The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Yet

And I Know Someday That It’ll All Turn Out
You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Snow?!

I’m in San Antonio now, staying with a friend, and relieved to be away from the stress and drama of home. I enjoyed some warmer weather the first day or so but today is a bit cooler and we’ve even seen some flakes. Of course, it’s nothing I can’t handle and I took a nice walk today, the first long and leisurely walk I’ve had in some time. I definitely feel better and not just because of the walk.

I was sad to leave friends and family, especially because I was no able to see (or see enough) some folks, but circumstances just were not enabling me to be the healthier person I want to be. Samantha is clingy enough as is but, as it turns out, I just could not handle that in my current state.

Plus, the fact that mom has someone living in her house and I had no idea, made things a little awkward. She has a lot of space but not a lot of furniture so I had to borrow an air mattress. I’m glad I was able to but it definitely was not the most comfortable of situations and people constantly made me feel like I was demanding unreasonable things and perhaps I was, given that I just decided to drop in, but I do not believe it is so unreasonable to prefer sleeping in a bed.

Mom has additional drama going on in her life, like everyone else I talked to. There was always gossip to be had and Wausau just seemed like a bubble keeping in the drama and crises and keeping out well adjusted-ness. It was frustrating from the start and it is easy to see where I developed some of my bad habits and it is good motivation to stop those habits and learn new ones (like being on time). I definitely am more appreciative of some of the differences I have experienced from Ryan and other people I’ve met since leaving home.

Home is a funny word. I do not think it is appropriate to call Wausau home anymore. San Antonio is not necessarily home either but I do appreciate all it has to offer a bit more (I guess I became accustomed to living in a bigger city, gasp!). For several years, home has been wherever Ryan is and facing the idea of life without him is a bit scary, especially now that I realize I do not necessarily want to return to the place I left almost 4 years ago. I suppose it’s all an opportunity. That’s the silver lining, right?However, my trip was not all a waste. I spent much time with Samantha and Wendy and was even able to see Ashley while she is in transit to their next duty station. I had a blast with my aunt and cousin, enjoyed some local food, and got to see the seasons changing which is something San Antonio definitely lacks. The wrap things up, Wendy and I drove to Appleton on my last full day to visit the history Museum (which has a Houdini feature), an occult-y store and the mall. We ate in a cute little pub which is supposedly haunted and enjoyed wandering around downtown. The day ended on a good note as we pulled into town with the Numa Numa song playing in the background. You can’t ask for much more than that.

I’ve taken some time to relax and unwind which was definitely needed after my trip, even though it was shorter than I had planned and now I am just taking one day at a time.

Surprise!

Is what Wendy and I said as I walked into mom’s house to on my sister’s birthday. They had no idea I was coming. Samantha cried. and Wisconsin is cold!

I Do

A decade (or even shorter) ago, I didn’t put much faith in marriage. I couldn’t blame me. At that time, all of my family members who had ever been married had also been divorced, often several times each. I didn’t have anyone to look up to. I had no example that marriage can really work. And, as a teen, I was rebellious enough to not understand what a piece of paper meant. I’d been in love a few times by the time I decided you didn’t need to get married. It didn’t mean anything more than if you were seriously committed to dating. I certainly never saw myself marrying.

And then I met a boy. I fell in love with that boy and, for the first time in my life, experienced happiness the way princesses do in fairy tales. Despite the fact that my every experience screamed that true love doesn’t exist and it’s useless being romantic, I found myself becoming romantic and believing in true love. When that boy proposed, I said yes, like I knew I would. I had known for some time because the idea that I wanted to spend my life with that boy had snuck up on me and planted itself firmly. I had hope.

As I re-evaluate my marriage, and face the idea that I may not be married “until death do us part” (even though, those words were not in our vows), it’s hard to hold on to that hope. Divorce is, if not entirely a start over, at least dramatically life altering. My husband and I share a home, possessions and pets. We share insurance and cell phone plans. While all those things are material and I can ultimately rebuild, they only signify the fact that we share a life together. All the material things serve to represent the emotional things we have come to share: love, trust, confidences, strengths, weaknesses and deepest, darkest secrets. Not to mention the sheer amount of time we have dedicated to one another.

The fall seems so much further, now. Being married has changed my perception about marriage. It’s not just a piece of paper and divorce is not just breaking up. In fact, I’m not sure if I can think of anything more appalling at this moment than the idea of divorce. If the idea of divorce is appalling, the idea of no longer being married to my husband is heart stopping. Perhaps the reason marriage has transformed in my mind, is simple because I do love him so much that, while I may not always remember it, I cannot imagine not spending every day of the rest of my life married to him.

Perhaps if I had remembered that all along, we would not be where we are now and I could simply be celebrating marriage and love and commitment. Instead, I am contemplating my life without those things and nothing could be more difficult.

Protected: Perspective

The truth is, I have a lot to say but haven’t said all of it in one place. I need to but I don’t like writing passworded posts and my blog is too easily accessible by the whole damned world for something of a sensitive nature like this. Not that I mind, most of the time. After all, this site exists for people to see it.

More than a week ago, I was planning for Christmas. Shopping. Decorating. Everything seemed normal.

A week ago, an explosive fight consumed us, fueled by the tensions brought on by the holidays and the required visit with his family. It raged on and we both said and did things that were hurtful, completely unproductive. He said he wanted a divorce and left for his mother’s. I seethed over his apparent lack of care and respect and raged internally because how-dare-he does that to me on Christmas. Christmas! And when I was being the bigger person, the better person in our fight. I waited for his return, like always.

He returned later, to pick up clothes and such. He was going to stay with his parents. He needed a break “for a few days.” I was still angry. How could he still be going on with this? Our argument wasn’t that big. He still wasn’t listening.

A couple days later, he returned to talk. He broke the silence by telling me he wanted to reenlist (which he has) and he wanted a divorce. And for the first time in many years, I listened because, as soon as I saw how upset he was, it didn’t matter that I was angry. It didn’t matter that I had felt self righteous. It didn’t matter that he “ruined” my Christmas. It didn’t matter what started the argument.

What mattered is that I was seeing the person I care about most utterly upset. Entirely confused. Completely hurt. And I was the reason. And as much as he wanted to push me away, I wanted to pull him to me so that I could make it better. But he wouldn’t let me and then I knew. This was different and I needed to validate his feelings. I needed to let him have his space and if there was any way of this working out, I needed to figure it out and fast.

He left, in pain. I stayed, heartbroken for sure. Ashamed. Determined. I guess this is where it first seeped in: perspective. He wasn’t coming home. Things wouldn’t just work themselves out. To be honest, had they ever before? Not really. There’s a reason I expect our fight to be like every other one. And there was a reason it wasn’t working for us.

He told me there wasn’t anything to do to change his mind. I disagreed and I set down for some soul searching and more than my fair share of sobbing, too. I reached out to my friends, to my best friend and the support I had was amazing. Amazing. And when Ashley and her husband offered to let me live with them after they move, I was floored. I cried because this second dose of perspective was unexpected. Here I had been taking my friends for granted this whole time and they were still willing to lend me such an enormous hand. What’s more, I realized the same could be said for Ryan. I had been taking him for granted for years, yet he stayed. He put up with it. He loved me anyway and he did for me much more than I had deserved. It was no wonder he had left.

+1 perspective

And I pondered more on the idea, unable to sleep and sick and as I lay in bed I had a thought I never knew was even lurking in the back of my mind. I thought “What if I never have his children?” Cue more bawling. All of a sudden, I realized that maybe it wasn’t children I didn’t want. Maybe I just didn’t want to be anything other than selfish. And maybe I was only clinging to selfishness because I was afraid if no one else looked after me, if no one else placed value on me, that I would be worthless and forgotten. But the truth of the matter is, I have somebody to care about and value me and he has been doing this. I just didn’t see it.

+1 perspective

And then I thought that maybe it’s okay to not be selfish. Maybe I won’t lose any part of myself and the more I thought about it, the more I knew it would be okay. The more I didn’t want to be selfish. The more I wanted to take responsibility and I decided I would. Not a New Year’s resolution but an immediate change. The more I realized, I had thought I knew everything but I didn’t even see how I was so afraid, that I wasn’t even allowing myself to think what I truly think. I knew there were so many more ways to look at things, to think about things, to feel things and I had only been letting myself experience things negatively. Perhaps, because it’s all I’ve known for so long.

+3098403280 perspective

And so I became excited because I knew that the bad habits that had been making me miserable, making Ryan miserable and threatening my marriage didn’t have to be forever. I didn’t have to take anyone or anything for granted. I didn’t have to be lazy, negative or uptight. I didn’t need to control everything. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I was so excited about having a goal and taking responsibility I bolted out of bed and began planning the brand new Cole with Dez. I wrote an apology thread on Lavish for being a bitch, I changed my username to better suit the person I wanted to be. I just wanted to be Cole. Nothing more, nothing less. And, for once, I was happy with that.

I was so energetic and excited about my new prospects. Everything looked better, even though it was just my perspective that had changed. Really, everything was still pretty shitty. I wanted to tell Ryan and I did.. but I don’t know if I really expressed myself as well as I wanted to. It was easy to think it. It was easy to type it to Dez. It was awkward and uncomfortable to say it to Ryan. I wanted to come off as genuine and not insane. I knew that there was nothing I could say to convince him to work on us. I knew, as I know now, it’s about what I do and I know that’s why things haven’t really improved.

He believed me. It gave him pause. I can’t ask for much more than that. We’re on speaking terms. We haven’t screamed for a week. I haven’t said anything reactionary. We haven’t said anything just to be hurtful or spiteful. It’s still unsure.I’m not stupid; I know there’s a long way to go and he’d much rather get divorced. It’s certainly easier. I’m not sure I blame him. He’s not ready to come back; although, I want him to. I understand his reservations and have some myself. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to hurt him again.

It’s awkward for me being here, alone but I’m trying to make the best of it. My excitement has waned some since that first day, when I realized there’s something more out there. When I have what one could call an epiphany. I find myself having this inner dialogue sometimes, when I realize I’ve slipped into a negative train of thought, when I know that what’s on my mind doesn’t help. And it’s a bit appalling to realize that, to know what my normal used to be. I was okay with that, not because I was happy, but because I was comfortable being negative. I’m not quite as energetic because I’ve realized this will take a lot of effort but I am still determined.

When I’m not analyzing what I’m doing now, I’m thinking about what I have been doing for the past years that we have been together. Questioning most of it, wondering if it helped my relationship. And I’m seeing a lot of things that were counter-productive and detrimental that I never realized. Every day, the list of mistakes grows a little longer. I was too busy thinking about myself to see that thinking about myself was part of the problem. I guess that’s the thing with perspective. When you get a dose of it, you suddenly realize how little you had. I don’t know if I lost it. It’s more likely that I never had as much as I thought I did. Without it, I couldn’t see what was truly going on. I see so much more than I did and, what I did see, I see differently.

I was too busy being complacent to see that I needed to be proactive. Now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I know that whether I get divorced or not, I’ll be okay and when nagging thoughts sneak up, I do my best to banish them away, chanting mentally. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Because while changing is something that will help my marriage, if given the chance, it is also something that will help me. I know it will.

It makes me feel more energetic about life. It makes me want to do more, see more. It makes me angry how I haven’t been giving things, people, even places a chance, how I’ve been content to stay inside and do nothing at all. Maybe I could have liked San Antonio. Maybe I’ll still have a chance. I don’t know. It makes me realize how I’ve been so wound up, trying to control everything and expending so much energy on the things that made me unhappy. I can’t control everything and sometimes that just may be the point. Everything won’t be perfect but it’s no reason to overlook the things that are good. Perhaps that’s the exact reason to be grateful for the things we do have.

I feel so cliche but “they” are right, you know. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And sometimes you don’t know what you have until it springs up, slaps you in the face and says “I’m here!” Either way, I’ve gained a lot of perspective about everything in the past week. Perhaps it seems like too much, so much that it’s not genuine but.. that’s not the case. I’ve gained enough perspective to know I have a lot of people who care about me and who have done their best to show it, even if I was ungrateful. I have enough perspective to know there is no one or nothing to blame but me for being in the position I was in, for being miserable (and not even realizing it) and for overlooking the possibilities and opportunities life gave me. I’ve gained enough perspective to know that I can do something about it. I just hope I’ve gained enough perspective to save my marriage.

In Which Cole Talks About Ryan

Monday, Ryan went in to the dentist and, by the time he left, had an appointment for Tuesday to have his wisdom teeth pulled. Talk about short notice but it was the only open slot if Ryan wanted to have it done before leaving the Air Force. I wasn’t super excited about driving back or waiting while he was in oral surgery but I did and survived the drive with no major mishaps. While waiting, I dived into another book and finished 150 pages. A good chunk, if I do say so myself.

After returning home, Ryan was plenty silly and using his gauze-stuffed mouth to say ridiculous things to make me laugh. He napped during the afternoon and goes back to work on Saturday. He keeps saying things like “There’s just so much room in my mouth now; I feel like I can take on the world.” I don’t understand but be careful, mmkay?

Anyway, I think I had more to say but I guess not. Tune in next time!

Today was bad

That is all.