Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
May 31

A Letter You Won’t Listen To, Anyway

No one is online to talk to so I will talk to my blog.

Dear Dave,

I wasn’t expecting to see a text from you today. In fact, I puzzled about who might be texting me on my birthday when so many people use Facebook to message me. Upon seeing your name, I felt a barrage of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety et al – and none of them was “happy.”

At first, I thought about replying to your “Happy Birthday” text. I would ask you how you wanted me to respond. But then I realized it didn’t matter because either I couldn’t provide you with what you needed, or I just didn’t care.

You had no right to message me. I know this even as I blamed myself for not double-checking you were blocked on my phone after the New Year’s message, which elicited much of the same responses in myself. I shouldn’t have to block you after requesting radio silence for months, then finally deleting you from Facebook and blocking your messages there. For a while, you were blocked on my phone, too. My signals were clear.

It’s not like I wasn’t clear when I said I had to end our friendship, either. When I made the executive decision to end our friendship, I was not only positive it was good for me. I was sure it was good for you. After years of feeling disrespected, my behavior toward you became resentful. In short, I was an asshole and I justified it. And who wants to be that way? Whether you can see it or not, being apart means you no longer have to deal with that.

It’s obvious that the absence of friendship hasn’t opened your eyes any further, however. Unwarranted contact on various occasions – all of which I’ve ignored – prove that you don’t understand why I initially needed space and that you’re currently incapable of respecting me.

I am sure some part of you hopes that you can wish me a happy birthday and I will want to talk. But my immediate response was somewhere between trying not to vomit and crying. Because every time I’ve asked for space, you’ve ignored it, as if your need for validation and reassurance trumps my need for human decency!

At first, I thought a break was all I needed. And had you left me the fuck alone, perhaps it would have. Now, I know that a break is not enough. Every time you’ve proved that you can’t or won’t listen. If space were ever a reality, it’s one you’ve certainly altered by continuing to affect me so.

I don’t know if you see this. I do know that you would surely argue your point. That’s part of the problem. That’s almost all of the problem. That’s a problem I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to eliminate for almost a year now. And you know what?

I am done. With you. Because the positivity I need in my life — and have achieved over the last few months — is unobtainable when you’re around. I only hope you can find some for yourself, without me.


Sep 27

Versus

I am pretty conscientious about how other people feel. I try to be thoughtful and anticipate issues. I spend a lot of time listening to people about their feeling and advising them, and I’ve got a pretty good grasp on how people react to what type of situations.

It’s safe to say, I think, that people aren’t often upset or angry with me because of this. And when they are, it’s often because of how they filter and react to the world around them and less about what I have done. But because I have tried to do everything as “right” as possible, I wind up feeling so confused and hurt when people are angry.

I try to chase them down and change those feelings, and this rarely makes things better. But in my mind, I would — and often do — cut someone slack when they have good intentions. I am sympathetic to others’ feelings, even if it means understanding both sides of the issues when one person wants me to be on “Their” side.

The last 24 hours have been frustrating for me, as someone expressed anger in my direction although not entirely at me. I felt as though it was my fault and worried that more people were angry. Truly, the situation was no one’s fault and just a bit of a misunderstanding. At best, it resulted in a “bummer” for people involved who weren’t me. It boggles my mind that someone could become so angry over it.

At the same time, I know why feelings were running so high, and I also knew it had nothing to do with me. But it was hard to see outside my role and not try to fix it.

I think I need to realize that I can’t “fix’ another person’s feelings — and that I shouldn’t have to. Those feelings are on them, and I don’t need to let them drag me down, too, especially when I can see how irrational those feelings are.

But it’s hard. IT brings me back to my ex, who would hold every negative thing I did or “made” him feel — no matter how unintended — against me. This screwup might be the time he stops dealing with pathetic, unworthy Cole. This might be the time that everything falls to pieces, and it’s all my fault.

He was incredibly manipulative in that way, and while I can see in hindsight that’s neither a person I should love, a relationship that’s healthy or happy to be in or a situation that I am creating, those feelings still creep up on me.

After my divorce, I’ve tried and continue to try so hard to be above criticism, to be so good that no one could again blame me for anything.. even if that’s unrealistic. Because I don’t want to be the person my ex painted me as, whether or not he even believed it. Because I did.

And while I know I am not the same I person if I ever was that person, I guess. It’s also important to remember the people I’m dealing with now aren’t my ex.

This is perhaps a good place to leave off, with thoughtful reflection and while watching an episode of Girls Meets World about conflict in the background.


Aug 15

I suppose I ought to write something since it’s been almost a month since my last post, and what a month it’s been!

The first week of August included my cousin’s birthday, my aunt’s wedding, the annual fair in town and GISHWHES, which was exhausting yet exhilarating. It gave me anxiety, but also a reason to talk to everyone I knew. It tested my creativity, introduced me to people and reconnected me with old friends. While I woke up anxious on some days, I went to bed feeling accomplished.

We won’t have the results for a while yet, and while I don’t know that we will win, I feel happy with that our team was able to do and what I was able to do specifically! I’ve signed up for the coffee table book review team, so I get a peek at what some of the other teams have done, which has mostly be reassuring!

My sister, cousins and a lot of children I know participated and had fun. My sister in particular enjoy spending time with me “doing cool things.” I think I need to spend more quality time with her.

My aunt’s wedding was hectic but fun, and I had an overnight guest that weekend. There was a lot of scrambling as I finished up GISHWHES. Luck would have is that my main client took off this week, so I’ve been working on catching up with blogging.

However, I’ve also caught some sort of a virus, which resulted in a cold. It’s not unusual because stress makes my immune system tank. I caught it early enough to take some supplements, so it’s not as bad as it would be otherwise.

It hasn’t stopped me from enjoying what was turned out to be a silly and alcohol-induced game night with friends, and I’ve got the bruises and stomachache to prove it. In true Cole fashion, I tried to walk it off for five miles exactly, and now my knee is throbbing and not entirely happy with me.

I’ll spend the rest of the night relaxing with my kitties and playing video games, in which I’ve been making quite the progress during my week off! It’s already 5 in the morning. I don’t know where the time went!


Jun 22

Oh What Heights We’ll Hit

After a very long sleep following an exhausting weekend, I can finally breathe. This weekend started with the city’s annual Summer Kickoff, where I took my sister to play games, jump in bounce houses, see a firetruck and eat deep-fried junk food. We met up with our cousins, and it was a good time.

I left from there to see Jurassic World, which was a great movie. I think I’ll review it soon on Reviews by Cole. It’s funny — I didn’t realize I wanted to see it until after after else already had and was raving about it.

I came home with enough time to pack to leave for Minneapolis early Saturday morning. We stopped on the way for breakfast and then to visit Crystal Cave, a sight I don’t remember visiting before but have heard stories about from mom. It was cool, literally and figuratively. Although it’s warm enough outside that only four bats currently call the cave home, we were able to see two of them, including a fuzzy lilakewood cemetery sculpturettle thing right next to us on the other side of the glass. I stopped by the gift shop to pick up some things, including a gift for my sister and some small trinkets to hide.

We arrived in Minneapolis, grabbed a quick lunch and then headed out to the U of M, where we intended to see the replica of the sitting room in 221b, Sherlock Holmes’ apartment. Alas, the information online wasn’t quite updated, so we wound up at the wrong library because it’s such a large campus. When we found the correct one, it was closed for the day. So we got to wander around a large, beautiful and fragrant campus. I would have spent more time there, but my comrades weren’t down.

Instead, we headed to the next stop on the trip: Lakewood Cemetery. This cemetery makes many of the things-to-do-in-the-cities lists, and I had heard it was large, park-like and had a chapel with some great stained glass. When we got there, we were wary about being there, but we wandered around. There was a water feature, the older chapel, newer reception buildings and the most welcoming atmosphere of any cemetery let alone park I’d ever visited.

Wendy and I wandered over buildings set into the grassy hillside and saw some great monuments and headstones. During this, park security approached us to give us a pamphlet and map! We expected to be in trouble, but it was the opposite. And the information contained in there was interesting and helpful. We discovered a lake in the cemetery that was as big as our big cemetery back home, and drove around it. There were cranes, peacocks and robins chirping away, and some beautiful stained glass monuments. Unfortunately, the chapel was closed for a private function — a wedding! — by the time we got there, but with so much space to explore, I will definitely be going back!

We returned back to Wendy’s and enjoyed some frozen yogurt at her local mall and stopped in at a few shops to see what they had. Everyone bought awesome things from Hot Topic, including my new Day of the Dead damask shower curtain. Woot!

Yesterday, the only thing on our plan was the Mall of America. Robyn wanted to see the Star Trek exhibit. We snacked on crepes from a shop at the mall before I broke off from them. In the 2 or so hours they spend doing that and walking through the Nickelodeon theme park, I shopped the entire second and third floors. I got the only thing on my list — stylish black shorts — and some snacks in addition to splurging on some Mac nail polish for myself.

The drive home was relatively unexciting — though some sort of wreck did mean we got home a little later. I’ve just been trying to cool off because the heat, humidity and activity have got me beat! I’m headed back for Convergence in two weeks, though!


Jun 14

Busy

I feel so busy lately. Not in the I-have-to-work-13-hour-days way because I actually have a slow two weeks due to my main client taking some time off himself. No, I am busy in the my-social-calendar-is-full-and-I-have-no-time-to-just-veg-out with a side of social-interactions-drain-me-because-I’m-an-extrovert. I’m sure that scales terribly if you’re reading on a mobile device. ;)

So I am fortunate, no doubt, to have the time and money to do things with friends and family and to have a fairly long list of people who seem to want to spend that time with me. Don’t get me wrong about that.

It just all seems to exhausting.

This last week has been full of  ice cream (twice), walks (many times), shopping, going out for drinks, video games and more meals eaten out than is probably healthy.

There has been little time to just stop for myself to watch TV, read a book or play video games in the mindless way that is sometimes necessary to relax entirely.

I’ve had good food, laughs, inside jokes, marbles found and re-hid again, video games played, much exercise (with new shoes!) and a generally good time all together, but it leaves little time to relax by myself let alone to sleep.

So I declined a day trip tomorrow because not only will my schedule not work with it, but I just want to spend some time by and with myself. Especially while it’s been so generally warm and humid, and my apartment doesn’t have good air circulation.

When trying to describe how busy I feel to others, they don’t get it because I’m not talking about work. I’m not talking about things that are necessary, I suppose. They’re social. They’re fun, sure. And I don’t have to say “Yes,” but I do feel as though I should do as much as I can while I can. Because who knows when that will change?

In the mean time, the 4th of July is quickly approaching, which means a trip back to Minneapolis, Orange is the New Black has been released and I’ve yet to get a tattoo. I better get busy!


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