Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jun 15

I Feel Weird

I suppose that Father’s Day is for me like Valentine’s Day is for many singles. I don’t have a father so I don’t understand the hype. I don’t know how to feel, so I impatiently wait for it to pass so I can get on with my life and ignore all the posts on Facebook.

Of course, more people have a father than a significant other — or so I’d guess — and I don’t think it occurs to them that their celebrations might exclude someone. And don’t for one minute think that I don’t want people to be happy. If you have a good father or even if you have a decent-at-best father and even if your father is mediocre but has sometimes done the right thing by you, then you’ve got more than I do. And you should celebrate it. Otherwise, you’re just an ungrateful asshole.

But I have none of the above. Part of me wishes I were angry about it, but I’ve had more than a quarter of a century to come to terms, and I’ve never known anything. Instead, I just sort of feel nothing where other people feel something, even if it’s anger at the fathers they got for being shitty. It’s strange to deal with holidays where you’re supposed to have all the feels and just.. not have any.

So I shall leave with thoughts, instead. Happy Father’s Day if you are one. Mine doesn’t know about me, but there are many fathers who cannot be with their children. The fact that you can be is not  guaranteed.

If you have a father to celebrate, do so. Having a father is not default in this world, and you are almost certainly going to see him die. So don’t waste time while you’re both here.


Dec 22

My Sister Has a Theory About Santa

aaaand it is a doozy.

Santa by PepOmint

I’ve been pestering her about her belief in Kris Kringle for a while. She’s ten. Its expensive for Mom. We’re all surprised that she still believe in any way, but she is a naive little girl.

My pestering has led to me admitting that I do not believe in Santa and her response about how she’s not sure. I get a response like “half and half” or “I sorta believe.” I want to tip her over to nonbelief of her own accord, so we don’t have to break her heart.

I was attempting again tonight in the car and got a response that I didn’t expect at least.

Sam said that Santa was just “superstition” and that mom wraps presents and “doesn’t hide them very well.” She elaborated that Santa sends mom presents in advance. Santa and Mom meet up. So I asked where.

Sam’s reply? Rib Mountain. I asked if they get coffee to talk it over. She said that they go to Wal-mart where Santa doesn’t give mom presents. No, he orders them. Then, the presents come in and Mom gets them. She hides them (not very well!) and wraps them, placing labels from Santa on the gifts.

This is a very specific story, and it certainly derails from the classic theology of Santa. It takes a lot of justification to find hidden Christmas presents and continue to believe in Santa in any form. That’s how most of us stop believing.

Anyway, I just thought you would all enjoy the story and if I don’t post before then, Merry Christmas!

 


Jun 20

I’m Okay. You’re Okay. Etc.

Father’s Day has been over for a few hours. I suppose I could feel relieved but I don’t, not really. Lately, not having a father has weighed on me more heavily than it has in the past. Certainly, as Father’s Day looms in the horizon and the commercials are all about loving fatherly relationships and the gifts that show your thanks, I have time to wonder what it would be like if I had ever had the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day and if I ever will. Will there be a day when I have children of my own and I craft presents from infants to a man that I love? As they grow will we create home-made gifts together?

I can’t blame the people I love for taking their dads for granted because it should be something that you can take for granted. No one should be missing something so critical to development, to happiness, to life. Yet, here I am, lacking a father and more-or-less okay without one. It perhaps took some extra hard work on my part and I fight my tendencies to be sexist (after all, I could easily say that almost every male I have ever trusted has hurt me somehow) on a daily basis but I make the effort and I come out on top in spite of it.

Perhaps that’s all there is to it. To survive this, I control myself because I certainly can’t tell people to stop having fathers or companies to stop posting Father’s Day commercials. Some things just are what they are and, in the meantime, I’m okay.


Jan 18

Turn the Page

In the book that is Cole’s life, this chapter would start with something stereotypical such as “I never expected to return home and part of me dreaded it, as much as the rest of me was looking forward to it.” I would continue on with words about how things were not how they were when I left them (true), how I needed to cut ties with some of the people and things that used to be part of my life (also true) and how, despite all this, things would turn out even more amazingly that I could ever imagine (the truest).

I think what surprises me most about returning home is not the reconnections I looked forward to but the new connections I am constantly fostering. I have become good friends with complete strangers and better friends with mere acquaintances. The area itself and the individual people in it are continuing to surprise me. I never realized my home town, my home state was so full of versatility, options and adventure.

If you hadn’t noticed, the holidays were a little difficult and moving was stressful. I wasn’t able to be as positive as I’d have liked and that in itself was bringing me down a bit. I have been so positive these last few weeks, however. I’ve been dealing with, if not managing to overcome my anxieties and, at the end of the day, I am most surprised–yet pleased–with myself. As confident as I might sometimes appear, I guess I never knew I had it in me.

I am so fucking glad to be exactly where I am.