The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘pets’ Category

Mr Cuddlepants

Mr. Cuddlepants is my nickname for Phantom. One of many, actually. It is a somewhat patronizing nickname; although, it’s also suitable. You see, Phantom loves to cuddle his mommy and, as his mommy I love that he loves to cuddle. But he has certain requirements. He only cuddles in the bedroom and usually only if I have a specific blanket on the bed. When I say cuddle, what I really mean is that he kneads in proximity to me. See, he was separated from his kitty mommy too early, so he kneads and sucks on blankets like a kitten would. Often, this kneading leads to claw marks on his human mommy, but I try to deal with it because I like being close to him.

While Phantom remains curiously aloof with other people, we have a strong bond. In fact, my roommate has never even heard him purr. If you visit, he’s friendly. He’ll come right up, smell you out and then promptly leave when he’s figured you out. There’s no doubt that he’s a smartypants. There’s a reason why he looks so intelligent and I always describe his cunning and his badassery.

Yes, I’m still talking about a cat.

He is mentally and physically at the top of his game, boys and girls.

But, behind the bedroom door, he is Mr. Cuddlepants, a little boy who loves his mommy and shows it in a very specific way.

Meow Meow Face

Meow Meow Face is Goliath’s new nickname. Yesterday, I mentioned how soft his fur was and if he conditioned and Wendy told me a story about Goliath’s activity.

You see, Goliath conditions his fur with sherbert that he purchases from the Cat Palace down the road. He steals money from me, sneaks out a tiny hole and walks to the palace. There, he buys his product, puts is in his pack and walks home. He conditions his fur with the cherry-flavored (but cat-scented) dessert in my tub and cleans it, so I won’t notice. He sneaks back out to recycle the tub.

The secret life of Meow Meow Face! Who knew?

5 Things That Are Harder to Do Because of My Cats

Sleeping

Seriously. If it’s not from Goliath meowing randomly and clawing at the door or banging his food dish. Or Phantom pawing the bottom of the dresser, running over my body, climbing the walls and knocking stuff off the dresser. Or maybe he’s waking me up for cuddles. Or maybe they’re chasing each other through the house. They’ve been especially bad lately. If I can get to sleep, I wake up multiple times due to the cats anyway.

Making the bed

Maybe my first point doesn’t even matter since I can’t make Phantom stop chasing the sheets long enough to get them on the bed. Oh, and remember how excited I was to have satin sheets? Maybe a bad idea. They look pretty horrendous now.

Walking

Have you ever taken a step only to step on your cat and then you feel super bad when they meow? Or maybe you’ve moved forward when a cat was trying to jump onto something — directly in your path — and it collided with you bodily? My favorite is when I move my leg forward and it collides — midair! — with a cat.

Dressing

Anything with straps or strings. Anything that flows and moves. Phantom’s on it and his claws are in me. Ow ow ow.

The Internet.

How many pictures have I taken of the laptop on my lap and Goliath all on top? Yea, a lot.

I Should Get a Fish

Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.

• Fish eat less than cats.
• They do not chew on plastic.
• They do not make sounds.
• I don’t have to clean out a litter box.
• They don’t walk all over your person.
• Or yawn in your face.
• Or chew/scratch your body.
• Or scratch at carpet.
• Fish take up less room.
• Fish don’t climb doorways.
• Fish don’t bang their food dishes when they’re hungry; they just die.

These are the reasons I should get a fish if you ignore the fact that fish are stupid  pets. Insted, I have these:

 

That is not a toy

AKA a list of non-toy-things that the cats effin’ love

• Q-tips
• Chopsticks
• Milk hug rings
• Chapstick
• Batteries
• Bugs
• Feet
• The mattress
• Ties/strings on my shirts

These are just a few of their favorite things!

Phantom’s Box

According to “The Internet,” you should include photos in your blog, possibly at least one photo in each post. Now, that sort of seems like overkill to me but you know I’m all about the words (AKA I’m a wordy bitch) but I figured it couldn’t hurt to improve your day with some cat shots. After all, my friends looove when I send all sorts of cat images to their phones!

So, this is Phantom’s box. I call it Phantom’s box because Phantom loves it. I’m so creative, I know!

Phantom’s box originally contained a shipment of Pure Romance goodies for review. The packaging was pretty and smart, consisting of crimped strips of paper and tissue paper. I temporarily left the box on the floor and, before I knew it, Phantom decided it was his bed. When I’d go to bed, he’d come into the room and crawl into his, a tiny ball surrounded by pink.

It remained Phantom–and only Phantom’s–bed for a while until Goliath discovered it. Then it became sort of warped, the sides flexing outward at the weight of his bulk. Goliath will sometimes sleep next to the box when Phantom is in it or they’ll have a licking-turned-fighting moment where Goliath will take over the box.

Phantom hasn’t been in his box as much lately. He likes my new bedding but, last night, I woke up and he was there again so I think I’ll keep it around.

Phantom is a Freak

So, if you have cats, they probably like to drink from tubs and sinks and puddles and God-knows-where-else even if the water dish is overflowing. I even have a friend whose cat will only drink straight from the tap so she keeps it dripping all the time.

Thus, I wasn’t surprised when I pulled back the shower curtain to see Phantom come waltzing up. I figured he was there to drink the tub water (eww, anyway). I was toweling myself off in the tub, as I like to do my dripping there and not on the rug when I feeel…

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On my thigh. Shower and a bath. Thanks!