, you’ll see I’ve purchased quite a few sets already this year due to cats as well as shorting out. Today, I had the opportunity to purchase my seventh pair in three months.

To add to my frustration, the chain to my favorite necklace is missing. It as last on the bathroom counter and I suspect that some furry one knocked it down the drain. This isn’t an end of the world situation but I find myself frequently having to replace necklace chains. It’s hard for me to find one that I like because the ones I like are just the basic chains that come with pendants. They’re not really meant to be sold. The chain from this necklace, specifically, was an antique and a bit heavier than you tend to find these days as well.

And so, I’ve spent the last few days being grumpy physically uncomfortable, anxiety-ridden and probably not much fun to be around. I really wanted to blog about it but I guess I didn’t want to ruin my “winning” streak. You see, it’s become important to me that others see me as happy, that I see myself as happy and sometimes I feel like setbacks such as this past week mean I have completely and utterly failed and to speak of them would make that failure real and I would have to accept that I just can’t do this (“this” meaning being happy and well adjusted) and I should just resign myself to a life of misery. Spelled out like that, I know it’s pretty silly. I also know that resisting the fact that I’m feeling unhappy also makes me feel worse. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that I can feel like that, sometimes, and it doesn’t equate to unequivocal failure. But sometimes I need people to be able to read my mind to tell me that because, obviously, if talking about the negative is what’s bothering me, I can’t do that.

The good news is that, while some days every happy thing seems to come with a bad thing, the worst has blown over. I listened to some music. I feel better. I am confident everything will work out and less stressed about everything. Some of my issues are already resolved and I’m not in such a dire position that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope I reach it sooner rather than later.

On Valentine’s Day

It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single girl. I guess last year sort of counts but this year it counts completely. I remember, when I was a teenager, how it hurt to be single on this one day a year. It may have been difficult on other days but, on this day, it was the worst and it was almost unbearable to watch when it seems like everyone but me was in a happy and healthy relationship. All the candy and flower selling at school only added insult to injury as I failed to receive things from my friends. Not only was I single but I wasn’t winning the popularity contest, either.

This year is different, however. I may not have someone to be my valentine (or do I?) but I have hope and I have happiness, regardless of my relationship status. Therefore, when people complain about how stupid Valentine’s Day is, I cannot help but roll my eyes. It is commercialized? Absolutely. Is it ridiculous to think that everyone wants or needs or wants to buy a piece of jewelry or a box of chocolates? Of course. Is the very nature of this commercialism what makes this holiday classist? You bet. And these are all legitimate reasons to dislike this or any holiday..

It’s not like some good doesn’t come from Valentine’s Day. Like any special day, it helps those who are not extraordinarily romantic to express their emotions. It makes time for those who are otherwise busy and who doesn’t enjoy having something to look forward to?

..but the whole “I hate it and I’m going to pretend it’s not because I’m single” thing? Is getting old. I’d rather you cry and whine about being single than have to put up with that bullshit. Can we just call a spade a spade? Yea, an overly publicized day that focuses on romance and relationships sucks when you don’t have the above-mentioned but do you really have to rain on someone else’s parade because of that? Or worse yet, do you have to make the day even more difficult for other singles with your bitching and moaning?

And this is exactly why I am wishing you all a happy Valentine’s Day.. because I wouldn’t want anyone to be thinking “God, I wish she’s just shut the fuck up and quit bitching about February 14th” like I will surely do today.

Ill

I finally fell ill this last weekend. It was later than expected. I thought I might even be out of the water. I was wrong. Since then, I have developed some thoughts on this situation.

Things that suck about being sick:

• Smell medicine that tastes awful
• Blowing a hole straight through the tissues
• Coughing so hard you vomit
• Aching in parts you never knew you had
• Unsatisfying sneezes
• Tickles in yuor throat that you cannot get rid of, no matter what
• Snot bubbles
• Watery eyes

But do not fret, here’s a list of things that rock about being sick:

• The point when you realize that you haven’t blown your nose 100 times today
• Extra kitty lovings
• Not having to leave the house
• Or get dressed
• Puffs
• Satisfying sneezes (the ones that remind you what it’s like to be alive)
• Being able to make fun of the person who got you sick
• Getting better

Can’t Live With ‘Em

nor can you live without them. Depending on your sexual orientation, you may think I am talking about men and/or women. I could be but I’m actually talking about computers!

I caught a trojan the other day and I have been battling ever since. It was stupid that I got it in the first place because Avast did warn me but I didn’t respond in a very.. cautious way and got infected. Since then, I’ve run over a dozen programs (at least!). Things have gotten better but not perfect. At first, I had horrible, fake Windows alerts and a pseudo-antivirus program that wanted me to download crap. I managed to get rid of the pop ups and fake program but I kept getting Google results hijacked and my comp was lagging like hell.

Now, the lag seems to be minimal (it is eight years old, after all!) but my results are still, sometimes hijacked. It’s annoying but not completely debilitating. I’m still running daily scans. The frustrating thing is, many programs have caught something but it’s obvious this thing has opened a back door and keeps letting more in anyway.

Like last time, Dez has been a great help coming up with suggestions but I’m pretty close to just buying some protection software.

Restless Nights

There is nothing I like more than falling asleep easily or waking up feeling restful. However, this rarely happens. The other day, I was so tired I fell asleep watching TV and I woke up a bit later, thinking “Wow, I never fall asleep without realizing it anymore.” And it’s true.

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours lying in bed (and sometimes on the couch), trying to fall asleep. I took some melatonin, which did me no good. Mostly, I lie awake worrying about things that have happened, things that will happen. My mind keeps running even if my body is completely exhausted. It can be painful to keep my eyes open, yet my heart pounds and, in my brain, I’m thinking all sorts of things: ideas for blog posts and forum threads, layout designs, what I’ll eat the next day, how I’ll form an article for Demand Studios, whether I need to do any chores, what time I need to wake up to perform activity X. It just doesn’t stop.

I know I’m not alone and that makes me feel better but it doesn’t help, exactly. And neither do the cats who will paw at the walls, beat on the mirror, meow out the window, chase one another and claw at the carpet. I’ve been keeping a bottle of water on the night stand to spray at Goliath when he’s naughty (he’ll run at the sight of it, some mornings) but it’s so incredibly hard to fall asleep.

Or stay asleep. I’ll wake after a few fitful minutes of sleep and start back at square one. I’ll do this 5 or 6 times a night, some nights. It’s horrible. i’m sure the stress of my life makes it worse but, the truth is, I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I haven’t always realized it. Sometimes, we don’t realize that what we accept as “normal” is, in reality, unhealthy.

I know it now, but I’m still stumped. It seems like the effectiveness of my relaxation CD has worn off and I’ll have to look for a new solution.

It’s okay to have feelings.

Sometimes I forget. I’m sure you do too, though. I want to be adult, I want to be in control of my feelings but sometimes I go overboard in such a way that allows my feelings to run me over, anyway.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded “It’s okay to have feelings.” After all, it would be weird if I didn’t have negative feelings at this time in my life. I need to remember to expect feelings, to accept them, to experience them and let them go. But I get caught up in not wanting to feel certain ways. I wind up berating myself, thinking that I am stupid and I should be beyond this.

Have you ever tried to make yourself stop crying by telling yourself how stupid you’re being? Yea, it doesn’t work very well.

There are people in my life who help perpetuate those unproductive thoughts, though. There are some who think I shouldn’t have feelings. They cannot possibly understand why I would be upset now but the truth is that they are irrational. I am just human. Alive. I care about my marriage. To have feelings now really is the most logical thing I can do.

To repeat:

It’s okay to have feelings.