The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

That Explains It

After having spent some time away from my family, I find myself viewing their interactions and behaviors a bit more objectively. This outsider’s view of the atmosphere into which I was born and raised brings new awareness and answers a lot of questions. Specifically, it seems to explain just where all this fucked up came from, a thought that is somewhat consoling when I struggle with my anxiety and other negative mental habits.

For example, it’s easy to see how quickly people in my family become agitated. My aunt exemplified this as her brother worked on her car. A rather fun day, but one that was full of back and forths, was feeling long to her and she was becoming unhappy. In return, my uncle sensed this and became agitated himself. I found myself trying to play peacekeeper, to keep the mood light and upbeat but even being in the situation made me (at least seem) a little more agitated than I had realized. That’s another commonality we share: we tend to give the impression that we are more upset than we are.. Or perhaps we just operate at a level that is higher than most and seems odd to outsiders but that we are completely blind to.

Of course, observing my family gives some insight that is easy to overlook–at least, I find myself doing so–but that is also consoling in the best possible ways. Most of the people in my family have struggled–with finances, with parenting, with relationships, with things breaking, with people using them, with communicating. Yet, they always seem able to bounce back and so many of my loved ones are good at counting their blessings and remaining upbeat in the long run., even when the hand they’ve been dealt is on that outsiders might pity. I come from a family of people that is, more or less, content with the simple things in life and strives to be good people. In fact, the people in my family have always been willing to help another another out, to help me, when they were able. I’d like to think that all families are this loving but they are not.

When I was younger I always wanted more and better than what my family had. There’s no doubt things were difficult, especially with money, and that we all have room to grow, especially in terms of handling our frustrations productively, but it seems like we do so many things to the best of out ability, if not simply right.

Spending time with my family explain things. It explains me.

X Marks the Spot

You know when you’re falling in love and every song suddenly becomes a love song? You pick out a line or two or even just a few words, even if the song obviously isn’t a love song, and those words somehow come to represent your entire being because you cannot possibly concentrate on anything other than the feeling of falling?

Yea, that’s where I am.

On Valentine’s Day

It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single girl. I guess last year sort of counts but this year it counts completely. I remember, when I was a teenager, how it hurt to be single on this one day a year. It may have been difficult on other days but, on this day, it was the worst and it was almost unbearable to watch when it seems like everyone but me was in a happy and healthy relationship. All the candy and flower selling at school only added insult to injury as I failed to receive things from my friends. Not only was I single but I wasn’t winning the popularity contest, either.

This year is different, however. I may not have someone to be my valentine (or do I?) but I have hope and I have happiness, regardless of my relationship status. Therefore, when people complain about how stupid Valentine’s Day is, I cannot help but roll my eyes. It is commercialized? Absolutely. Is it ridiculous to think that everyone wants or needs or wants to buy a piece of jewelry or a box of chocolates? Of course. Is the very nature of this commercialism what makes this holiday classist? You bet. And these are all legitimate reasons to dislike this or any holiday..

It’s not like some good doesn’t come from Valentine’s Day. Like any special day, it helps those who are not extraordinarily romantic to express their emotions. It makes time for those who are otherwise busy and who doesn’t enjoy having something to look forward to?

..but the whole “I hate it and I’m going to pretend it’s not because I’m single” thing? Is getting old. I’d rather you cry and whine about being single than have to put up with that bullshit. Can we just call a spade a spade? Yea, an overly publicized day that focuses on romance and relationships sucks when you don’t have the above-mentioned but do you really have to rain on someone else’s parade because of that? Or worse yet, do you have to make the day even more difficult for other singles with your bitching and moaning?

And this is exactly why I am wishing you all a happy Valentine’s Day.. because I wouldn’t want anyone to be thinking “God, I wish she’s just shut the fuck up and quit bitching about February 14th” like I will surely do today.

I Am

I am a bleeding heart liberal, humanist with a tenuous faith in God and a big mouth.

I am the best friend that many of my friends have ever had and I am working to be even better.

I am a crazy cat lady who is mommy to two of the most beautiful albeit annoying felines that ever walked the Earth.

I am perpetually interested in anything and as such, have developed a well of facts that only useful as long as they are entertaining to my peers.

I am the owner of two wonderfully feminine breasts and this is central to my being.

I am ridiculously funny and I know it sounds pompous to come right out and say it, but it’s true,

I am experiencing a level of okayness with myself, my life and my body that is strange but entirely natural.

I am experiencing such a level of discontent with the world and its tragedies that I’ve no doubt I will one day do something to rectify the situation–as soon as I figure out what that is. In the mean time, I will continue to be the funny friend and send good vibes out into the world.

I am ever naive and optimistic when it comes to the following things: my natural abilities, the goodness of others, the fairness of the “system” and love.

I am going to have cheesecake with cherries for breakfast at 2:35 in the afternoon.

Consciousness

Ashe and I just got off the phone. During our conversation we discussed how difficult it is to deal with someone who has disappointed us without intending to. I suggested that sometimes we feel like we’d prefer the person was simply being an asshole because we know how to deal with that. We become angry or hurt. We pee in the vents of their car and we feel better.

Yet, no one ever wrote a manual about how to deal with the accidental douche. It’s harder to accept poor behaviour when the intentions aren’t just as poor. It’s more complicated. We want to be angry but don’t know how angry to be or how to express it. We want to be understanding but we’re still hurt.

Because even with the best intentions, a person has to make a conscious decision to be decent, to prioritize the people and things that really matter and to do the things for their significant others that show that they love them. That conscious decision is what makes it okay when we do make mistakes. Others can forgive us.

And the conscious decision to take control of our own happiness is the only thing we can really do to be happy and healthy even when others make mistakes or purposely hurt us–because that is bound to happen. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to prevent others from hurting us or explaining to them their own faults that we forgot the only thing we have power over is ourselves. The only thing constant in my own life is me.

That realization has changed my life. Perhaps saved it. And it hurts to see others who have yet to come to the same conclusion. So many people have failed to make the conscious decisions that will make life work living. Yet, I know that I can only try to steer them in the right direction. The rest is on them. I have to make a conscious decision to lead my example. And try to impart a little happiness in the process.

Come out, Come out

I’m the first one signed up to participate in WeBlogIt–the blogging project going on over at DayDreamz. Because I also run the project, I picked which theme would occur this week and so I will be writing all about things I hide from the world. I mused over this all this morning. I asked Dez what she thought I hid. I made some foods. I wrote some articles. I got some ideas.

The things I hide from the world are all things that I perceive as faults. Sometimes I can get pretty wrapped up in what others think of me, or what I fear others might think of me, even. So I hide things and this results in even the little things causing me stress.

For example, I hide the fact that I buy Mt Dew a lot. Everyone knows I love it but I also know it’s bad for me so I try not to let on how often I buy it. The truth is, I personally don’t care if it is bad for me (my bad) but I worry about what others might think if they knew how much I bought it. It’s okay, though. After I post this, I’m walking to the gas station to get a Dew. d=

I also hide my weight. Online, I don’t post full pictures but this habit comes out in real life, too. When I sit someplace, I frequently reach for a pillow to cover my midsection. I refuse photos a lot because of this. Or I’ll take a million and delete all but a handful that show the best side of me. During sex, I’ll pull the cover over me to hide my body and resist certain positions because I worry how I’ll look. I’m feeling more confident now that I’ve lost some weight but I’ve never entirely been comfortable in my own skin.

When people ask, I glaze over the fact that I have no driver’s license. Part of me isn’t bothered by it but part of me hates the fact that I’m so far “behind” that I don’t even want to talk about it because that means admitting my fault.

And I hide some of my negative feelings not just from others but from myself. I’ve written about it a few times but I have a hard time feeling things when I think, intellectually, that feeling that way isn’t helping me. Even if it’s completely expected for me to feeling negatively about a situation. I have a hard time accepting that. For a long time, I didn’t even think I could talk to my friends when something was bothering me. I’d like to think I’m better about that. After all, isn’t that why friends are even there? In many ways now, I’m pretty open.

I hide my roots from people. I come form a hard working but poor family and while I respect that, I also feel a sort of shame. I sometimes have a hard time introducing people to my family or bringing them into my family’s homes because I am afraid they will judge my family and, by association, me. This manifested itself a lot in my marriage. Although I secretly wished Ryan knew more of my family and got along with them and even though I know a lot of my family members are fun, I sort of avoided introducing him to people. In the end, I wound up hurting myself to avoid being hurt which is kind of par for the course when you do silly things like that.

Relationships 101

Getting married did not automatically make me a less selfish person. Saying “I Do” did not mean I suddenly gained all the knowledge and learned all the skills I would need to positive contribute to my relationship. Sure, the desire to be happy and to make Ryan happy was there but desire alone does not magically produce results.

I’ve heard it said time and again that there is no manual for parenting, that you can never be truly prepared. I have yet to personally experience that but I believe the same holds true for many other things, including relationships.

We live in a society where there is no mandatory relationship education, no government sponsored textbooks on the subject. If our sex education is lacking, then education about being in an emotionally healthy relationship is a fairy tale.

We’re left to our own devices and while I have nothing against trial and error in some sectors of life, it becomes a whole lot trickier when feelings are involved.

This isn’t to say that resources haven’t sprung up to fill the need. They have. Therapists and talk show hosts, books, chat rooms and webinars all contain invaluable (well, sometimes worthless) information about how to be in a healthy relationship. But these are all resources you have to seek out yourself, often times on your own dime. Realizing you could use some help and then biting the bullet to ask for it are hard enough but, really, we live in a society where it’s all too easy not to realize we need a little help.

I mean, if you have no education about a healthy relationship to begin with, when do you realize it’s not? If no one has ever told you that it’s important to learn relationship sills or what those skills are, why would you seek out that information on your own? Perhaps this is why our society is strewn with broken hearts and divorce papers. Just a thought.

I don’t necessarily think we should be mandating peoples’ love lives. That’s a bit too involved even for my tastes. I just cannot help but wonder if we could be doing more to help people better themselves and their relationships. When “better” is just an option and an expensive one at that, it’s an option left unconsidered by the majority.