The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Consciousness

Ashe and I just got off the phone. During our conversation we discussed how difficult it is to deal with someone who has disappointed us without intending to. I suggested that sometimes we feel like we’d prefer the person was simply being an asshole because we know how to deal with that. We become angry or hurt. We pee in the vents of their car and we feel better.

Yet, no one ever wrote a manual about how to deal with the accidental douche. It’s harder to accept poor behaviour when the intentions aren’t just as poor. It’s more complicated. We want to be angry but don’t know how angry to be or how to express it. We want to be understanding but we’re still hurt.

Because even with the best intentions, a person has to make a conscious decision to be decent, to prioritize the people and things that really matter and to do the things for their significant others that show that they love them. That conscious decision is what makes it okay when we do make mistakes. Others can forgive us.

And the conscious decision to take control of our own happiness is the only thing we can really do to be happy and healthy even when others make mistakes or purposely hurt us–because that is bound to happen. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to prevent others from hurting us or explaining to them their own faults that we forgot the only thing we have power over is ourselves. The only thing constant in my own life is me.

That realization has changed my life. Perhaps saved it. And it hurts to see others who have yet to come to the same conclusion. So many people have failed to make the conscious decisions that will make life work living. Yet, I know that I can only try to steer them in the right direction. The rest is on them. I have to make a conscious decision to lead my example. And try to impart a little happiness in the process.

Come out, Come out

I’m the first one signed up to participate in WeBlogIt–the blogging project going on over at DayDreamz. Because I also run the project, I picked which theme would occur this week and so I will be writing all about things I hide from the world. I mused over this all this morning. I asked Dez what she thought I hid. I made some foods. I wrote some articles. I got some ideas.

The things I hide from the world are all things that I perceive as faults. Sometimes I can get pretty wrapped up in what others think of me, or what I fear others might think of me, even. So I hide things and this results in even the little things causing me stress.

For example, I hide the fact that I buy Mt Dew a lot. Everyone knows I love it but I also know it’s bad for me so I try not to let on how often I buy it. The truth is, I personally don’t care if it is bad for me (my bad) but I worry about what others might think if they knew how much I bought it. It’s okay, though. After I post this, I’m walking to the gas station to get a Dew. d=

I also hide my weight. Online, I don’t post full pictures but this habit comes out in real life, too. When I sit someplace, I frequently reach for a pillow to cover my midsection. I refuse photos a lot because of this. Or I’ll take a million and delete all but a handful that show the best side of me. During sex, I’ll pull the cover over me to hide my body and resist certain positions because I worry how I’ll look. I’m feeling more confident now that I’ve lost some weight but I’ve never entirely been comfortable in my own skin.

When people ask, I glaze over the fact that I have no driver’s license. Part of me isn’t bothered by it but part of me hates the fact that I’m so far “behind” that I don’t even want to talk about it because that means admitting my fault.

And I hide some of my negative feelings not just from others but from myself. I’ve written about it a few times but I have a hard time feeling things when I think, intellectually, that feeling that way isn’t helping me. Even if it’s completely expected for me to feeling negatively about a situation. I have a hard time accepting that. For a long time, I didn’t even think I could talk to my friends when something was bothering me. I’d like to think I’m better about that. After all, isn’t that why friends are even there? In many ways now, I’m pretty open.

I hide my roots from people. I come form a hard working but poor family and while I respect that, I also feel a sort of shame. I sometimes have a hard time introducing people to my family or bringing them into my family’s homes because I am afraid they will judge my family and, by association, me. This manifested itself a lot in my marriage. Although I secretly wished Ryan knew more of my family and got along with them and even though I know a lot of my family members are fun, I sort of avoided introducing him to people. In the end, I wound up hurting myself to avoid being hurt which is kind of par for the course when you do silly things like that.

Relationships 101

Getting married did not automatically make me a less selfish person. Saying “I Do” did not mean I suddenly gained all the knowledge and learned all the skills I would need to positive contribute to my relationship. Sure, the desire to be happy and to make Ryan happy was there but desire alone does not magically produce results.

I’ve heard it said time and again that there is no manual for parenting, that you can never be truly prepared. I have yet to personally experience that but I believe the same holds true for many other things, including relationships.

We live in a society where there is no mandatory relationship education, no government sponsored textbooks on the subject. If our sex education is lacking, then education about being in an emotionally healthy relationship is a fairy tale.

We’re left to our own devices and while I have nothing against trial and error in some sectors of life, it becomes a whole lot trickier when feelings are involved.

This isn’t to say that resources haven’t sprung up to fill the need. They have. Therapists and talk show hosts, books, chat rooms and webinars all contain invaluable (well, sometimes worthless) information about how to be in a healthy relationship. But these are all resources you have to seek out yourself, often times on your own dime. Realizing you could use some help and then biting the bullet to ask for it are hard enough but, really, we live in a society where it’s all too easy not to realize we need a little help.

I mean, if you have no education about a healthy relationship to begin with, when do you realize it’s not? If no one has ever told you that it’s important to learn relationship sills or what those skills are, why would you seek out that information on your own? Perhaps this is why our society is strewn with broken hearts and divorce papers. Just a thought.

I don’t necessarily think we should be mandating peoples’ love lives. That’s a bit too involved even for my tastes. I just cannot help but wonder if we could be doing more to help people better themselves and their relationships. When “better” is just an option and an expensive one at that, it’s an option left unconsidered by the majority.

Protected: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

TY

I am trying to be more grateful and gracious. It is a trying process. I guess no one said change or growth were easy but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Still, it’s helpful to take time out to consider everything I do have to be grateful for. It would be easy for me to say “nothing” right now but that would also be short sighted.

First and foremost, I am grateful for my friends and family who love me no matter how flawed I am. And you better believe this model comes with her fair share of flaws.

I absolutely adore my kitties who have made the past year and a half a ball of fun and insanity. I love that Ryan loves them, too, because no one expected that from him.

I appreciated that my life has taken me across the country and across the world. I may never travel again but I still have some awesome destinations under my wing.

I am thankful for the head on my shoulders which may be a little perplexed right now but is otherwise pretty intelligent and has helped me get through a lot.

I love that you folks are reading and commenting on my blogs. Maybe this ought to be an ode to the internet in general but the fact that I can type up some shit here and someone across the country might care is awesome. Plus, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had because of my websites including products to review and making money.

I totally am thankful that others who have gone through hard times have written books about it. And so have the folks who know how to help a person through a rough patch. I’m reading all sorts of books which are helping me cope right now.

I am thankful that Ryan is a nice guy even when he doesn’t want to be.

I am thankful for warm sun and cool breezes. Long walks to no where. Good jokes (and sometimes even bad ones). Yummy food. A therapeutic shower. My ability to articulate.

I am grateful for having known love as powerful and sometimes devastating as it is. To know that it simply exists makes everything worthwhile.

I am grateful for silly, late night chats. Inside jokes. Fun and slushy drinks.

I love that music exists. If I have felt it, there is a song which describes it. If I feel like moving, there is a song which prompts me to do so. If I don’t know how to say it, someone else does.

I am also thankful for my youth. And, when the mirror is being nice, my good looks. ;)

It’s Okay

I am me and by “me” I mean that I am many things, some good and some bad. After all, I am only human and none of us are perfect. I am struggling right now with some heavy stuff. At the same time, I am learning to let the little things go (I am, in fact, reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…); it is not always easy however. The book advises us to accept ourselves for all we are, including the bad parts. The sooner we accept our negative feelings, the more efficiently we can work through them instead of denying that they exist which makes them into bigger issues.

Understandably, I am having many negative emotions right about now. I am angry and sad. I am hurt and regretful. I am scared. I feel disappointed and regretful. My heart is breaking. I feel lost. But that’s okay. That is all to be expected. It is entirely normal. It would be scary if I did not feel those things.

Despite how I feel, I know that I will be okay, eventually. No matter how things turn out. Life is not hopeless, even if I feel that way sometimes. It would be a shame to get divorced, that’s true, but I am resilient. If I didn’t learn to deal with what life throws at me, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

And, truth be told, I’m glad I didn’t because then I wouldn’t have spent the last 7 years with Ryan and I would regret that far more.

The Institution of Marriage

I must admit that when people talk about banning gay marriage to preserve the institution of marriage, I am entirely confused as to what the hell that means. It’s not like the one man-one woman ideal has exactly helped the institution. Society has come to a point where people view marriage as something as fleeting. Divorce is seen as an acceptable answer to every little problem. People quit instead of facing the facts: marriage is not for the faint of heart but with a little elbow grease, most problems are fixable.

And if you take a look at why people are getting married, you see that many times the intentions are not what can be considered good. They’re selfish or manipulative. People are marrying for money, legal status, because there is nothing better to do or for power. Sure, some people marry for love but society doesn’t seem to have a bone to pick with those reasons. I mean really, it’s like society has made a mockery of marriage anyway so wouldn’t letting people who want to marry because they love each others and their families actually help preserve this institution? Could just be me, though..

Speaking of families, procreation is often listed as a reason why gay marriage is a bad idea. As if gay people don’t want families? It’s not like they haven’t or won’t jump through hoops to have children and manage parental rights. No straight person would stand for that kind of legal red tape so why is it fair to ask that of gay people? And if procreation is so damned important, then shouldn’t we ban people from marrying who have no plans to or are not able to conceive children?

None of these arguments just make any sense when viewed from a logical perspective.