The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘people’ Category

This is the Internet

Lately, I’ve gotten the impression that a lot of people expect the internet to be a certain way. That assume it will be, well, nice. And honest. And welcoming. Understanding. Comfortable. I’ve got news for you: it’s not. It hasn’t been. It never will be.

It’s not that I don’t want it to be. I am compassionate enough that I want a place like that, at least some of the time. But the reality is that this is the internet and it offers a sense of anonymity which means many people throw morals, compassion or even just common sense out the window. Even if I put my name behind something, there’s no real ramifications for my behaviour (unless it’s illegal and, even then, internet crimes seem to be prosecuted far less than “real” ones). Who is Cole to you? And what can be done if I’m mean? Quite frankly, I like having a place where I sometimes can be mean.

But even if anonymity weren’t an issue, the internet is just not one place. It is many, many places with many different visitors and purposes and, perhaps most importantly, many different rules. In fact, I go many places online where they are no rules about bad behaviour. GASP! But even places with rules all have different rules and you have to seek them out, really. It’s pretty much a given that you can’t spend all your time in those places. I’m sorry. You will, almost certainly, wind up on some website where it’s okay to be a dick. Which means that either you can whine about it or suck it up because at the end of the day, people will be rude whether online or in your face and you can just turn off the damned computer anyway. No one is making you stay, participate in the drama or be a “victim.” You know how it goes: if you can’t take the heat, get the fuck off the internet.

But, like I said, even I enjoy having places with rules to visit. I like being able to go someplace and know what to expect (and that isn’t drama or harassment). Sometimes I don’t really want to deal with hostility and sometimes I want a place to rant or rave and to feel that people care. There is a time and place for that and I commend the people and groups who provide those safe havens in an otherwise unsafe internet world. It sometimes adds a level of comfort that cannot be found on anonymous, no holds barred websites. As much as you can say whatever the hell you want, it adds a safety net.

But it’s not impervious, either. Even if you make rules, they cannot be enforced unless someone breaks them. Sometimes? That’s already too late. The damage is done. Even if you try to stick to those safe places, shit will happen. People will break the rules because, honestly, how serious is banning as a consequence when there are a million other sites online? And how much shit can one person stir before a moderator has the chance to step in, especially if there is only one or two?

This is the internet. Sure, there are lots of LOLcats but there’s also many negatives about it because, at the end of the day, it’s made up of people and even good ones have bad days and make poor judgment calls. If that’s too much for handle you, I suspect your monthly internet fund would be better spent getting professional help.

How Far We’ve Come

When I consider my closest friends, most of them have been friends since high school (freshman year, with the exception of Wendy) and I still speak to most of my circle of friends from 6th grade, the first year of middle school. On the one hand, it’s great to know people so well, to still talk to them and to be able to reminisce. On the other hand, it seems like the bonds that held together friendships so many years ago were so much weaker than I now require. It’s difficult not to grow apart when we have all grown into separate people.

It’s not that my friends are bad people or even boring or anything sort of negative trait; we simply don’t have all that much in common and/or I just don’t feel the way about them I used to. Yet it’s so hard to say good bye when friendships seem to be so difficult to make at this point in life. I can count the number of friends I’ve made in the last 2 or 3 years on one hand (Dez and Lars being the foremost). I find myself biting my tongue and holding on to friendships, trying dearly to focus on the good times we do have together (no matter how limited) and memories made, ignoring the elephant in the room. Perhaps it is time to let go and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Going Against the Grain

It’s what I do. I shy away from what’s in, even if I would otherwise like it. Sometimes I wait until some of the frenzy has passed and make it clear I like things in spite of their popularity, not because of it. Other times, I just cannot let myself like something because everyone else does. Sometimes it’s silly. I shouldn’t limit things based on how others feel about them and I know this but it’s become such a habit that I find myself doing it without thinking. I am automatically turned off of things, without making a decision about it, because others like it. It makes me wonder what I might be missing.

Priorities

AKA: Help, I can’t afford the internet!

It annoys me every time I see someone complaining  online about how hard life is and financial struggles and not being able to pay rent/buy groceries/get diapers, especially when I know they’re paying for internet or I see them on for more than 50% of the day.  I know that some people are using the internet for free or that some people have jobs with a lot of time to surf the internet. There are exceptions, of course. I don’t deny this.

But I think that sacrificing the internet (or cable or MP3 player or cell phone etc) before you are evicted or your baby is starving is probably a better idea than keeping it just so you can bitch. And even if you’re not spending money on things that aren’t really necessary, and your internet is free or you go to the library, why spend all that time online when you could be looking for a job? If all else fails, spend your time online working, doing freelance writing or being a ChaCha rep or something.

I guess this just falls in the overall category of “shit that people bitch about even though they don’t use the power they have to change the situation.” Cut it the fuck out world.

Dear Douchebag

I realize, that despite the age difference that makes you nearly a decade my senior, you don’t have the maturity to be in a healthy relationship. You, on the other hand, do not seem to realize that. Perhaps that is why you decided to string a good friend of mine along for over a year and then break up with her, without even telling her. Yea, thanks a lot.

And perhaps it isn’t even my place to say anything (but, hey, it’s my blog asshole) but I’ve been listening to her issues about your relationship for damned near a year. In my book, that’s long enough to wait for you to pull your head out of your ass and work on your shortcomings. So what I don’t understand is how you even have the balls to break up with her when you’re the one who should be wallowing in self pity after a particularly eye-opening dumping.

Without further ado, here is a list of things you need to work on in order to be successful in a relationship. Otherwise, your future endeavors will soon find themselves following the footsteps of your ex-wife and my close friend and not because of lack of trying on their parts. Wake up or, yes, you won’t ever find someone.

Learn how to communicate (Listen up, moron).

Seriously. Learn how to listen to people and hear what they’re saying or have them clarify without throwing everything through your stupid “I’m a man” filter. Then, learn how to tell other people how you feel. I’m pretty sure “I’m breaking up with you” falls into this category.

Prioritize your time (Get a fucking PDA).

You don’t need to please everyone or help everyone or do everything. You need to figure out what’s most important and dedicate sufficient time to those things and people. Working to earn a living? Important. Spending time with your loved ones? Important. Fixing everyone else’s shit? Not so important. The sooner you learn, the better. Otherwise, you’ll just wind up hurting those you care about. Furthermore, your friends and family are sick of you being so damned undependable.

Get over yourself (Now!).

Why should others make time for or care about you when you won’t return the favour? Don’t expect people to sympathize over your situation when you don’t give a crap about theirs. The double standards suck.

Take responsibility (Grow the fuck up).

Relationships are a two way road and if they’re not working, changes are both people need to step it up. You need to make an effort to recognize problems and continue making an effort to minimize them for life of the relationship, if not the rest of your life. Relationships take work and before you can do said work, you have to take responsibility for your share.

These four steps may not be simple or easy but they will help you have a healthy relationship with people. Once you can see beyond yourself, you can see why others have issues with you. Taking responsibility for your roles in those issues and resolving them will be so much easier when you learn how to listen and speak effectively. Unfortunately, this is a lifelong process that never ends. If you’re not up for it, kill yourself.

At the very least, stop fucking my friends around with your shortsighted childishness.

Sincerely,
Cole

Protected: What More Can I Do?

In general, I want my friends to be happy. Don’t we all? So I don’t like people who do things to hurt them in any form and I feel extra frustrated when they do things that hurt themselves. What do you say to someone who won’t take the steps to extract herself from a miserable situation especially when it is an option? What do you say to someone who doesn’t know why they stay in that situation? What do you say to someone who refuses to realize that they have more control over a situation than they realize?

Now you might say “You can’t say anything, Cole. People have to learn their own lessons no matter how hard it is to watch them struggle.” And I know it’s true. And I try but when the person is always complaining about the situation, it becomes near impossible not to say anything.

It comes down to this: If you’re unhappy and you can do anything about it, then do it. And you usually can but if you’re too whatever to admit that, then don’t bitch about it every god damned day to me or anyone else for that matter. We don’t want/need/care to hear it. I know it’s easier to be the bystander and cast judgment. I know it’s easier to talk about just about anything than to do it. I also know that we put off things that are difficult to muster energy and we put our faith in things blindly. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. But the sooner you get out of a shitty situation and get over a miserable relationship, the sooner happiness can find you.

Oh, hi

Still here? Me, too. Just counting down the days until I can see my husband. I haven’t mentioned much because, in some ways, the coming of the end almost came upon me suddenly. Not that I want to put it off. I’m so over this deployment crap.

And the being alone crap but I had a bit of a reprieve when Jenn and I (and Matthew!) had lunch at TFI Fridays on Sunday. We also stopped at Petsmart, oohed and aahed over the kitties and I finally got something to keep the kitty food in. Phantom has yet to figure out how to chew through/open the container. ;)

Also, Phantom how has his own Twitter account. >_>