The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Dancing Around The House

to this:

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)

me more
more than ever

so you are my love and…
you just can’t wait till the morning
though I stall and studder
tonight we won’t wait any longer

you say you try to love with any heart you’ve had
but does it matter?
does it matter?

Oh…
oh oh oh oh…
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love…me in the morning laughter

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love…me more
more than ever

Let me
Let me
be your star
Let me be your sun

so you’re shining waiting
to put your arms around me

now we’re dancing daylight
and we will awake in the starlight

so you try to love with any heart you have
but does it matter?
does it matter?

oh
oh oh oh oh
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
me more
more than ever

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
me more
more than ever

Let me…
let me…
be your star
let me be your sun

so you try and love with any heart you have
more than ever

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
me more
more than ever

Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
Love… (Lu-ah-uh-uve)
me more
more than ever

Let me
Let me
be your star

Let me
Let me
be your star

I Can’t Wait Until I’m 70

Level 70 that is. I know no one will care but my newest MapleStory character is really leveling quickly. It almost makes me angry, how easy the game is compared to when I started playing. Still, it makes it fun and this is the only character that I could realistically get to level 70 to make a job advancement and it’s exciting for me.

Wish me luck.

Look at that cat in the Santa hat

The last page on our 2011 calendar features a kitty in a Santa hat. All the other pages feature other types of cats, too. This means that November is over and while I did not sign up for NaBloPoMo, I tried to make an effort to post more, across all my blogs. I was pretty successful and even though I didn’t post nearly close to every day on Her Realm, I posted a lot more. It felt good.

I’ve been mulling over this post in my head for a while because.. I don’t know if anyone will read it and I don’t know if it will leave an impression on those who do. But it’s important to me and I still rely on the validation of others just enough that the idea that it will go un-noticed and that’s kind of precisely what this post is about.

You see, I started this blog as a cry for help. I was angry and hurting and frustrated and confused and I was never taught how to express that and I had a hard time reaching out to those who cared about me the most, when they were even around. I desperately wanted someone to see that. I needed someone to understand that I was not okay and I wished that my blog would make someone force through my walls, break them down to get to me. And, as much as I wanted someone to reach out, I still strangely veiled my feelings. I was passive aggressive, vague and cryptic about my feelings. I put up another wall even as I tried to reach out.

I purposefully sent my friends and family to my blog and when people would ask how I was, I would send them here. When I look back at some of my archives, I am so sad that anyone could ever feel that way. Reading those words brings up the feelings and I hate that they ever exist. No one should ever feel that way but I did.

If I read long enough, though, I will see a change. I will see happiness emerge here and there. I see the struggles of a long term relationship but I see the happiness I felt at having found my one. I’ll see the frustration at growing up, moving away from the people I love. I’ll see the emergence of maturity and understanding. Skip ahead a couple years and I see the acceptance of my divorce and the sheer will power it took to finally change some of those awful habits and attitudes that made me unhappy for so long. There’s a period of time where I feel like I only tried to express positivity and there’s a lot of talk about the progress I made. There’s pride. And hope.

It has been difficult to keep up that positivity this year. There’s been new stresses, many of which related to finances, work and sharing a home with another person. There’s also been a lot of things I’ve crossed off the bucket list I didn’t even know I had and I think the more recent entries express the things I’ve gotten to do and the people I’ve been able to spend time with. I’ve unlearned bad habits and tried to connect more fully with those I care about, without a crutch. I’ve become more open about myself, some might argue too open about some things. I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that people will discover something unseemly about me.

The more recent entries have been more balanced, I think. There’s been some serious, personal topics but there’s been humor and pictures of cats and I’ve felt comfortable enough to be more opinionated than I have been (although, not as opinionated as I once was).

So this blog did not do what I expected it to. In the end, I’ve had to be far more direct to connect with those around me and, sadly, I spent far too long in a dark place. But this blog has helped, slowly. It connected me with other people, new people. It helped me to feel not quite so alone and it gave me a place to vent, to joke, to think and to express myself where one otherwise did not exist. Finally, it has come to a place that I will not be ashamed or sad or frustrated to look back upon in the future.

It’s funny how life gives us what we need when we’re too busy working about what we think we want.

I am horrible at relaxing

I decided to take a day off. One day per week is all I allot myself when I do decide that it’s okay to take a day off. I was successful, at first. I changed from PJs into roommate-appropriate PJs. I crawled out of bed, onto the sofa. I flipped on the TV. I tried to watch Ratotouille but.. something happened.

I stopped watching TV to do dishes, put my laundry in the washer, clean the floor around the garbage can, tidy and clean the kitchen counters and top of the stove. I almost successfully returned to doing nothing when I sat back down to play some MapleStory but after being disconnected, I hopped in the shower, which then prompted another series of things that looking nothing at all like relaxing: shaving my legs, cleaning the sink (so I can put shower stuff in it to clean the shower), wiping down the toilet, cleaning the shower, switching out the towels, refolding all the towels in my bathroom cabinet and Febreezing the living room furniture.

I swear I’m done now but that’s only because vacuuming is rude at midnight and I’m out of Lysol wipes.

On Facebook and Friends

A while ago, I made a practice of deleting a person a day from my Facebook account. I have a lot of “Friends” there but how many of them are really my friends? Facebook is great because you can look up anyone, everyone that you’ve ever met but that’s sort of its downfall. With MySpace, my friends list was full of bands and people I didn’t know but, hey, at least I could pretend I was using the site because I wanted to get to know them. I make no such claims with Facebook. My Facebook friends list is full of people to whom I never speak, with whom I will never have a conversation again.

Perhaps it started because I simply wanted to have no pending friend requests. Maybe I felt guilty when I didn’t add people but now my friends list is full of people who were my friend eight years ago but one or both of us have changed so much — or stayed so exactly the same — that we could never have a friendship now, if we hadn’t already been friends. And that’s the better of the non-friend Facebook friends. I’ve got a ton of people who went to the same school as me but with whom I never had a single conversation who have tried to add me. I have people who have tried to add me who I’ve felt nothing but disgust for. I have people of whom I have absolutely no recollection.

Sure, people change and, yes, friendships can arise from surprising sources but Facebook isn’t one of those. I don’t talk to these people because of Facebook. It hasn’t facilitated much in the way of connections. It hasn’t rekindled a single friendship that I can think of. In fact, Facebook only connects me to people with whom I’d already be connecting outside of Facebook. It only keeps me up to date with people I’d remember even if there were no Facebook.

So when I say that a friendship a decade ago is not enough to keep you on my friends list. I’m not lying. It’s not. But it’s not unkind, either. We’re not meant to keep in contact with every person we ever met. Trying to do so will only weigh us down, perhaps more-so for those of us with anxiety. The value of our connections is that they are fleeting. They all cannot possibly last forever and, if we’re smart, that motivates us to make the best of that time and to be grateful for it.

Meow Meow Face

Meow Meow Face is Goliath’s new nickname. Yesterday, I mentioned how soft his fur was and if he conditioned and Wendy told me a story about Goliath’s activity.

You see, Goliath conditions his fur with sherbert that he purchases from the Cat Palace down the road. He steals money from me, sneaks out a tiny hole and walks to the palace. There, he buys his product, puts is in his pack and walks home. He conditions his fur with the cherry-flavored (but cat-scented) dessert in my tub and cleans it, so I won’t notice. He sneaks back out to recycle the tub.

The secret life of Meow Meow Face! Who knew?

First Snow

I woke up this morning, peaked out the window and saw an inch or so of snow. I remembered Mom saying we were due some and promptly went back to sleep for a couple hours. When I finally woke, there was more snow — a few inches — and it was still going. I have to admit it was pretty, at first at least. Snow as wet as this quickly turns into slush (eww), which it did. It’s supposed to warm up in the next few days so I’m sure this will all melt. It’s right on time, though. I always expect the first snow right around Wendy’s birthday, which is tomorrow!