Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jan 05

Two Zero One Three

Welcome to 2014. There’s a new WordPress theme, so it must be a new year. That aside..

I thought I’d go over my 2013.

Over so soon?

Over so soon?

The year started on a high. Maybe because I’d sort of met someone. It didn’t work out but it gave me confidence to look for more possible romances. There were also several people interested in me over the year, and I returned the interest with someone. We spent some amazing time together, but it just seemed like it wasn’t the right place or right time. Truthfully, I’m hopeful that will change but realistic enough to realize that it probably won’t.

Because I felt invincible, I wanted to reconnect with some friends who I’d “broken up with” in 2012 or earlier. Honestly, I felt as though the frustration they had caused before was something that I could deal with better last year. This was true.. for a while. I am currently re-evaluating whether all those people need to be in my life. It’s difficult.

However, I wound up making several new friendships through that decision, so I do not regret it. Fate seemed to be on my side when it came to reconnecting because several other people came back into my life. All in all, I was a whole lot more social in 2013 than the previous years. This involved a lot of trivia nights, game nights, parties and drinking. It felt right for a 27 year-0ld. I guess I felt like I’d never quite gotten to be that person before.

Work has remained mostly the same. I don’t talk about this. It’s annoying.

My family dynamics have also remained the same but moving last year meant I was much closer to my mom and sister. So I’ve walked there many times this year. In fact, walking took on a lot more significance and I walked hundreds of miles this summer which led to some weight loss that’s probably all coming back since it’s cold and I’m cooped up inside. Oops.

In terms of material goods, 2013 was really good for me. I beefed up my wardrobe, especially for winter. I went through many shoes due to all the walking, but I have both an awesome pair of Chucks and boots that I recently bought. I bought both a PS3 and a Nintendo 3DS with a slew of games for them. I outfitted my living room with an area rug and an ottoman. Things have definitely come together. I enjoy the spending money.

In the process, I got a new hard drive for my laptop and installed it with a little help from Ben. I also finally rooted my phone even though I’m planning on getting a new one as soon as possible.

2013 was as geeky as ever. I went to two large conventions — Convergence in Minneapolis and Chicago Comic Con. It wasn’t my first time in Chicago, and I really enjoyed seeing some of the panels. I tried out Sci-Fi speed dating. It sucked. I purchased all the things, including some new art. I didn’t blog about either con, I guess. However, I posted lots of photo on Facebook. If you’re my friend, you can see the album for Chicago and the photos from CONvergence in my mobile uploads. CONvergence was really something else. It a fan run convention that’s outgrowing its current state but allowed me to get drunk with bronies. Really, it was such a different experience and some of the things I was able to do — attending the drinking for geeks panel, drinking, eating at some awesome restaurants in Minneapolis, Rocky Horror shadow casting, are like none other. It was too hot for me to costume, but I did make some Facebook friends. I don’t know if I’ll go next year but I will likely go again.

I dove into Reviews By Cole more than I have lately. I’ve reviewed more and joined many more group giveaways. I’ve been posting in more communities; although, not all are a good fit. I think I feel a greater sense of community. This has led to all the tutorials I’ve been posting lately. I’ve been much more active on Facebook. Give us a like, will ya?

Things have changed a bit on Her Realm, too. I moved hosts and am in the process of really cleaning things up. Things like the site section have been condensed to a single page, and the navigation has changed up a bit. On the whole, I feel good about losing some of the excess.

Personally, I’ve found a lot more release by writing on Lyrical Musings. Maybe you don’t even know what this is or have forgotten about it. I have a blog dedicated solely to writing — mostly poetry — in a cathartic way. As you’ll see, romance was on my mind in 2013.

I threw some big parties last year. There was a lot of stress. Memories, sure, but I think I need to keep things smaller than that in the future.

So what now? I definitely want to keep up my friendships and make things happen romantically but I have no arbitrary goals for 2014. In fact, I have no resolutions at all, really. I think this is because if I continue doing what I did last year, I am okay with that. Perhaps this is a sign of a year well done.

Oct 17

Weight of the World

Don't make someone a priority if all you are is an option.

Well, the duck can’t be wrong..

I always see this meme  floating around, and while I agree with it in theory, I don’t think I embody the meaning of it. No one makes me a priority. Hell, I don’t even feel like an option to most people that I love. I feel as though none of my relationships are 50/50 or anything close, not familial, friendly or romantic/sexual. It feels as though I am always giving far more than half of my share. And while some days I’m grateful to be able to do that, to be there for people, today is just not one of those days.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a bad mood, the fact that I drank last night or this headache. I’ll certainly not be affected by it this much in just a few hours, that much I know. However, I don’t necessarily think that it’s because I’ll go back to thinking that my relationships are fair. I just know that it won’t bother me as much at a later date. Those aren’t the same things, and it’s kind of a bummer.

So, my relationships aren’t fair. They’re sort of one-sided, and there’s a reason for this. I am just a thoughtful person. It’s because of my anxiety. I analyze a lot of situations, and the things that some people never think of are the things that I can’t forget. This makes for one thoughtful person.. but one thoughtful person who doesn’t feel like she gets a lot back for all her efforts. I don’t want to sound entitled, but I guess I feel like if I can do these things for the people I love, can’t they think of me in return?

And I know that other people don’t think the same or view the same as I do. I also know that some people do think of me. Sometimes they do sweet things because they want to make me smile, but I don’t feel like anyone goes out of their way the way that I sometimes do. And they don’t do it in ways that helps relieve the stress, but perhaps they can’t. That’s not the roll of a friend. It doesn’t usually feel like I’m on a team, like anyone’s in my corner. Sometimes it feels so very lonely. That’s one of the few things I miss about being married.

If I do this with my friends, why wouldn’t I do it with my relationships? That’s the thing. If you tell me to cut someone off for being a douche, shouldn’t I do that with all my friends who make me feel exactly the same? Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I pick and choose the people who can walk all over me and those who can’t?

There is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I deserve better from everyone, but logic wins out because idealistic thoughts like that only lead to disappointment when you have to deal with the real world. The reason that I put so much effort into these things is because I don’t really trust the people I love to love me back as much. I don’t have faith that they’ll apologize if they’re wrong, and I can’t help but think of the long-term success of the relationship over my current state of being. I have to be the one to do the work because if I don’t, who will?

It’s just how the world works, and I’ve got to get used to carrying it.

Mar 14

Dating is Weird

There, I said it.

I mean, dating at 26 is weird because it’s the first time in my life I’ve actually done all the awkward do-I, does-he, do-we stuff in person. So there’s that.

And dating is weird when you’re divorced. I inevitably have to bring it up, to explain why and to detail my ex-husband’s role in my life (none). I feel pretty self conscious about that.

With Facebook? Dating is even weirder. I can’t quite say everything I want to say because even if the person I’m discussing isn’t on my friends list, someone who knows them is. Words spreads quickly in a small city like this.

Finally, dating is weird when you become romantically involved with people who have historically been your friend. I’d never expected to have to navigate that road. It’s just. Strange. It’s slow and awkward. It’s still fun and exciting, but you’ve got to be careful when becoming more-than-friends. In fact, I think this is trickier than dating someone who was previously a stranger. There’s just so much at risk.

So, you can guess what I’ve been doing from this post.

Sep 10

That Explains It

After having spent some time away from my family, I find myself viewing their interactions and behaviors a bit more objectively. This outsider’s view of the atmosphere into which I was born and raised brings new awareness and answers a lot of questions. Specifically, it seems to explain just where all this fucked up came from, a thought that is somewhat consoling when I struggle with my anxiety and other negative mental habits.

For example, it’s easy to see how quickly people in my family become agitated. My aunt exemplified this as her brother worked on her car. A rather fun day, but one that was full of back and forths, was feeling long to her and she was becoming unhappy. In return, my uncle sensed this and became agitated himself. I found myself trying to play peacekeeper, to keep the mood light and upbeat but even being in the situation made me (at least seem) a little more agitated than I had realized. That’s another commonality we share: we tend to give the impression that we are more upset than we are.. Or perhaps we just operate at a level that is higher than most and seems odd to outsiders but that we are completely blind to.

Of course, observing my family gives some insight that is easy to overlook–at least, I find myself doing so–but that is also consoling in the best possible ways. Most of the people in my family have struggled–with finances, with parenting, with relationships, with things breaking, with people using them, with communicating. Yet, they always seem able to bounce back and so many of my loved ones are good at counting their blessings and remaining upbeat in the long run., even when the hand they’ve been dealt is on that outsiders might pity. I come from a family of people that is, more or less, content with the simple things in life and strives to be good people. In fact, the people in my family have always been willing to help another another out, to help me, when they were able. I’d like to think that all families are this loving but they are not.

When I was younger I always wanted more and better than what my family had. There’s no doubt things were difficult, especially with money, and that we all have room to grow, especially in terms of handling our frustrations productively, but it seems like we do so many things to the best of out ability, if not simply right.

Spending time with my family explain things. It explains me.

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