The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Last Night

Last night was among one of the crazier things I’ve done in my life and, to be honest, it wasn’t that crazy for a lot of people. It was for me, though.

I was a little sad, somewhat annoyed, exhausted and a whole lot of angry. So I did the adult thing, downed an entire bottle of alcohol and posted all my angry, man-hating thoughts for the world to see on Facebook/Twitter.

This is not an apology.

I mean, it was annoying, I can give you that. But I am not sorry. I needed a night to not care. I needed some time to refrain from being the responsible adult. I needed to express anger and I needed to let myself feel sadness and I needed to let it all out — which I pretty much never do.

Luckily, I did so in a pretty entertaining way and no one seems upset with me. In fact, the general consensus is pretty much that I would be a hoot to drink with when, you know, I wasn’t full of angry hate. I think anyone who knows me even moderately understands that I am not that person. I have tried so very hard to be responsible, mindful, positive and strong in the past couple years. I’ve made great strides but sometimes I needed a reminder that I don’t have to be those things all the time.

Last night, I found support from some awesome people, who I would expect to be there, and some awesome people who surprised me by being there. They all surprised me by telling me it was okay for me to feel and act the way I felt and acted because they understood.

I also knew that I would sleep on it and feel better in the morning. Which I did, more or less. Some of the things that set me off didn’t matter in the morning light and some of them are going to make me feel a little blue for a while but none of them are the end of the world or even any worse than anything I’ve had to handle before. And I guess that makes me feel pretty good. Maybe I just needed to check out for a little bit but I’m awesome enough to know how far out I can go and able to reel it back in when I need to.

What happened last night won’t be a regular occurrence, thankfully, but last night needed to happen.

Turn the Page

Apparently, Dez wants to read 25 books this year or did last year or whatever. I am such a horrible friend. I don’t pay enough attention. Anyway, when I saw this announcement I thought “That doesn’t seem like a lot of books” even though it’s slightly more than two per month and almost double what I read last year. I can count all the books I read, more or less, off the top of my head.

I’ve technically read 1.5 books this year so I’m on a roll. I’m finishing one that I started last month and I’ve got two more on my plate so I’m doing pretty well. Inevitably, I’ll slow down at some point as my life is taken over by MMOs or blogging but I hope to be slightly more consistent this year than last.

Hello Twenty Twelve

2011 went out with a fizzle, not a bang, and so 2012 doesn’t quite feel like it’s here. Nothing really marked the end of my year in a noticeable way so it’s hard to believe this could be the year that the world ends — ha!

I do like to have something to get me in the mindset of the new year. Perhaps I just need to make a more dedicated effort next year to end my year with loved ones and maybe even a New Year’s kiss. ;)

Part of me is sad to see 2011 end because it was the best year of my life and a small part of me is worried that 2012 will not live up to it, especially considering how much I’ve been battling my anxiety lately.

Still, I bet this year will be pretty rawrsome either way.

The Center of the Tornado

Things have been happening.. around me, not to me, just around me.

I enjoyed a drama-free Christmas. It wasn’t quite like when I was younger but it was nice. No fighting, no big problems. I was pleasantly surprised. We exchanged presents and enjoyed food and played games. I stayed at my uncle’s well after everyone else had left, chatting with him and his wife. There was some definite low-key awesomesauce going on.

On Christmas Eve, my sister’s grandmother was admitted to the hospital. This isn’t out of the normal as her health has been failing because of her diabetes for some time. She’s in and out of the hospital all of the time. Things weren’t looking good but I didn’t think it was any worse. Last night, my sister called me in tears about how sick her grandma was and Mom said her husband had gone to the hospital. Samantha quickly cheered up, as kids do, and I hung up.

I texted Mom a little bit later to ask her something unrelated. Her reply said her mother in law seemed to be doing better but, apparently, she died a short time later. I woke up to several texts from Samantha about her grandma dying but, by the time I woke up, they were already at the hospital with my mom who underwent a hysterectomy today. That went well, as we had reassured her and she’s spending the night.

I went up to the hospital today to see Mom and Samantha and Mom was incredibly funny because of her drugs. She was enjoying her alone time and being able to sleep, however. I took some time to talk to Samantha who seems to be doing incredibly well with this all. I don’t know how.

So, as you can see, I’m surrounded by activity that doesn’t directly affect me. I’m just trying my best to be there for everyone right now and hopefully I’m not failing.

Look pretty, smile!

As I was showering and planning Christmas photos for tomorrow it struck me that I may as close as it gets to the family photographer. It’s not that I’m necessarily any good (hell, I don’t even have a dedicated camera that I use) and I have friends who are much, much better but.. I am less bad than the rest of my family. I don’t take pictures where people are mid-sentence or mid-bite or doing something potentially embarrassing. Because I like to look good in photos, I assume other people do, too and, when I take a picture, I try to take one that is, at the very least, clear and well framed it not artistic.

It has always amazed me how absolutely God-awful my family is as taking pictures. They really have no sense of photos and that, I think, is part of the reason I shy away from photos. We don’t always look amazing but a bad photo just makes us look so much worse and I delete all my bad photos immediately from my phone/camera.

So, tomorrow I am hoping to take a few decent pictures and email them to the folks in the family so we can look a little less dysfunctional. I may not even be in them because, hey, I’ll be behind the camera.

Why?

I don’t know why but I constantly forget how significant certain things are when it comes to my mood. Being well rested, fed and clean among them. In hindsight, those are pretty significant things on that pyramid of survival — you know the one I mean, even if I forget the name — and I’m sure everyone agrees about food and sleep, even if I’m more of a clean freak than others. Still, I will let myself be hungry for hours or prolong my shower, even though dealing with those things right now will make me feel a million times better even if nothing else about my day changes.

And it’s ridiculous because every time I finally do eat or sleep or shower or decide to pop some medicine to kill that headache, I’m like “oh my god! I feel so good. Why did I wait to do that? What is wrong with me?” My productivity shoots through the roof, my mood elevates and everything is all fine and dandy until the next time I feel hunger or the next morning when I put off my shower.

I am weird, man.

 

There is no rule that says you have to be be nice on the Internet

I wish I could say that I’m not afraid to be the dissenting voice but it’s not entirely true. I will speak up when I feel I should but I fear.. retribution. This is largely due to the fact that my ex-husband avoided conflict in any form, even when avoidance was actually more of a problem than whatever the conflict would be but it’s also due to certain online communities refusing to ever mutter a discouraging word. Coincidentally, I was the voice of dissent on someone else’s blog today and she deleted the post and comment. I have strong feelings about avoiding criticism and conflict and I shall list them here because a list is the only way this post won’t be ridiculously confusing.

•  There is no rule that says you have to be nice on the Internet. While this means you can get away with being a douchebag, it also means that people are going to occasionally treat you like crap. We’ve all experienced it and, no, it’s not fun but that’s the reality of it.
• But just because you can be a dick without getting your ass pounded or are anonymous on the Internet doesn’t mean you have to be. You can still be a decent person when it calls for.
• People won’t always heed the previous so you should surround yourself with people who are supportive.
• But you should avoid only communicating with those who put a positive spin on everything because honestly is necessary. It may be uncomfortable but dissent and criticism promote growth, whether it’s improving upon a product after a less than thrilled review, becoming a bigger person, redesigning a website, learning to communicate better with your partner or working to better your customer service. Without conflict, no matter the degree, we’d all be stuck in the same place forever.
• And avoiding conflict may put off that momentary discomfort but will make you miserable all the time. It will also ruin your relationships. Fact. Marriages where the couple fall into the pursuer-withdrawer roles usually end within 5 years. Mine did. Ha!
• No one wants to be the voice of dissent, either. Even when I know I’m right, I’m worried about what people will say, if I’ll get attacked because I don’t agree or if someone might delete my comments. We’re all people, here and I’m pretty sure we’re strong enough to get through this.
• With that said, sometimes you have to speak up even when no one else is. It can be difficult to be the first person to voice your concerns but it shows strength of character. Honesty is a valuable trait. Perhaps I’m honest to the fault when I play the Devil’s advocate but no one would ever fault me for being a liar.
• But you can be honest without being a dick. Use tact.
• When you experience conflict or criticism, there’s no need to throw in the towel. In fact, feel free to argue, reasonably, if you believe yourself to be in the right. But one bit of adversity is not enough to shut down a website, end a relationship, or even delete a post or comment. Accept conflict because it shows strength of character.
• Respond like an adult and learn to recognize when you cannot so that you can step back from the fray, temporarily, to regroup. Rather than avoiding conflict, allow yourself to calm down and reflect upon whether there is any truth to what is being said. Return to the conversation after and then respond, if it benefits you to do so.