The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Do you know why I love the 80s?

Cause it was so hopeful. It didn’t matter if you were a single guy. There was a mannequin waiting to come to life for you, just around the corners! Fret not ladies! You, too, can have your very own comic-book character stepping out of the pages. What can possibly go wrong?

Phantom is a Freak

So, if you have cats, they probably like to drink from tubs and sinks and puddles and God-knows-where-else even if the water dish is overflowing. I even have a friend whose cat will only drink straight from the tap so she keeps it dripping all the time.

Thus, I wasn’t surprised when I pulled back the shower curtain to see Phantom come waltzing up. I figured he was there to drink the tub water (eww, anyway). I was toweling myself off in the tub, as I like to do my dripping there and not on the rug when I feeel…

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

On my thigh. Shower and a bath. Thanks!

Suck it, Shakespeare

one upon a time there was a boy
who liked to play with many toys
and all day long he’d hack and code
barely stepping out of his abode

he had a new project every day
no one or nothing could get in his way
one night while he was fast asleep
an idea into his head engrained itself quite deep

the hours passed and the dream did fade
and the geeky boy slept until a bright new day
upon the morn, he woke with a start
an idea formed, embedded in his heart
he jumped from the bed, unawares of the time
reaching for the nearest device as he exclaimed: victory shall be mine!

as if possessed, he worked, wide eyed
this way and that the sparks flied
his hands moved as if afire
as he typed and clicked, built and wired
soon a miraculous form began to take shape
by this time onlookers had gathered, amazed

the boy stepped back and out of the dust, a figure loomed
it beeped and whirred, obscuring the moon
for he’d worked not just one day
this geeky boy had worked his life away
and as a hushed silence fell over the crowd
he turned to them, raised his arms and said aloud
Behold, my friends! See what I have wrought!
A giant, Mountain Dew and Android-powered, Optimus Prime, alien robot!

You’re Probably Cole’s Friend If..

• you know the Konami code
• you have read enough fantasy that you can actually form battle plans in your head to help the hero
• you can name off the entire lyrics to at least 5 songs
• you have been to more than one convention
• you can drink an entire case of Mountain Dew without dying
• you have a 5-star rep on Xbox Live
• you void warranties on your devices before you leave the store/car
• you can name the history of any comic book her or villain
• you have ever written fan fiction
• you can discuss cats–or Cole’s cats–for at least five minutes
• You think Cole is the funniest person in the world ;)

You’re definitely Cole’s friend if you do dorky stuff that makes her smile.

How to Climb Ladders in Lego Video Games

• Get drunk.
• Spend 45 minutes jumping around uselessly at the base of the ladder.
• Throw your controller at the TV.
• Go to the store to purchase a new controller and TV.
• Leave your controller on an open surface while getting a refreshment or visiting the lavatory.
• Return to see that, somehow, your cat (or dog, hamster or child) has successfully climbed the ladder in your absence.
• Curse a lot.
• Fall off ladder.
• Repeat.

Cole’s Guide to Playing Video Games When You Suck

Just some handy tips:

• Play on easy. Always.
• Use a machine gun or, if all else fails, an automatic weapon.
• Play with someone who is better than you.
• Hide out in a corner facing the doorway.
• Pick a character that is balanced all around.
• Or a character that has a shit ton of health.
• Lean with your controller. That and pressing the buttons harder will always help.
• Use AI players as shields.
• Run!!
• Pray.

Ill

I finally fell ill this last weekend. It was later than expected. I thought I might even be out of the water. I was wrong. Since then, I have developed some thoughts on this situation.

Things that suck about being sick:

• Smell medicine that tastes awful
• Blowing a hole straight through the tissues
• Coughing so hard you vomit
• Aching in parts you never knew you had
• Unsatisfying sneezes
• Tickles in yuor throat that you cannot get rid of, no matter what
• Snot bubbles
• Watery eyes

But do not fret, here’s a list of things that rock about being sick:

• The point when you realize that you haven’t blown your nose 100 times today
• Extra kitty lovings
• Not having to leave the house
• Or get dressed
• Puffs
• Satisfying sneezes (the ones that remind you what it’s like to be alive)
• Being able to make fun of the person who got you sick
• Getting better