The Scrolls

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

My Friends Are Effin’ Crazy

This isn’t a post about Jacob.

Or Wendy.

Although it could be.

But no, this is a post about Christie. Wonderful Christie who listens to me vent all the time and always makes me laugh. Christie who said, hey, maybe you should just skip finding a man and have a baby if you’re lonely. Or, better yet, she suggests, go buy yourself some sperm and have a baby and give it to me. Cause I want one.

I told her she’s crazy. Because she is.

Then I dreamt about having babies.

That is not a toy

AKA a list of non-toy-things that the cats effin’ love

• Q-tips
• Chopsticks
• Milk hug rings
• Chapstick
• Batteries
• Bugs
• Feet
• The mattress
• Ties/strings on my shirts

These are just a few of their favorite things!

Poetry Slam by Collin and Cole

C: Lies
C: Pies
C: Meal of fries
C: Happy sighs
C: Sunrise
That’s it? Eyes
C: I have a surprise
C: Is that wise?
C: Let a blog post arise.

Do you know why I love the 80s?

Cause it was so hopeful. It didn’t matter if you were a single guy. There was a mannequin waiting to come to life for you, just around the corners! Fret not ladies! You, too, can have your very own comic-book character stepping out of the pages. What can possibly go wrong?

Phantom is a Freak

So, if you have cats, they probably like to drink from tubs and sinks and puddles and God-knows-where-else even if the water dish is overflowing. I even have a friend whose cat will only drink straight from the tap so she keeps it dripping all the time.

Thus, I wasn’t surprised when I pulled back the shower curtain to see Phantom come waltzing up. I figured he was there to drink the tub water (eww, anyway). I was toweling myself off in the tub, as I like to do my dripping there and not on the rug when I feeel…

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

On my thigh. Shower and a bath. Thanks!

Suck it, Shakespeare

one upon a time there was a boy
who liked to play with many toys
and all day long he’d hack and code
barely stepping out of his abode

he had a new project every day
no one or nothing could get in his way
one night while he was fast asleep
an idea into his head engrained itself quite deep

the hours passed and the dream did fade
and the geeky boy slept until a bright new day
upon the morn, he woke with a start
an idea formed, embedded in his heart
he jumped from the bed, unawares of the time
reaching for the nearest device as he exclaimed: victory shall be mine!

as if possessed, he worked, wide eyed
this way and that the sparks flied
his hands moved as if afire
as he typed and clicked, built and wired
soon a miraculous form began to take shape
by this time onlookers had gathered, amazed

the boy stepped back and out of the dust, a figure loomed
it beeped and whirred, obscuring the moon
for he’d worked not just one day
this geeky boy had worked his life away
and as a hushed silence fell over the crowd
he turned to them, raised his arms and said aloud
Behold, my friends! See what I have wrought!
A giant, Mountain Dew and Android-powered, Optimus Prime, alien robot!

You’re Probably Cole’s Friend If..

• you know the Konami code
• you have read enough fantasy that you can actually form battle plans in your head to help the hero
• you can name off the entire lyrics to at least 5 songs
• you have been to more than one convention
• you can drink an entire case of Mountain Dew without dying
• you have a 5-star rep on Xbox Live
• you void warranties on your devices before you leave the store/car
• you can name the history of any comic book her or villain
• you have ever written fan fiction
• you can discuss cats–or Cole’s cats–for at least five minutes
• You think Cole is the funniest person in the world ;)

You’re definitely Cole’s friend if you do dorky stuff that makes her smile.