Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Apr 24

Relationships 101

Getting married did not automatically make me a less selfish person. Saying “I Do” did not mean I suddenly gained all the knowledge and learned all the skills I would need to positive contribute to my relationship. Sure, the desire to be happy and to make Ryan happy was there but desire alone does not magically produce results.

I’ve heard it said time and again that there is no manual for parenting, that you can never be truly prepared. I have yet to personally experience that but I believe the same holds true for many other things, including relationships.

We live in a society where there is no mandatory relationship education, no government sponsored textbooks on the subject. If our sex education is lacking, then education about being in an emotionally healthy relationship is a fairy tale.

We’re left to our own devices and while I have nothing against trial and error in some sectors of life, it becomes a whole lot trickier when feelings are involved.

This isn’t to say that resources haven’t sprung up to fill the need. They have. Therapists and talk show hosts, books, chat rooms and webinars all contain invaluable (well, sometimes worthless) information about how to be in a healthy relationship. But these are all resources you have to seek out yourself, often times on your own dime. Realizing you could use some help and then biting the bullet to ask for it are hard enough but, really, we live in a society where it’s all too easy not to realize we need a little help.

I mean, if you have no education about a healthy relationship to begin with, when do you realize it’s not? If no one has ever told you that it’s important to learn relationship sills or what those skills are, why would you seek out that information on your own? Perhaps this is why our society is strewn with broken hearts and divorce papers. Just a thought.

I don’t necessarily think we should be mandating peoples’ love lives. That’s a bit too involved even for my tastes. I just cannot help but wonder if we could be doing more to help people better themselves and their relationships. When “better” is just an option and an expensive one at that, it’s an option left unconsidered by the majority.

Mar 31


I am trying to be more grateful and gracious. It is a trying process. I guess no one said change or growth were easy but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Still, it’s helpful to take time out to consider everything I do have to be grateful for. It would be easy for me to say “nothing” right now but that would also be short sighted.

First and foremost, I am grateful for my friends and family who love me no matter how flawed I am. And you better believe this model comes with her fair share of flaws.

I absolutely adore my kitties who have made the past year and a half a ball of fun and insanity. I love that Ryan loves them, too, because no one expected that from him.

I appreciated that my life has taken me across the country and across the world. I may never travel again but I still have some awesome destinations under my wing.

I am thankful for the head on my shoulders which may be a little perplexed right now but is otherwise pretty intelligent and has helped me get through a lot.

I love that you folks are reading and commenting on my blogs. Maybe this ought to be an ode to the internet in general but the fact that I can type up some shit here and someone across the country might care is awesome. Plus, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had because of my websites including products to review and making money.

I totally am thankful that others who have gone through hard times have written books about it. And so have the folks who know how to help a person through a rough patch. I’m reading all sorts of books which are helping me cope right now.

I am thankful that Ryan is a nice guy even when he doesn’t want to be.

I am thankful for warm sun and cool breezes. Long walks to no where. Good jokes (and sometimes even bad ones). Yummy food. A therapeutic shower. My ability to articulate.

I am grateful for having known love as powerful and sometimes devastating as it is. To know that it simply exists makes everything worthwhile.

I am grateful for silly, late night chats. Inside jokes. Fun and slushy drinks.

I love that music exists. If I have felt it, there is a song which describes it. If I feel like moving, there is a song which prompts me to do so. If I don’t know how to say it, someone else does.

I am also thankful for my youth. And, when the mirror is being nice, my good looks. ;)

Mar 11

The Institution of Marriage

I must admit that when people talk about banning gay marriage to preserve the institution of marriage, I am entirely confused as to what the hell that means. It’s not like the one man-one woman ideal has exactly helped the institution. Society has come to a point where people view marriage as something as fleeting. Divorce is seen as an acceptable answer to every little problem. People quit instead of facing the facts: marriage is not for the faint of heart but with a little elbow grease, most problems are fixable.

And if you take a look at why people are getting married, you see that many times the intentions are not what can be considered good. They’re selfish or manipulative. People are marrying for money, legal status, because there is nothing better to do or for power. Sure, some people marry for love but society doesn’t seem to have a bone to pick with those reasons. I mean really, it’s like society has made a mockery of marriage anyway so wouldn’t letting people who want to marry because they love each others and their families actually help preserve this institution? Could just be me, though..

Speaking of families, procreation is often listed as a reason why gay marriage is a bad idea. As if gay people don’t want families? It’s not like they haven’t or won’t jump through hoops to have children and manage parental rights. No straight person would stand for that kind of legal red tape so why is it fair to ask that of gay people? And if procreation is so damned important, then shouldn’t we ban people from marrying who have no plans to or are not able to conceive children?

None of these arguments just make any sense when viewed from a logical perspective.

Mar 10

The Nature of the Beast

Sex is neither inherently good or evil, in the same way that no material object is good or bad. Sex, when used incorrectly, can be debilitating and life altering while sex, with good intentions, would be described as some as magical. For some reason, some folks can only see one half of the sex coin. It seems like I know far too many people who are using sex for the wrong reasons.

I know so many women who become obsessed with sex and start to view it as the only thing about them that is appealing which is never the truth. They whore out their bodies in an attempt to feel better about themselves and are surprised, even stupefied, when they still feel just as badly. They try to convince themselves that they are happy or should be but it’s just not the case. I don’t know why people, women especially, do that to themselves. It’s easy to tell that someone who wants you for only sex will dump you as soon as someone better looking, more adventurous, younger etc arrives on the scene.

On the other hand, people use sex to manipulate their relationships. It becomes a tool of power, not something which is shared and meaningful but something which can help you get your way or keep a person in “their place.” Everyone involved starts to see an action which can be beneficial and joyful as negative. Perhaps it makes them angry, resentful or even fearful. This approach shouldn’t really be surprising as sex has been used to control people through the ages and not just by individuals. Certainly the issue of gay rights arises as well as age of consent and religious teachings.

At the end of the day, I cannot look at sex as something which many possibilities, some of which may seem conflicting but none of which are carved in stone.

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