The Scrolls » Humour

Mr Cuddlepants

Cole — Wed, 02 May 2012 02:25:19 +0000

Mr. Cuddlepants is my nickname for Phantom. One of many, actually. It is a somewhat patronizing nickname; although, it’s also suitable. You see, Phantom loves to cuddle his mommy and, as his mommy I love that he loves to cuddle. But he has certain requirements. He only cuddles in the bedroom and usually only if I have a specific blanket on the bed. When I say cuddle, what I really mean is that he kneads in proximity to me. See, he was separated from his kitty mommy too early, so he kneads and sucks on blankets like a kitten would. Often, this kneading leads to claw marks on his human mommy, but I try to deal with it because I like being close to him.

While Phantom remains curiously aloof with other people, we have a strong bond. In fact, my roommate has never even heard him purr. If you visit, he’s friendly. He’ll come right up, smell you out and then promptly leave when he’s figured you out. There’s no doubt that he’s a smartypants. There’s a reason why he looks so intelligent and I always describe his cunning and his badassery.

Yes, I’m still talking about a cat.

He is mentally and physically at the top of his game, boys and girls.

But, behind the bedroom door, he is Mr. Cuddlepants, a little boy who loves his mommy and shows it in a very specific way.

Watch This

Cole — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 10:51:04 +0000

LOL

Cole — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:24:57 +0000

I forgot how much I love the Anti Joke website. Seriously.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

The Cat Shirt

Cole — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:49:54 +0000

Around the time that my sister was in the hospital, my grandma started making people T-shirts. I guess she acquired a printer that allowed her to print on fabric so she would give us all t-shirts as presents. Although these specific gifts were a fad, Grandma cross-stitches these days and gives us all table runners and towels and pillowcases like it’s going out of style. Anyway, she gave me The Cat Shirt. The Cat Shirt featured a fuzzy grey kitty surrounded by pink and purple flowers and I fuckin’ loved it. But it was bad. It was like the Tween version of the 3 wolf shirt. And the shirt itself was a white tee, which is almost never flattering, but was too big on me anyway.

But that didn’t stop me for wearing it on a weekly basis for, like, 3 years. It was bad guys. I wore it all the time until when, one day in sixth grade, I was working on a video project with a group of girls. We were doing a skit about bullying and our group of four split up into pairs and I, of course, wound up being one of the uncool kids and.. it was, in part, because of The Cat Shirt.

I stopped wearing The Cat Shirt after that and I forgot all about it, until, the other night, I opened an email from my aunt. In that email was a collage of family photos and there I was, standing next to Grandma, in my cat shirt. I was covering my face in an effort to escape having my picture taken or perhaps having my picture taken in The Cat Shirt. Nevertheless, photographic evidence exists.

I don’t know if I am embarrassed more by the fact that I liked The Cat Shirt as much as I did or because I still would have, had I not realized how uncool it was.

Spam, Spam, Spam

Cole — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:01:17 +0000

I clean out the spam comments on my blog on a pretty regular basis. I find that my plug-ins are damned good at catching them and I rarely even look to see if they’ve caught something I want to keep. Sometimes, though, I look and cannot help but be amused by them. So here are a few recent examples.

Whatever you do, don’t have sex with him. He’s probably trying to make you jealous or use you because he’s hurt.

Great advice! It has nothing to do with this post, though.

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft

Sweet. Who are you?!

GERMAN SCIENTIST PROVES VIRUSES ARE NOT ALIVE:

OKAY I BELIEVE YOU.

Where exactly is the facebook like button ?

Relevant question spam. I am confused. You can like any post on the individual post page, though. I’m not so fond of that plug-in these days. hmm..

Emily Elizabeth Dickinson: “That it will never come again is what makes life sweet.”

Things just got profound.

J’approuve completement.

Merci.

There are also a surprisingly large number of comments about theZune. Do they even make that any more?

I am horrible at relaxing

Cole — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:22:55 +0000

I decided to take a day off. One day per week is all I allot myself when I do decide that it’s okay to take a day off. I was successful, at first. I changed from PJs into roommate-appropriate PJs. I crawled out of bed, onto the sofa. I flipped on the TV. I tried to watch Ratotouille but.. something happened.

I stopped watching TV to do dishes, put my laundry in the washer, clean the floor around the garbage can, tidy and clean the kitchen counters and top of the stove. I almost successfully returned to doing nothing when I sat back down to play some MapleStory but after being disconnected, I hopped in the shower, which then prompted another series of things that looking nothing at all like relaxing: shaving my legs, cleaning the sink (so I can put shower stuff in it to clean the shower), wiping down the toilet, cleaning the shower, switching out the towels, refolding all the towels in my bathroom cabinet and Febreezing the living room furniture.

I swear I’m done now but that’s only because vacuuming is rude at midnight and I’m out of Lysol wipes.

Creepy Tall Guy

Cole — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 10:04:58 +0000

Once I went on a date
with a guy who stood six-eight
the conversation wasn’t that great
so I just stared at my plate

I was ready to admit defeat
but he thought I was pretty neat
and talking to me was a treat

I should have ran away
Don’t know why I chose to stay
especially when I heard him say
Women sure define stalking in a funny way

Though our date was doomed to fail
it has helped me write this tale
of a most disconcerting male..

Creepy Tall Guy

Meow Meow Face

Cole — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 19:52:58 +0000

Meow Meow Face is Goliath’s new nickname. Yesterday, I mentioned how soft his fur was and if he conditioned and Wendy told me a story about Goliath’s activity.

You see, Goliath conditions his fur with sherbert that he purchases from the Cat Palace down the road. He steals money from me, sneaks out a tiny hole and walks to the palace. There, he buys his product, puts is in his pack and walks home. He conditions his fur with the cherry-flavored (but cat-scented) dessert in my tub and cleans it, so I won’t notice. He sneaks back out to recycle the tub.

The secret life of Meow Meow Face! Who knew?

5 Things That Are Harder to Do Because of My Cats

Cole — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:07:39 +0000

Sleeping: Seriously. If it’s not from Goliath meowing randomly and clawing at the door or banging his food dish. Or Phantom pawing the bottom of the dresser, running over my body, climbing the walls and knocking stuff off the dresser. Or maybe he’s waking me up for cuddles. Or maybe they’re chasing each other through the house. They’ve been especially bad lately. If I can get to sleep, I wake up multiple times due to the cats anyway.
Making the bed: Maybe my first point doesn’t even matter since I can’t make Phantom stop chasing the sheets long enough to get them on the bed. Oh, and remember how excited I was to have satin sheets? Maybe a bad idea. They look pretty horrendous now.
Walking: Have you ever taken a step only to step on your cat and then you feel super bad when they meow? Or maybe you’ve moved forward when a cat was trying to jump onto something — directly in your path — and it collided with you bodily? My favorite is when I move my leg forward and it collides — midair! — with a cat.
Dressing: Anything with straps or strings. Anything that flows and moves. Phantom’s on it and his claws are in me. Ow ow ow.
The Internet.: How many pictures have I taken of the laptop on my lap and Goliath all on top? Yea, a lot.

Wordless Wednesday: This is a Pony

Cole — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:48:49 +0000