The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Honey Do This

For the first time I can recall, I am writing Ryan a Honey-Do list. It feels silly and sweet at the same time. Have you ever written or received a Honey-Do list or do you communicate these things verbally? If you write lists or notes, do you personalize them?

If you only knew

If you only knew
I’m hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I’d sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I’ve lived and learned

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that wen’t wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you’re gone
I don’t regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Mostly..

Can you forgive me again
I don’t know what I said
But I didn’t mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You’re not shouting anymore
You’re silently broken

I’d give anything now
To kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret
I cry I don’t want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me

‘Cause you were made for me
Somehow I’ll make you see
How happy you make me

I can’t live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes
And I’m screaming inside that I’m sorry

And you forgive me again
You’re my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

I Do

A decade (or even shorter) ago, I didn’t put much faith in marriage. I couldn’t blame me. At that time, all of my family members who had ever been married had also been divorced, often several times each. I didn’t have anyone to look up to. I had no example that marriage can really work. And, as a teen, I was rebellious enough to not understand what a piece of paper meant. I’d been in love a few times by the time I decided you didn’t need to get married. It didn’t mean anything more than if you were seriously committed to dating. I certainly never saw myself marrying.

And then I met a boy. I fell in love with that boy and, for the first time in my life, experienced happiness the way princesses do in fairy tales. Despite the fact that my every experience screamed that true love doesn’t exist and it’s useless being romantic, I found myself becoming romantic and believing in true love. When that boy proposed, I said yes, like I knew I would. I had known for some time because the idea that I wanted to spend my life with that boy had snuck up on me and planted itself firmly. I had hope.

As I re-evaluate my marriage, and face the idea that I may not be married “until death do us part” (even though, those words were not in our vows), it’s hard to hold on to that hope. Divorce is, if not entirely a start over, at least dramatically life altering. My husband and I share a home, possessions and pets. We share insurance and cell phone plans. While all those things are material and I can ultimately rebuild, they only signify the fact that we share a life together. All the material things serve to represent the emotional things we have come to share: love, trust, confidences, strengths, weaknesses and deepest, darkest secrets. Not to mention the sheer amount of time we have dedicated to one another.

The fall seems so much further, now. Being married has changed my perception about marriage. It’s not just a piece of paper and divorce is not just breaking up. In fact, I’m not sure if I can think of anything more appalling at this moment than the idea of divorce. If the idea of divorce is appalling, the idea of no longer being married to my husband is heart stopping. Perhaps the reason marriage has transformed in my mind, is simple because I do love him so much that, while I may not always remember it, I cannot imagine not spending every day of the rest of my life married to him.

Perhaps if I had remembered that all along, we would not be where we are now and I could simply be celebrating marriage and love and commitment. Instead, I am contemplating my life without those things and nothing could be more difficult.

We Belong

Many times I’ve tried to tell you, many times I’ve cried alone
Always I’m surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone
Don’t wanna leave you really, I’ve invested too much time
To give you up that easy, to the doubts that complicate your mind
We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder

(chorus)
We belong to the sound of the words we’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Maybe it’s a sign of weakness, when I don’t know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn’t know what to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit, do we distort the facts
Now there’s no looking forward, now there’s no turning back, when you say

(chorus)
We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Close your eyes and try to sleep now, close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean
We can’t begin to know it, how much we really care
I hear your voice inside me, I see your face everywhere, still you say

(chorus)
We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Protected: Perspective

The truth is, I have a lot to say but haven’t said all of it in one place. I need to but I don’t like writing passworded posts and my blog is too easily accessible by the whole damned world for something of a sensitive nature like this. Not that I mind, most of the time. After all, this site exists for people to see it.

More than a week ago, I was planning for Christmas. Shopping. Decorating. Everything seemed normal.

A week ago, an explosive fight consumed us, fueled by the tensions brought on by the holidays and the required visit with his family. It raged on and we both said and did things that were hurtful, completely unproductive. He said he wanted a divorce and left for his mother’s. I seethed over his apparent lack of care and respect and raged internally because how-dare-he does that to me on Christmas. Christmas! And when I was being the bigger person, the better person in our fight. I waited for his return, like always.

He returned later, to pick up clothes and such. He was going to stay with his parents. He needed a break “for a few days.” I was still angry. How could he still be going on with this? Our argument wasn’t that big. He still wasn’t listening.

A couple days later, he returned to talk. He broke the silence by telling me he wanted to reenlist (which he has) and he wanted a divorce. And for the first time in many years, I listened because, as soon as I saw how upset he was, it didn’t matter that I was angry. It didn’t matter that I had felt self righteous. It didn’t matter that he “ruined” my Christmas. It didn’t matter what started the argument.

What mattered is that I was seeing the person I care about most utterly upset. Entirely confused. Completely hurt. And I was the reason. And as much as he wanted to push me away, I wanted to pull him to me so that I could make it better. But he wouldn’t let me and then I knew. This was different and I needed to validate his feelings. I needed to let him have his space and if there was any way of this working out, I needed to figure it out and fast.

He left, in pain. I stayed, heartbroken for sure. Ashamed. Determined. I guess this is where it first seeped in: perspective. He wasn’t coming home. Things wouldn’t just work themselves out. To be honest, had they ever before? Not really. There’s a reason I expect our fight to be like every other one. And there was a reason it wasn’t working for us.

He told me there wasn’t anything to do to change his mind. I disagreed and I set down for some soul searching and more than my fair share of sobbing, too. I reached out to my friends, to my best friend and the support I had was amazing. Amazing. And when Ashley and her husband offered to let me live with them after they move, I was floored. I cried because this second dose of perspective was unexpected. Here I had been taking my friends for granted this whole time and they were still willing to lend me such an enormous hand. What’s more, I realized the same could be said for Ryan. I had been taking him for granted for years, yet he stayed. He put up with it. He loved me anyway and he did for me much more than I had deserved. It was no wonder he had left.

+1 perspective

And I pondered more on the idea, unable to sleep and sick and as I lay in bed I had a thought I never knew was even lurking in the back of my mind. I thought “What if I never have his children?” Cue more bawling. All of a sudden, I realized that maybe it wasn’t children I didn’t want. Maybe I just didn’t want to be anything other than selfish. And maybe I was only clinging to selfishness because I was afraid if no one else looked after me, if no one else placed value on me, that I would be worthless and forgotten. But the truth of the matter is, I have somebody to care about and value me and he has been doing this. I just didn’t see it.

+1 perspective

And then I thought that maybe it’s okay to not be selfish. Maybe I won’t lose any part of myself and the more I thought about it, the more I knew it would be okay. The more I didn’t want to be selfish. The more I wanted to take responsibility and I decided I would. Not a New Year’s resolution but an immediate change. The more I realized, I had thought I knew everything but I didn’t even see how I was so afraid, that I wasn’t even allowing myself to think what I truly think. I knew there were so many more ways to look at things, to think about things, to feel things and I had only been letting myself experience things negatively. Perhaps, because it’s all I’ve known for so long.

+3098403280 perspective

And so I became excited because I knew that the bad habits that had been making me miserable, making Ryan miserable and threatening my marriage didn’t have to be forever. I didn’t have to take anyone or anything for granted. I didn’t have to be lazy, negative or uptight. I didn’t need to control everything. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I was so excited about having a goal and taking responsibility I bolted out of bed and began planning the brand new Cole with Dez. I wrote an apology thread on Lavish for being a bitch, I changed my username to better suit the person I wanted to be. I just wanted to be Cole. Nothing more, nothing less. And, for once, I was happy with that.

I was so energetic and excited about my new prospects. Everything looked better, even though it was just my perspective that had changed. Really, everything was still pretty shitty. I wanted to tell Ryan and I did.. but I don’t know if I really expressed myself as well as I wanted to. It was easy to think it. It was easy to type it to Dez. It was awkward and uncomfortable to say it to Ryan. I wanted to come off as genuine and not insane. I knew that there was nothing I could say to convince him to work on us. I knew, as I know now, it’s about what I do and I know that’s why things haven’t really improved.

He believed me. It gave him pause. I can’t ask for much more than that. We’re on speaking terms. We haven’t screamed for a week. I haven’t said anything reactionary. We haven’t said anything just to be hurtful or spiteful. It’s still unsure.I’m not stupid; I know there’s a long way to go and he’d much rather get divorced. It’s certainly easier. I’m not sure I blame him. He’s not ready to come back; although, I want him to. I understand his reservations and have some myself. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to hurt him again.

It’s awkward for me being here, alone but I’m trying to make the best of it. My excitement has waned some since that first day, when I realized there’s something more out there. When I have what one could call an epiphany. I find myself having this inner dialogue sometimes, when I realize I’ve slipped into a negative train of thought, when I know that what’s on my mind doesn’t help. And it’s a bit appalling to realize that, to know what my normal used to be. I was okay with that, not because I was happy, but because I was comfortable being negative. I’m not quite as energetic because I’ve realized this will take a lot of effort but I am still determined.

When I’m not analyzing what I’m doing now, I’m thinking about what I have been doing for the past years that we have been together. Questioning most of it, wondering if it helped my relationship. And I’m seeing a lot of things that were counter-productive and detrimental that I never realized. Every day, the list of mistakes grows a little longer. I was too busy thinking about myself to see that thinking about myself was part of the problem. I guess that’s the thing with perspective. When you get a dose of it, you suddenly realize how little you had. I don’t know if I lost it. It’s more likely that I never had as much as I thought I did. Without it, I couldn’t see what was truly going on. I see so much more than I did and, what I did see, I see differently.

I was too busy being complacent to see that I needed to be proactive. Now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I know that whether I get divorced or not, I’ll be okay and when nagging thoughts sneak up, I do my best to banish them away, chanting mentally. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Because while changing is something that will help my marriage, if given the chance, it is also something that will help me. I know it will.

It makes me feel more energetic about life. It makes me want to do more, see more. It makes me angry how I haven’t been giving things, people, even places a chance, how I’ve been content to stay inside and do nothing at all. Maybe I could have liked San Antonio. Maybe I’ll still have a chance. I don’t know. It makes me realize how I’ve been so wound up, trying to control everything and expending so much energy on the things that made me unhappy. I can’t control everything and sometimes that just may be the point. Everything won’t be perfect but it’s no reason to overlook the things that are good. Perhaps that’s the exact reason to be grateful for the things we do have.

I feel so cliche but “they” are right, you know. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And sometimes you don’t know what you have until it springs up, slaps you in the face and says “I’m here!” Either way, I’ve gained a lot of perspective about everything in the past week. Perhaps it seems like too much, so much that it’s not genuine but.. that’s not the case. I’ve gained enough perspective to know I have a lot of people who care about me and who have done their best to show it, even if I was ungrateful. I have enough perspective to know there is no one or nothing to blame but me for being in the position I was in, for being miserable (and not even realizing it) and for overlooking the possibilities and opportunities life gave me. I’ve gained enough perspective to know that I can do something about it. I just hope I’ve gained enough perspective to save my marriage.

Dear Douchebag

I realize, that despite the age difference that makes you nearly a decade my senior, you don’t have the maturity to be in a healthy relationship. You, on the other hand, do not seem to realize that. Perhaps that is why you decided to string a good friend of mine along for over a year and then break up with her, without even telling her. Yea, thanks a lot.

And perhaps it isn’t even my place to say anything (but, hey, it’s my blog asshole) but I’ve been listening to her issues about your relationship for damned near a year. In my book, that’s long enough to wait for you to pull your head out of your ass and work on your shortcomings. So what I don’t understand is how you even have the balls to break up with her when you’re the one who should be wallowing in self pity after a particularly eye-opening dumping.

Without further ado, here is a list of things you need to work on in order to be successful in a relationship. Otherwise, your future endeavors will soon find themselves following the footsteps of your ex-wife and my close friend and not because of lack of trying on their parts. Wake up or, yes, you won’t ever find someone.

Learn how to communicate (Listen up, moron).

Seriously. Learn how to listen to people and hear what they’re saying or have them clarify without throwing everything through your stupid “I’m a man” filter. Then, learn how to tell other people how you feel. I’m pretty sure “I’m breaking up with you” falls into this category.

Prioritize your time (Get a fucking PDA).

You don’t need to please everyone or help everyone or do everything. You need to figure out what’s most important and dedicate sufficient time to those things and people. Working to earn a living? Important. Spending time with your loved ones? Important. Fixing everyone else’s shit? Not so important. The sooner you learn, the better. Otherwise, you’ll just wind up hurting those you care about. Furthermore, your friends and family are sick of you being so damned undependable.

Get over yourself (Now!).

Why should others make time for or care about you when you won’t return the favour? Don’t expect people to sympathize over your situation when you don’t give a crap about theirs. The double standards suck.

Take responsibility (Grow the fuck up).

Relationships are a two way road and if they’re not working, changes are both people need to step it up. You need to make an effort to recognize problems and continue making an effort to minimize them for life of the relationship, if not the rest of your life. Relationships take work and before you can do said work, you have to take responsibility for your share.

These four steps may not be simple or easy but they will help you have a healthy relationship with people. Once you can see beyond yourself, you can see why others have issues with you. Taking responsibility for your roles in those issues and resolving them will be so much easier when you learn how to listen and speak effectively. Unfortunately, this is a lifelong process that never ends. If you’re not up for it, kill yourself.

At the very least, stop fucking my friends around with your shortsighted childishness.

Sincerely,
Cole