Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jun 23

a REAL blog

hearing: Christina A
feeling: sore
wanting: Rian
There is only one subject about which I can speak subjectively: my cat. I accredit this to my lost childhood, but we all have our own sob stories so I won’t go into it. I’ll just say that I wish sometimes I could express the emotions I feel about certain things, because no matter if I’m speaking of my boyfriend, my friends, or my favourite band, I always come off quite matter of factly.

It’s difficult to speak with emotion, because I’m afraid of sounding sentimental when I’m striving for sensitive, but here goes.

I miss Rian, a lot. When I say a lot I can guarantee that you have no idea just how much I am pining for this boy. I realize he’s one of the very few people I talked to on a regular basis, and now more than ever I have empty time on my hands and nothing to do.

I’ve been going to sleep early, and waking up early because of this. I’ve watched so many movies, it’s insane and it’s just to fill the time. Right now I really wish I had a job, not just for money but for something to do and for the social aspects as well. I’ve been dreaming about working and these dreams have been emotion-filled. I feel as though I haven’t been trying hard enough, but I’m not sure what else I can do about it. I fill out applications, turn them in, call back in a few days.. and still, nothing. -sigh*

I’ve seen a lot of Ashe lately, which is okay but she can become annoying quickly. I dislike going to her house because she watches clips of rock stars whom I am not entirely interested in, or movies that suck. She also spends a lot of time online or whining about how she can’t talk to Max which isn’t too much fun for me, although we have talked to him on mic and he’s a pretty nice guy.

I really can’t handle it when my friends whine, partly because I don’t know what to say to make it better and partly because I just don’t care. Sometimes I seem so removed from my own life, as though I could just up and leave without ever returning and be fine. That scares me because without these people, I have no one and I know they’d feel betrayed to know this. I’m bad at tense situations, anyway. I am the joker and I often tell jokes at inappropriate moments, but I cannot help it.

I am so incredibly bored, and I cannot stand it. Today Ashe and Wendy came over and we took the dogs for a walk. Walking with the dogs is fun but I really wouldn’t want to walk them by myself because it either means two trips or one very dangerous walk with both dogs. -laughs* The dogs enjoyed it immensely.

I like taking walks a lot, more than everyone I know and I don’t know why. I like the movement and how I can slow down to the pace of my thoughts, or the beat of music. I have insanely strong calf muscles, and they’re one of my favourite things on my body. I bought some new shoes that are pink and beige-ish so while I walk I’ll be trying to keep them clean. They’re very cute and so far breaking them in has been relatively painless, except for some toe cramps today. -lol*

I also went to Ben’s today and that was fun. I didn’t feel as though he was dragging me along which is how I feel with some people. It was rather comfortable and we watched Kill Bill. It was fine overall, but I hadn’t realized how gory it was going to be. I think Tarantino is just a liiittle full of himself, though and would like to see less of that in his future films.

I’ve been seriously thinking about my new domains. I am reluctant to let this name go because I’ve had it for two years and people recognize it, but I think I’ve outgrown it. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I ever really fit it. However, I should not spend too much time second guessing myself because that can only lead to bad things. So, I believe this is where the entry shall end and perhaps I’ll be able to write again soon. It’s much better when I actually write how I feel. It feels much more cathartic.

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