Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jun 20

I’m Okay. You’re Okay. Etc.

Father’s Day has been over for a few hours. I suppose I could feel relieved but I don’t, not really. Lately, not having a father has weighed on me more heavily than it has in the past. Certainly, as Father’s Day looms in the horizon and the commercials are all about loving fatherly relationships and the gifts that show your thanks, I have time to wonder what it would be like if I had ever had the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day and if I ever will. Will there be a day when I have children of my own and I craft presents from infants to a man that I love? As they grow will we create home-made gifts together?

I can’t blame the people I love for taking their dads for granted because it should be something that you can take for granted. No one should be missing something so critical to development, to happiness, to life. Yet, here I am, lacking a father and more-or-less okay without one. It perhaps took some extra hard work on my part and I fight my tendencies to be sexist (after all, I could easily say that almost every male I have ever trusted has hurt me somehow) on a daily basis but I make the effort and I come out on top in spite of it.

Perhaps that’s all there is to it. To survive this, I control myself because I certainly can’t tell people to stop having fathers or companies to stop posting Father’s Day commercials. Some things just are what they are and, in the meantime, I’m okay.

Jan 18

Turn the Page

In the book that is Cole’s life, this chapter would start with something stereotypical such as “I never expected to return home and part of me dreaded it, as much as the rest of me was looking forward to it.” I would continue on with words about how things were not how they were when I left them (true), how I needed to cut ties with some of the people and things that used to be part of my life (also true) and how, despite all this, things would turn out even more amazingly that I could ever imagine (the truest).

I think what surprises me most about returning home is not the reconnections I looked forward to but the new connections I am constantly fostering. I have become good friends with complete strangers and better friends with mere acquaintances. The area itself and the individual people in it are continuing to surprise me. I never realized my home town, my home state was so full of versatility, options and adventure.

If you hadn’t noticed, the holidays were a little difficult and moving was stressful. I wasn’t able to be as positive as I’d have liked and that in itself was bringing me down a bit. I have been so positive these last few weeks, however. I’ve been dealing with, if not managing to overcome my anxieties and, at the end of the day, I am most surprised–yet pleased–with myself. As confident as I might sometimes appear, I guess I never knew I had it in me.

I am so fucking glad to be exactly where I am.

Jun 05

Small Victories

May didn’t go out with a bang, big or otherwise. It did end on a high note if only because I have been working on being more grateful for what I do have. I hit up the mall on Saturday and got a new pair of jeans, a new game for my DS (Galactrix) and a bunch of soap from Bath and Body Works. Rather than being stressful, the trip to the mall was quite enjoyable despite the influx of shoppers for Memorial Day sales. To add to that, I walked into a dressing room with 2 sizes of jeans and only had to try on the smaller one.

May was my first full month working for Demand Studios and I got a good feel for it. I’ve definitely improved and have a better feel for the site.

I got a lovely birthday call, shortly after midnight, from Dez and Ryan and I hit up iHop in the wee morning hours of my birthday. My Facebook was full of well wishes and I got cards in the mail, unexpectedly. I honestly don’t even expect cards anymore so it’s always nice!

I feel like May was a perfect example of lowing your standards a bit and being pleasantly surprised by the world. In fact, it was the best month this year.

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