Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jan 22

Sex and Video Games

For a while, I’ve jokingly talked about an analogy that sex (and masturbation) and video games are pretty similar. As I was thinking about it tonight, I became more convinced of my rightness. Grammar FTW. So I decided to sit down and blog about it because, you know, funnies.

In an effort to make this awesome, I asked a friend for ideas. This is the ensuing conversation?

“What makes video games and sex alike”

“I’m usually just playing with myself?”

So that’s a thing, FYI.

How Sex and Video Games Are Alike 

  • Sometimes you just want to watch someone else play.
  • They’re both better when you make noise.
  • It sometimes takes longer than it should to finish.
  • But, sometimes, you finish and wonder what the hell just happened.
  • You blunder through it your first time and hope you’re doing it right.
  • It’s all about finding the right angle.
  • Your hand can cramp up after a while.
  • You often forget to stop to eat or drink.
  • Sometimes you look ridiculous doing it.
  • The  Internet is fully of videos of it.
  • Sometimes you just know you’re not going  to finish.
  • The world likes to view  both as a man’s world — and double standards run rampant in both cultures.
  • Men are constantly creating fantasies in both, and these fantasies typically revolve around unrealistic portrayals of women.
  • Sometimes you just need to stop and shower.

And the most important reason that sex and videos are alike: they’re both better when I play with you. ;)


Dec 22

My Sister Has a Theory About Santa

aaaand it is a doozy.

Santa by PepOmint

I’ve been pestering her about her belief in Kris Kringle for a while. She’s ten. Its expensive for Mom. We’re all surprised that she still believe in any way, but she is a naive little girl.

My pestering has led to me admitting that I do not believe in Santa and her response about how she’s not sure. I get a response like “half and half” or “I sorta believe.” I want to tip her over to nonbelief of her own accord, so we don’t have to break her heart.

I was attempting again tonight in the car and got a response that I didn’t expect at least.

Sam said that Santa was just “superstition” and that mom wraps presents and “doesn’t hide them very well.” She elaborated that Santa sends mom presents in advance. Santa and Mom meet up. So I asked where.

Sam’s reply? Rib Mountain. I asked if they get coffee to talk it over. She said that they go to Wal-mart where Santa doesn’t give mom presents. No, he orders them. Then, the presents come in and Mom gets them. She hides them (not very well!) and wraps them, placing labels from Santa on the gifts.

This is a very specific story, and it certainly derails from the classic theology of Santa. It takes a lot of justification to find hidden Christmas presents and continue to believe in Santa in any form. That’s how most of us stop believing.

Anyway, I just thought you would all enjoy the story and if I don’t post before then, Merry Christmas!


Nov 26

Ode to UPS

ups hates c,ole

Oh UPS! Wretched UPS!
You are not the best
Not by a little, not by far
You’re barely better than railway car

First you knock
but do you wait?
Who’d have thought
this was a race

It always seems to fail
that our paths should intertwine
Your drivers like to bail
with packages of mine

When you leave a box
It gets even worse
It always winds up “lost”
Could it be a curse?

How many times now
Have I expressed rage
I don’t know how
You keep ruining my day!

So UPS, my mortal enemy
I’d appreciate if you
could deliver things to me
Or else you’ll go kaboom!

Nov 06

How to Get Cole to Clean Your House

in a handful of easy, peasy steps.

Once you read this guide, you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner! It will change your life!*

Step 1

This is the hard part. You have to somehow spark the idea that I want to host a party but that your house is the perfect place to do it. If you can accomplish this one, the rest is downhill from here.

Step 2

Work long hours so that your house isn’t quite up to my expectations when it comes time to clean and decorate.

Step 3

Plan a day for said decoration. Let me into your home. Extra points if I show up without your knowledge. Allow me to view the carnage.

Step 4

I clean your house.

**Results may vary.

Oct 11

I made this thing

So, you see, I won this giveaway a while back. It was for $20 worth of stuff from Tmart. I had a hell of a time picking things out because there are thousands of things, and all the variations of an item are listed separately, and it looks like this is more of a marketplace with many vendors than a single retailer, so on and so forth. I did finally settle on a couple things, not the least of which was this lamp that I really liked.

You see, the thing about Tmart is that prices are cheap because stuff is made in Asia and you have to do all the assembly yourself. Now, if you’re wondering this, “Cole, do you put stuff together? Do you have any idea how to do this?”, then you’re not alone. No, I don’t put stuff together. No, I don’t do things. I’m not very patient with stuff that requires intricate steps, and my long-ish (they’ve since broken) nails make it even more difficult.

So when this “lamp” showed up in a box with every single piece separate, I was cautiously determined to put it together. Also annoyed. Okay, mostly annoyed. I really should have taken a picture of the tiny box that this lamp came in. The box was no more than 2 inches high. How does a lamp fit in there? Pretty easily when every god damned piece is separate.

Thus began the journey of putting together the lamp. Fortunately, the instructions were in good English. Frustratingly, it looks like the company had changed some pieces of used the same instructions for a couple variations because not all of the pieces looked or fit exactly how the instructions suggested.  So I pulled out parts A through Q and started going through the motions, putting pieces together. Inserting screws. Tightening bolts.

It wasn’t all unicorns and daisies. Nope! The very first piece was sort of loose to begin with, and not knowing what the hell I was doing, I just went with it. It wasn’t until I got to the point where I needed to attach the bulb part to the base that I realized this was a problem. I eventually wound up at the point where I was shoving contact pieces into the battery holder, so I could test batteries. I did so, but couldn’t get the tiny bulb screwed in cause of the loose part. Fortunately, I was at a point where I could take out those very first parts to fix it, and fix it I did. As I did this, I actually realized that the instructions were written in an order that made it more difficult to put the lamp together than I thought.

Then this left the “shade,” which was made of a filmy plastic. Thing old camera film. The “shade” was in three pieces, cut so that it makes the geometric shape you see in the photos. Each side of the shape has an extra tab, and you attach these tabs together with double-sided tape. Whoever thought of this is an idiot. I mean, it’s the cheapest and simplest way to do this, but it’s also fucking  difficult. Two hours later, and I was finally done. I had nearly given up once, when it came to inserting tiny screws into holes that didn’t quite line up, but I stuck it out.

The biggest issue you’ll see when you look at this lamp in a well-lit room is that those angles just don’t match up. As Ashe said, it looks crappy. Not because of the job I did, but could I couldn’t do a better job given the materials. I guess that’s what you get for a $10 lamp that you got for free.

However, when you turn off the lights, it looks amazing!**

cosmos projector lamp

Turn off the lights and turn on the stars


**This photo doesn’t do it justice.

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