Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Feb 25

Two Weeks in the Life

As I typed this, my laptop keeps flickering from battery to AC power. My cable is slowly dying because the port is positioned strangely and the cord bends at an angle. I have a spare, but I like to use things until they die. In related news, my laptop battery is also dying. It’s been 3 years, though, so I feel as though I’ve gotten my money’s worth.

My new cell phone is still better than sex.

I’m also pretty excited about my living room rearrangement, which happened at 6:00 in the morning the other weekend when Dave was over. It feels much cozier and more inviting. The space is generally used better, and my sort of open layout apartment is better compartmentalized — in a good way. The cats also like how accessible how all their furniture has become because, you know, I’m a crazy cat lady complete with cat furniture.

Two weekends ago, I attended the second funeral I’ve ever been to in my life for the mother of a close friend. It was in a funeral home so that was different. Many people showed to express their love, and we had a dinner afterward that managed to be fun despite loss. The first few days after her death were harder for me than I expected. Parents don’t typically like me, but she did. She fed me with love. She was a kind person, the kind of person who deserved better than she got, you might say. It’s hard to look at smiling photos and realize that she is gone. Death is permanence that is hard for me to accept. Permanence is hard for me to accept to begin with.

But things have been good. I’ve been in a good place for a while now. The soul-sucking cold of winter just has be being forgetful. I managed to get a terrible cold that came on oh-so-suddenly but sleeping 16 hours a day for the first three days has gotten me over the hump. For this, I am grateful.

February has been a month full of makeup. Most of it has sucked. The stuff that hasn’t will go up on Reviews by Cole, simply because I purchased most of it and, god damn, am I sick of writing negative reviews.

I discovered and watched Weeds in its entirety over the last week. I cannot help but draw parallels with Breaking Bad. However, Breaking Bad is by far the better series. About halfway through Weeds, the writing staff must have changed. It lost its special something, but I was already invested by then. So, now, I need more recommendations because TV is doing this weird winter break thing.

My friends and I are already excitedly planning Wizard World Chicago (James O’barr! The Walking Dead!). I hope to add another trip to Minneapolis. No conventions this time. Just burlesque shows and concerts if I have it my way.

And now I am listening you YouTube artist Jasmine Thompson:

I’ve gotta run.


Jan 05

Two Zero One Three

Welcome to 2014. There’s a new WordPress theme, so it must be a new year. That aside..

I thought I’d go over my 2013.

Over so soon?

Over so soon?

The year started on a high. Maybe because I’d sort of met someone. It didn’t work out but it gave me confidence to look for more possible romances. There were also several people interested in me over the year, and I returned the interest with someone. We spent some amazing time together, but it just seemed like it wasn’t the right place or right time. Truthfully, I’m hopeful that will change but realistic enough to realize that it probably won’t.

Because I felt invincible, I wanted to reconnect with some friends who I’d “broken up with” in 2012 or earlier. Honestly, I felt as though the frustration they had caused before was something that I could deal with better last year. This was true.. for a while. I am currently re-evaluating whether all those people need to be in my life. It’s difficult.

However, I wound up making several new friendships through that decision, so I do not regret it. Fate seemed to be on my side when it came to reconnecting because several other people came back into my life. All in all, I was a whole lot more social in 2013 than the previous years. This involved a lot of trivia nights, game nights, parties and drinking. It felt right for a 27 year-0ld. I guess I felt like I’d never quite gotten to be that person before.

Work has remained mostly the same. I don’t talk about this. It’s annoying.

My family dynamics have also remained the same but moving last year meant I was much closer to my mom and sister. So I’ve walked there many times this year. In fact, walking took on a lot more significance and I walked hundreds of miles this summer which led to some weight loss that’s probably all coming back since it’s cold and I’m cooped up inside. Oops.

In terms of material goods, 2013 was really good for me. I beefed up my wardrobe, especially for winter. I went through many shoes due to all the walking, but I have both an awesome pair of Chucks and boots that I recently bought. I bought both a PS3 and a Nintendo 3DS with a slew of games for them. I outfitted my living room with an area rug and an ottoman. Things have definitely come together. I enjoy the spending money.

In the process, I got a new hard drive for my laptop and installed it with a little help from Ben. I also finally rooted my phone even though I’m planning on getting a new one as soon as possible.

2013 was as geeky as ever. I went to two large conventions — Convergence in Minneapolis and Chicago Comic Con. It wasn’t my first time in Chicago, and I really enjoyed seeing some of the panels. I tried out Sci-Fi speed dating. It sucked. I purchased all the things, including some new art. I didn’t blog about either con, I guess. However, I posted lots of photo on Facebook. If you’re my friend, you can see the album for Chicago and the photos from CONvergence in my mobile uploads. CONvergence was really something else. It a fan run convention that’s outgrowing its current state but allowed me to get drunk with bronies. Really, it was such a different experience and some of the things I was able to do — attending the drinking for geeks panel, drinking, eating at some awesome restaurants in Minneapolis, Rocky Horror shadow casting, are like none other. It was too hot for me to costume, but I did make some Facebook friends. I don’t know if I’ll go next year but I will likely go again.

I dove into Reviews By Cole more than I have lately. I’ve reviewed more and joined many more group giveaways. I’ve been posting in more communities; although, not all are a good fit. I think I feel a greater sense of community. This has led to all the tutorials I’ve been posting lately. I’ve been much more active on Facebook. Give us a like, will ya?

Things have changed a bit on Her Realm, too. I moved hosts and am in the process of really cleaning things up. Things like the site section have been condensed to a single page, and the navigation has changed up a bit. On the whole, I feel good about losing some of the excess.

Personally, I’ve found a lot more release by writing on Lyrical Musings. Maybe you don’t even know what this is or have forgotten about it. I have a blog dedicated solely to writing — mostly poetry — in a cathartic way. As you’ll see, romance was on my mind in 2013.

I threw some big parties last year. There was a lot of stress. Memories, sure, but I think I need to keep things smaller than that in the future.

So what now? I definitely want to keep up my friendships and make things happen romantically but I have no arbitrary goals for 2014. In fact, I have no resolutions at all, really. I think this is because if I continue doing what I did last year, I am okay with that. Perhaps this is a sign of a year well done.


Nov 07

So I had a party

and here’s the rundown

  • I have no pictures because I got too drunk, my phone was being ridiculous and it dies anyway.
  • I look terrible in all other pictures because I never got a chance to finish getting ready. I just decided to get drunk instead.
  • When I got home, my ass was sticky.
  • We somehow ate a dozen pizzas.
  • People loved our pinata full of candy, condoms, lube and booze.
  • Everyone had fun.. but it was weird.
  • There was less drama than I thought.
  • Everything seemed later than it was because the country is so dark.
  • Decorations and a deep fryer were broken.
  • A Jeep got stuck in a field.
  • I didn’t even pee on my tail!
  • I made new friends.
  • Apparently I was hilarious.
  • I lost a ball.
  • The stress gave me a cold sore.
  • We still have to clean up all decorations and bring them home.
  • I saw a shooting star!
  • Funny things happened so people took video.
  • I learned that I am an over-the-top details sort of person, but not everyone appreciates that. I should not put more effort into a party than the party itself takes.

However, we all need to have that one big crazy party, and I did it. So yay!


Oct 31

For all the things you gave to me

Thank you for always making me feel beautiful, like it was never a competition and even when I didn’t feel beautiful myself. Somehow, you always made me feel like, when you looked at me, you saw something I would like in the mirror.

And thank you for always respecting my space, my privacy, my anxiety. Thank you for never taking it personally when I needed alone time but, even more..

Thank you for knowing when what I truly needed wasn’t what I thought I wanted. You ignored those arbitrary rules when they weren’t helping me. You made our into a hugging friendship and because of that, I had someone to hug when I really needed it.

I appreciate that you were one of the best friends that I ever had during one of the most difficult times of my life. You never asked for anyone in return, and you never judged the decisions I made, even when they were wrong. Yet, you were always there to listen to my heart’s cries.

Thank you for dinners and movies and drinks and video games and countless minutes spent watching YouTube videos.

Thank you for the late-night phone calls, for putting up with cat pictures and my silly jokes, for loving every dorky part of me. For cuddles when I needed them the most and showing up at my door at midnight to wipe away the tears.

You’ll never know how much I appreciate your easy way, your requests for confirmation, even though we both know I absolutely did want you to continue.

Thank you for honoring my strange requests without judgment and for pushing me far enough to fully be myself.

I am forever grateful for you, the safest place I’ve ever known in my life.

 

 


Oct 17

Weight of the World

Don't make someone a priority if all you are is an option.

Well, the duck can’t be wrong..

I always see this meme  floating around, and while I agree with it in theory, I don’t think I embody the meaning of it. No one makes me a priority. Hell, I don’t even feel like an option to most people that I love. I feel as though none of my relationships are 50/50 or anything close, not familial, friendly or romantic/sexual. It feels as though I am always giving far more than half of my share. And while some days I’m grateful to be able to do that, to be there for people, today is just not one of those days.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a bad mood, the fact that I drank last night or this headache. I’ll certainly not be affected by it this much in just a few hours, that much I know. However, I don’t necessarily think that it’s because I’ll go back to thinking that my relationships are fair. I just know that it won’t bother me as much at a later date. Those aren’t the same things, and it’s kind of a bummer.

So, my relationships aren’t fair. They’re sort of one-sided, and there’s a reason for this. I am just a thoughtful person. It’s because of my anxiety. I analyze a lot of situations, and the things that some people never think of are the things that I can’t forget. This makes for one thoughtful person.. but one thoughtful person who doesn’t feel like she gets a lot back for all her efforts. I don’t want to sound entitled, but I guess I feel like if I can do these things for the people I love, can’t they think of me in return?

And I know that other people don’t think the same or view the same as I do. I also know that some people do think of me. Sometimes they do sweet things because they want to make me smile, but I don’t feel like anyone goes out of their way the way that I sometimes do. And they don’t do it in ways that helps relieve the stress, but perhaps they can’t. That’s not the roll of a friend. It doesn’t usually feel like I’m on a team, like anyone’s in my corner. Sometimes it feels so very lonely. That’s one of the few things I miss about being married.

If I do this with my friends, why wouldn’t I do it with my relationships? That’s the thing. If you tell me to cut someone off for being a douche, shouldn’t I do that with all my friends who make me feel exactly the same? Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I pick and choose the people who can walk all over me and those who can’t?

There is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I deserve better from everyone, but logic wins out because idealistic thoughts like that only lead to disappointment when you have to deal with the real world. The reason that I put so much effort into these things is because I don’t really trust the people I love to love me back as much. I don’t have faith that they’ll apologize if they’re wrong, and I can’t help but think of the long-term success of the relationship over my current state of being. I have to be the one to do the work because if I don’t, who will?

It’s just how the world works, and I’ve got to get used to carrying it.