The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Meow Meow Face

Meow Meow Face is Goliath’s new nickname. Yesterday, I mentioned how soft his fur was and if he conditioned and Wendy told me a story about Goliath’s activity.

You see, Goliath conditions his fur with sherbert that he purchases from the Cat Palace down the road. He steals money from me, sneaks out a tiny hole and walks to the palace. There, he buys his product, puts is in his pack and walks home. He conditions his fur with the cherry-flavored (but cat-scented) dessert in my tub and cleans it, so I won’t notice. He sneaks back out to recycle the tub.

The secret life of Meow Meow Face! Who knew?

5 Things That Are Harder to Do Because of My Cats

Sleeping

Seriously. If it’s not from Goliath meowing randomly and clawing at the door or banging his food dish. Or Phantom pawing the bottom of the dresser, running over my body, climbing the walls and knocking stuff off the dresser. Or maybe he’s waking me up for cuddles. Or maybe they’re chasing each other through the house. They’ve been especially bad lately. If I can get to sleep, I wake up multiple times due to the cats anyway.

Making the bed

Maybe my first point doesn’t even matter since I can’t make Phantom stop chasing the sheets long enough to get them on the bed. Oh, and remember how excited I was to have satin sheets? Maybe a bad idea. They look pretty horrendous now.

Walking

Have you ever taken a step only to step on your cat and then you feel super bad when they meow? Or maybe you’ve moved forward when a cat was trying to jump onto something — directly in your path — and it collided with you bodily? My favorite is when I move my leg forward and it collides — midair! — with a cat.

Dressing

Anything with straps or strings. Anything that flows and moves. Phantom’s on it and his claws are in me. Ow ow ow.

The Internet.

How many pictures have I taken of the laptop on my lap and Goliath all on top? Yea, a lot.

Wordless Wednesday: This is a Pony

I Should Get a Fish

Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.

• Fish eat less than cats.
• They do not chew on plastic.
• They do not make sounds.
• I don’t have to clean out a litter box.
• They don’t walk all over your person.
• Or yawn in your face.
• Or chew/scratch your body.
• Or scratch at carpet.
• Fish take up less room.
• Fish don’t climb doorways.
• Fish don’t bang their food dishes when they’re hungry; they just die.

These are the reasons I should get a fish if you ignore the fact that fish are stupid  pets. Insted, I have these:

 

My Friends Are Effin’ Crazy

This isn’t a post about Jacob.

Or Wendy.

Although it could be.

But no, this is a post about Christie. Wonderful Christie who listens to me vent all the time and always makes me laugh. Christie who said, hey, maybe you should just skip finding a man and have a baby if you’re lonely. Or, better yet, she suggests, go buy yourself some sperm and have a baby and give it to me. Cause I want one.

I told her she’s crazy. Because she is.

Then I dreamt about having babies.

That is not a toy

AKA a list of non-toy-things that the cats effin’ love

• Q-tips
• Chopsticks
• Milk hug rings
• Chapstick
• Batteries
• Bugs
• Feet
• The mattress
• Ties/strings on my shirts

These are just a few of their favorite things!

Poetry Slam by Collin and Cole

C: Lies
C: Pies
C: Meal of fries
C: Happy sighs
C: Sunrise
That’s it? Eyes
C: I have a surprise
C: Is that wise?
C: Let a blog post arise.