The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

The Institution of Marriage

I must admit that when people talk about banning gay marriage to preserve the institution of marriage, I am entirely confused as to what the hell that means. It’s not like the one man-one woman ideal has exactly helped the institution. Society has come to a point where people view marriage as something as fleeting. Divorce is seen as an acceptable answer to every little problem. People quit instead of facing the facts: marriage is not for the faint of heart but with a little elbow grease, most problems are fixable.

And if you take a look at why people are getting married, you see that many times the intentions are not what can be considered good. They’re selfish or manipulative. People are marrying for money, legal status, because there is nothing better to do or for power. Sure, some people marry for love but society doesn’t seem to have a bone to pick with those reasons. I mean really, it’s like society has made a mockery of marriage anyway so wouldn’t letting people who want to marry because they love each others and their families actually help preserve this institution? Could just be me, though..

Speaking of families, procreation is often listed as a reason why gay marriage is a bad idea. As if gay people don’t want families? It’s not like they haven’t or won’t jump through hoops to have children and manage parental rights. No straight person would stand for that kind of legal red tape so why is it fair to ask that of gay people? And if procreation is so damned important, then shouldn’t we ban people from marrying who have no plans to or are not able to conceive children?

None of these arguments just make any sense when viewed from a logical perspective.

Yet

And I Know Someday That It’ll All Turn Out
You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Whatever It Takes

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn’t even know
Now there’s a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

She said “If we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see”
She said “Like it or not it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me”

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I’ll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

Honey Do This

For the first time I can recall, I am writing Ryan a Honey-Do list. It feels silly and sweet at the same time. Have you ever written or received a Honey-Do list or do you communicate these things verbally? If you write lists or notes, do you personalize them?

If you only knew

If you only knew
I’m hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I’d sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I’ve lived and learned

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that wen’t wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you’re gone
I don’t regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Mostly..

Can you forgive me again
I don’t know what I said
But I didn’t mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You’re not shouting anymore
You’re silently broken

I’d give anything now
To kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret
I cry I don’t want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me

‘Cause you were made for me
Somehow I’ll make you see
How happy you make me

I can’t live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes
And I’m screaming inside that I’m sorry

And you forgive me again
You’re my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

I Do

A decade (or even shorter) ago, I didn’t put much faith in marriage. I couldn’t blame me. At that time, all of my family members who had ever been married had also been divorced, often several times each. I didn’t have anyone to look up to. I had no example that marriage can really work. And, as a teen, I was rebellious enough to not understand what a piece of paper meant. I’d been in love a few times by the time I decided you didn’t need to get married. It didn’t mean anything more than if you were seriously committed to dating. I certainly never saw myself marrying.

And then I met a boy. I fell in love with that boy and, for the first time in my life, experienced happiness the way princesses do in fairy tales. Despite the fact that my every experience screamed that true love doesn’t exist and it’s useless being romantic, I found myself becoming romantic and believing in true love. When that boy proposed, I said yes, like I knew I would. I had known for some time because the idea that I wanted to spend my life with that boy had snuck up on me and planted itself firmly. I had hope.

As I re-evaluate my marriage, and face the idea that I may not be married “until death do us part” (even though, those words were not in our vows), it’s hard to hold on to that hope. Divorce is, if not entirely a start over, at least dramatically life altering. My husband and I share a home, possessions and pets. We share insurance and cell phone plans. While all those things are material and I can ultimately rebuild, they only signify the fact that we share a life together. All the material things serve to represent the emotional things we have come to share: love, trust, confidences, strengths, weaknesses and deepest, darkest secrets. Not to mention the sheer amount of time we have dedicated to one another.

The fall seems so much further, now. Being married has changed my perception about marriage. It’s not just a piece of paper and divorce is not just breaking up. In fact, I’m not sure if I can think of anything more appalling at this moment than the idea of divorce. If the idea of divorce is appalling, the idea of no longer being married to my husband is heart stopping. Perhaps the reason marriage has transformed in my mind, is simple because I do love him so much that, while I may not always remember it, I cannot imagine not spending every day of the rest of my life married to him.

Perhaps if I had remembered that all along, we would not be where we are now and I could simply be celebrating marriage and love and commitment. Instead, I am contemplating my life without those things and nothing could be more difficult.