Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Mar 07

It’s Raining Babies

I am brimming with thoughts inspired by being in a different environment, surrounded by different people — some of whom I’ve met a time or two and some of whom were strangers.

This has reaffirmed my view and boosted my satisfaction, in some ways, about my life. Being surrounded by people who discuss nothing more than their children, their husbands and family drama is, well, tedious. It gives me pause. Do these people have anything more in their lives? Especially when it comes to women. Is there some greater meaning? Is a baby shower an escape to them while it’s tedious for me?

This isn’t to say that I had no fun. I did have fun. I ate. I laughed. I played games. I was able to celebrate with friends. I was also shocked at just how small the first was when my best friend’s mother-in-law walked in with her husband and when I realized that another guest at the party was the awkward sister of my uncle’s ex-girlfriend. I didn’t say anything, but it was interesting nonetheless.

To add to the feeling, I overheard people discussing someone who has now become a pretty good friend and her ex-husband. Again, just a small world. It makes me feel a sense of relief when I think of people

The baby shower also reassured me that the types of games played at baby shows are, well, super lame. And they don’t become any more fun the more you play them. As far as parties go, baby showers are the worse! If I were pregnant, I wouldn’t want a party reminding me that I can’t drink. Realistically, any baby shower I would have would have to be strange. No typical games. I’m not sure what I would play, but they would be ridiculous and weird, just like me!

Finally, I’m incredibly grateful not to have or to be expecting children. It might be selfish, but I am so glad to have my time to myself. I can do whatever I want at the spur of the moment. I have expendable cash. My personality isn’t flat because I have no time or energy to have one. I know that parenthood brings people joy. It might even bring me joy, but from my standpoint, it just looks more like a curse than a blessing.

Anyway, today’s wonderfully-warm weather — over 40 degrees and sunny! — and clean air in my lungs led to a boost in energy, which I used to deep clean most of my apartment as soon as I got home. I am finally sitting down to relax with a chick flick, and I shall end this here!

P.S. What’s up with Wisconsinites calling sloppy joes BBQ?

 


Mar 03

A Balancing Act

I can’t recall the last time I posted in this blog, which doesn’t bode well for the success of the blog. I want to say that it’s not because I’ve been busy, but that’s not entirely true. There have been thoughts and feelings and goings-on that I don’t think belong in a space where you, stranger, can read them.

This is consistent with a gradual shift toward more offline communication and fewer and more trivial interactions within the online realm, even with friends I was once incredibly close to. It’s sad, but it makes sense.

As I look forward, there are a few things I’d like to do, and most of them have something to do with finding balance. for example, I want to read more, but I want to find the happy medium between novels and short story collections, fiction and non-fiction, so on and so forth. I think I’ve been doing a lot of light reading, which certainly isn’t terrible, but I should do some more novel reading, too.

The same balance needs to exist between socializing and taking down time. I find that I am socializing maybe more than is comfortable, so I thirst down recharging time. But when I have that time, I often wind up contacting others instead of really vegging out, which I think I need to do for my own sanity.

This leads to me wasting a lot of time with Facebook games and such, which I need to pare down. If I did, I’d definitely have enough time to do more reading and to both relax completely without trying to distract myself from other thoughts.

One thing I am struggling with is how I feel so completely done with being single. In the past, being single hasn’t been such an issue, but it’s been a while and I’m struggling with the desire to be with someone and my general loathing of most people. It kinda makes meeting new people difficult, heh. I’ve been considering online dating again, but it just isn’t the best fit for me.

Perhaps most importantly, I need to find the balance between having goals and wanting to improve myself but not being so hard on myself that it stalls progress.


Jan 10

In the Key of Big G

Goliath is a sleeping beauty, stretched out along my arm and contoured against my body. He keeps me warm with his soft fur. If I listen closely, I can hear him purr, a small purr for a cat his size. I’m more likely to hear his breathing than to hear him purr.

Sometimes we’ll stay like this all night, with me waking periodically to the warmth of him against me. Other nights, he can’t seem to get comfortable. So he’ll toss and turn and eventually leave, perhaps to come back a time or two to repeat the process.

There will be night when we don’t quite fit right, and his tail or paws will cover my face, and I’ll struggle to breathe. Sometimes our slumber will be broken by his brother, who unknowingly — or perhaps knowingly — walks over Goliath as he tucked under the covers.

Goliath is a sweetheart, who lets me pet him when he just wants to sleep. He tilts his head just right so I can scratch his chin or touch his ears.

He is, in almost every way, my sweet baby boy, momma’s cuddle bug.


Dec 23

Festivus? How fortuitous!

I’m not quite sure how appropriate it would be to say “Happy Festivus.” After all, this annual holiday allows us to air our grievances rather than to celebrate loved ones or gives thanks — both of which I could be better at doing right now and throughout the past year.

In fact, I figured I would take the time not to complain but rather to be thoughtful over the ways that I could improve over the next year and throughout the rest of my life. My intent isn’t to be negative but to take responsibility because I think I’ve been blaming my emotions too much on other people and circumstances, and that leads to no happiness for anyone.

Over this year, I tried to take on too many of my friends’ problems. In the process, I became anxious and unhappy. I wouldn’t set aside time for myself in a meaningful way, and this would make me resentful for my friends who would seek out my assistance more than I could give it. The best version of Cole would be able to set boundaries so resentment doesn’t set in, and she would also remain grateful for those who do seek her help. It’s flattering to know that people trust me with their personal issues and feelings and that they seek my counsel as someone who will won’t judge them. That people think little ol’ me is smart enough to give safe advice is quite the compliment!

More recently, I’ve allowed others’ words to fester. I’ve imagined insults and competition, snark and other general negativity where it probably didn’t exist. Many of these things were intended as a joke, with a light intention or simply offhand. I read too much into these things, and held onto the negative thoughts they caused in my own mind. Going forward, I should remember that people, especially those who love me, don’t mean harm. And that if I am experiencing troubled thoughts, there are appropriate ways to communicate those feelings.

Resentment has often built this year over the belief that I am somehow better than people. However, the only thing that truly makes me better is by thinking and acting in a way that I can respect and in a way that would hopefully encourage others to do the same. Being kind to others seems to be one of my main priorities. To treat people with respect and not to let my shortcomings color our interactions. To believe the best in people because wouldn’t I want them to do the same?

In 2014, I have been mindful about reaching out to others. I should continue to do this, so that they may provide support if they want, and so I won’t have to shoulder the entire load myself. My feelings are intense and my thoughts are acute, but I don’t have to do that alone. Perhaps I could re-build connections with some of my family members, who I haven’t been particularly close to in years.

It’s not just my interactions with others, however. I think I will have to reconsider some goals for the next year. Whether that is to make Reviews by Cole my full-time job (unlikely), to pursue creative writing in a professional manner (ie getting published), going back to school, attending conventions for blogging or sexuality or making some short-term investments that will bring me close to home ownership within the next decade. Really, many of these things could be done simultaneously, and my main de-motivator might be fear or a lack of belief in myself. Or perhaps I am simply too complacent.

I think I would also like to add a physical activity that has a social aspect. Perhaps something like yoga. I’m not into sports per se, nor do I love spending too much time outside during winter. Although, perhaps I could take up something fun such as disc golfing during the summer time. 2015 might be the year that I finally get some volunteering in or join a book club, which would ensure that I get more reading done, too.

With these thoughts in mind, I will end this post but look forward to the coming year!


Dec 17

I haven’t blogged in over a month

At least, here. I’ve been blogging in all the other places though. Oops.

This last month has been measured in broken heartbeats, if I’m honest.

It’s also been measured in doors opened to the UPS and FedEx men. The shopping. I’m having such a good financial month, after the annual frustration with the state. I’ve spent a bit of money, purchased some awesome gifts, and yet I have a bit of money left. I am considering a tattoo. A sugar-skull inspired motif on my left thigh. What do you think?

These last few days have consisted of me binging on TED talks about psychology, sex and technology, among other things. This was inspired, in part, by starting and finishing Best Sex Writing 2012 in a course of hours. I forgot how much I like to be educated!

Goliath and his box under the tree

Goliath and his box under the tree

Much of my time has been spent with my sister, who likes to escape her home and invade mine. Her latest thing is asking for homework help that could easily be done over the phone just so she can come over and play video games. She did “help” me put up my Christmas tree, though. It’s blue and silver this year. I didn’t think about how dark blue lights are in comparison to white ones, however. It’s nearly impossible to take a decenter picture!

I’ll end this with a rant. About “Merry Christmas.” And how a million of my Facebook friends — just kidding, I don’t have that many — have posted about how that’s the correct thing to say. And how it’s stupid to be offended by saying it. And they’ll say it regardless.

Yes, I will smile and say “You, too” to anyone who takes the time to wish me a Merry this or a Happy that, even if I’ve never heard of it. Have a good freakin’ Festivus, y’all. But, seriously. There’s a perfectly easy-to-understand reason why Merry Christmas might offend some people.

And it’s not because you celebrate it. It’s because you celebrate it and you assume everyone else also celebrates it. But they don’t. Some of them celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Yule or something else altogether. Some people celebrate no winter holidays, believe it or not.

Despite the fact that so many people proclaim the separation of church and state, the United States is a Christian nation. Winter break includes Christmas but not typically any of the days of Hanukkah, let alone all eight of them. Easter is another holiday that closes down the government and schools. People who are not Christian understand the significance of these holidays. You probably know little about Hanukkah or any other Jewish holiday.

Your normal isn’t everyone else’s default. It’s dangerous and limiting to think that. It’s wonderful to learn what you don’t know — and then to make that something you do know, however.

If you celebrate Christmas, then I hope it’s a good one. If you don’t, I hope other people do not offend you. Either way, I hope you’re not a dick.