Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Sep 19

How Have I Loved

I have loved people who didn’t love me or past the expiration date of their love because my love isn’t dependent upon someone loving me back.

I have loved difficult people, and I have loved at times when I wasn’t sure I was capable of love, because being difficult doesn’t mean those people don’t need love or that they don’t deserve it. And few things easy are worth it.

I have loved people because I could see positives in them when no one else could.

I have loved others even when I couldn’t love myself… and I have loved when (it felt like) no one loved me in return.

I have loved after hurt; I have loved while hurting those I loved.

I have loved until it hurt, often well past that point.

I have loved when every fiber in my being was afraid of doing so.

I have loved on faith alone.

I have loved when there was nothing else I could bring myself to do.

I have loved long distance because I don’t need to be near someone to know that I love them. In fact, I have loved with only words on a screen or a voice through a phone to know.

I have loved even when I didn’t want to because I was angry or frustrated. I have loved in spite of myself, and couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to.

I have loved poorly, but still I loved.

I have loved well and will continue to love better until I can love no more.

Mar 01

Love, literally.

Love is a constant. It is your first thoughts in the morning and your last through before falling asleep, where love will visit you in dreamland.

Love is sometimes relentless in its pursuit to dominate your every thought.

Love is in your fantasies and daydreams.

It is gentle sometimes, but it is also fervent, making it difficult for you to think.

Sometimes, you drown in love. Even when you are in the desert, looking for that love oasis, all you can think about is love.

It is not love if it isn’t experienced with passion that makes you feel alive — or on the verge of death.

Love courses, but it also trickles, shaping you as it moves. There is no one or nothing strong enough to resist love’s influence. No one is left untouched by love, least of all me.

Jan 05

Two Zero One Three

Welcome to 2014. There’s a new WordPress theme, so it must be a new year. That aside..

I thought I’d go over my 2013.

Over so soon?

Over so soon?

The year started on a high. Maybe because I’d sort of met someone. It didn’t work out but it gave me confidence to look for more possible romances. There were also several people interested in me over the year, and I returned the interest with someone. We spent some amazing time together, but it just seemed like it wasn’t the right place or right time. Truthfully, I’m hopeful that will change but realistic enough to realize that it probably won’t.

Because I felt invincible, I wanted to reconnect with some friends who I’d “broken up with” in 2012 or earlier. Honestly, I felt as though the frustration they had caused before was something that I could deal with better last year. This was true.. for a while. I am currently re-evaluating whether all those people need to be in my life. It’s difficult.

However, I wound up making several new friendships through that decision, so I do not regret it. Fate seemed to be on my side when it came to reconnecting because several other people came back into my life. All in all, I was a whole lot more social in 2013 than the previous years. This involved a lot of trivia nights, game nights, parties and drinking. It felt right for a 27 year-0ld. I guess I felt like I’d never quite gotten to be that person before.

Work has remained mostly the same. I don’t talk about this. It’s annoying.

My family dynamics have also remained the same but moving last year meant I was much closer to my mom and sister. So I’ve walked there many times this year. In fact, walking took on a lot more significance and I walked hundreds of miles this summer which led to some weight loss that’s probably all coming back since it’s cold and I’m cooped up inside. Oops.

In terms of material goods, 2013 was really good for me. I beefed up my wardrobe, especially for winter. I went through many shoes due to all the walking, but I have both an awesome pair of Chucks and boots that I recently bought. I bought both a PS3 and a Nintendo 3DS with a slew of games for them. I outfitted my living room with an area rug and an ottoman. Things have definitely come together. I enjoy the spending money.

In the process, I got a new hard drive for my laptop and installed it with a little help from Ben. I also finally rooted my phone even though I’m planning on getting a new one as soon as possible.

2013 was as geeky as ever. I went to two large conventions — Convergence in Minneapolis and Chicago Comic Con. It wasn’t my first time in Chicago, and I really enjoyed seeing some of the panels. I tried out Sci-Fi speed dating. It sucked. I purchased all the things, including some new art. I didn’t blog about either con, I guess. However, I posted lots of photo on Facebook. If you’re my friend, you can see the album for Chicago and the photos from CONvergence in my mobile uploads. CONvergence was really something else. It a fan run convention that’s outgrowing its current state but allowed me to get drunk with bronies. Really, it was such a different experience and some of the things I was able to do — attending the drinking for geeks panel, drinking, eating at some awesome restaurants in Minneapolis, Rocky Horror shadow casting, are like none other. It was too hot for me to costume, but I did make some Facebook friends. I don’t know if I’ll go next year but I will likely go again.

I dove into Reviews By Cole more than I have lately. I’ve reviewed more and joined many more group giveaways. I’ve been posting in more communities; although, not all are a good fit. I think I feel a greater sense of community. This has led to all the tutorials I’ve been posting lately. I’ve been much more active on Facebook. Give us a like, will ya?

Things have changed a bit on Her Realm, too. I moved hosts and am in the process of really cleaning things up. Things like the site section have been condensed to a single page, and the navigation has changed up a bit. On the whole, I feel good about losing some of the excess.

Personally, I’ve found a lot more release by writing on Lyrical Musings. Maybe you don’t even know what this is or have forgotten about it. I have a blog dedicated solely to writing — mostly poetry — in a cathartic way. As you’ll see, romance was on my mind in 2013.

I threw some big parties last year. There was a lot of stress. Memories, sure, but I think I need to keep things smaller than that in the future.

So what now? I definitely want to keep up my friendships and make things happen romantically but I have no arbitrary goals for 2014. In fact, I have no resolutions at all, really. I think this is because if I continue doing what I did last year, I am okay with that. Perhaps this is a sign of a year well done.

Oct 17

Weight of the World

Don't make someone a priority if all you are is an option.

Well, the duck can’t be wrong..

I always see this meme  floating around, and while I agree with it in theory, I don’t think I embody the meaning of it. No one makes me a priority. Hell, I don’t even feel like an option to most people that I love. I feel as though none of my relationships are 50/50 or anything close, not familial, friendly or romantic/sexual. It feels as though I am always giving far more than half of my share. And while some days I’m grateful to be able to do that, to be there for people, today is just not one of those days.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a bad mood, the fact that I drank last night or this headache. I’ll certainly not be affected by it this much in just a few hours, that much I know. However, I don’t necessarily think that it’s because I’ll go back to thinking that my relationships are fair. I just know that it won’t bother me as much at a later date. Those aren’t the same things, and it’s kind of a bummer.

So, my relationships aren’t fair. They’re sort of one-sided, and there’s a reason for this. I am just a thoughtful person. It’s because of my anxiety. I analyze a lot of situations, and the things that some people never think of are the things that I can’t forget. This makes for one thoughtful person.. but one thoughtful person who doesn’t feel like she gets a lot back for all her efforts. I don’t want to sound entitled, but I guess I feel like if I can do these things for the people I love, can’t they think of me in return?

And I know that other people don’t think the same or view the same as I do. I also know that some people do think of me. Sometimes they do sweet things because they want to make me smile, but I don’t feel like anyone goes out of their way the way that I sometimes do. And they don’t do it in ways that helps relieve the stress, but perhaps they can’t. That’s not the roll of a friend. It doesn’t usually feel like I’m on a team, like anyone’s in my corner. Sometimes it feels so very lonely. That’s one of the few things I miss about being married.

If I do this with my friends, why wouldn’t I do it with my relationships? That’s the thing. If you tell me to cut someone off for being a douche, shouldn’t I do that with all my friends who make me feel exactly the same? Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I pick and choose the people who can walk all over me and those who can’t?

There is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I deserve better from everyone, but logic wins out because idealistic thoughts like that only lead to disappointment when you have to deal with the real world. The reason that I put so much effort into these things is because I don’t really trust the people I love to love me back as much. I don’t have faith that they’ll apologize if they’re wrong, and I can’t help but think of the long-term success of the relationship over my current state of being. I have to be the one to do the work because if I don’t, who will?

It’s just how the world works, and I’ve got to get used to carrying it.

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