Category Archives: Humour

No words. Mostly LOLs

For a while, I’ve jokingly talked about an analogy that sex (and masturbation) and video games are pretty similar. As I was thinking about it tonight, I became more convinced of my rightness. Grammar FTW. So I decided to sit down and blog about it because, you know, funnies.

In an effort to make this awesome, I asked a friend for ideas. This is the ensuing conversation?

“What makes video games and sex alike”

“I’m usually just playing with myself?”

So that’s a thing, FYI.

How Sex and Video Games Are Alike 

• Sometimes you just want to watch someone else play.
• They’re both better when you make noise.
• It sometimes takes longer than it should to finish.
• But, sometimes, you finish and wonder what the hell just happened.
• You blunder through it your first time and hope you’re doing it right.
• It’s all about finding the right angle.
• Your hand can cramp up after a while.
• You often forget to stop to eat or drink.
• Sometimes you look ridiculous doing it.
• The  Internet is fully of videos of it.
• Sometimes you just know you’re not going  to finish.
• The world likes to view  both as a man’s world — and double standards run rampant in both cultures.
• Men are constantly creating fantasies in both, and these fantasies typically revolve around unrealistic portrayals of women.
• Sometimes you just need to stop and shower.

And the most important reason that sex and videos are alike: they’re both better when I play with you. ;)

aaaand it is a doozy.

I’ve been pestering her about her belief in Kris Kringle for a while. She’s ten. Its expensive for Mom. We’re all surprised that she still believe in any way, but she is a naive little girl.

My pestering has led to me admitting that I do not believe in Santa and her response about how she’s not sure. I get a response like “half and half” or “I sorta believe.” I want to tip her over to nonbelief of her own accord, so we don’t have to break her heart.

I was attempting again tonight in the car and got a response that I didn’t expect at least.

Sam said that Santa was just “superstition” and that mom wraps presents and “doesn’t hide them very well.” She elaborated that Santa sends mom presents in advance. Santa and Mom meet up. So I asked where.

Sam’s reply? Rib Mountain. I asked if they get coffee to talk it over. She said that they go to Wal-mart where Santa doesn’t give mom presents. No, he orders them. Then, the presents come in and Mom gets them. She hides them (not very well!) and wraps them, placing labels from Santa on the gifts.

This is a very specific story, and it certainly derails from the classic theology of Santa. It takes a lot of justification to find hidden Christmas presents and continue to believe in Santa in any form. That’s how most of us stop believing.

Anyway, I just thought you would all enjoy the story and if I don’t post before then, Merry Christmas!

Oh UPS! Wretched UPS!
You are not the best
Not by a little, not by far
You’re barely better than railway car

First you knock
but do you wait?
Who’d have thought
this was a race

It always seems to fail
that our paths should intertwine
Your drivers like to bail
with packages of mine

When you leave a box
It gets even worse
It always winds up “lost”
Could it be a curse?

How many times now
Have I expressed rage
I don’t know how
You keep ruining my day!

So UPS, my mortal enemy
I’d appreciate if you
could deliver things to me
Or else you’ll go kaboom!

in a handful of easy, peasy steps.

Once you read this guide, you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner! It will change your life!*

Step 1

This is the hard part. You have to somehow spark the idea that I want to host a party but that your house is the perfect place to do it. If you can accomplish this one, the rest is downhill from here.

Step 2

Work long hours so that your house isn’t quite up to my expectations when it comes time to clean and decorate.

Step 3

Plan a day for said decoration. Let me into your home. Extra points if I show up without your knowledge. Allow me to view the carnage.

Step 4

I clean your house.

**Results may vary.