The Scrolls

Protected: Perspective

The truth is, I have a lot to say but haven’t said all of it in one place. I need to but I don’t like writing passworded posts and my blog is too easily accessible by the whole damned world for something of a sensitive nature like this. Not that I mind, most of the time. After all, this site exists for people to see it.

More than a week ago, I was planning for Christmas. Shopping. Decorating. Everything seemed normal.

A week ago, an explosive fight consumed us, fueled by the tensions brought on by the holidays and the required visit with his family. It raged on and we both said and did things that were hurtful, completely unproductive. He said he wanted a divorce and left for his mother’s. I seethed over his apparent lack of care and respect and raged internally because how-dare-he does that to me on Christmas. Christmas! And when I was being the bigger person, the better person in our fight. I waited for his return, like always.

He returned later, to pick up clothes and such. He was going to stay with his parents. He needed a break “for a few days.” I was still angry. How could he still be going on with this? Our argument wasn’t that big. He still wasn’t listening.

A couple days later, he returned to talk. He broke the silence by telling me he wanted to reenlist (which he has) and he wanted a divorce. And for the first time in many years, I listened because, as soon as I saw how upset he was, it didn’t matter that I was angry. It didn’t matter that I had felt self righteous. It didn’t matter that he “ruined” my Christmas. It didn’t matter what started the argument.

What mattered is that I was seeing the person I care about most utterly upset. Entirely confused. Completely hurt. And I was the reason. And as much as he wanted to push me away, I wanted to pull him to me so that I could make it better. But he wouldn’t let me and then I knew. This was different and I needed to validate his feelings. I needed to let him have his space and if there was any way of this working out, I needed to figure it out and fast.

He left, in pain. I stayed, heartbroken for sure. Ashamed. Determined. I guess this is where it first seeped in: perspective. He wasn’t coming home. Things wouldn’t just work themselves out. To be honest, had they ever before? Not really. There’s a reason I expect our fight to be like every other one. And there was a reason it wasn’t working for us.

He told me there wasn’t anything to do to change his mind. I disagreed and I set down for some soul searching and more than my fair share of sobbing, too. I reached out to my friends, to my best friend and the support I had was amazing. Amazing. And when Ashley and her husband offered to let me live with them after they move, I was floored. I cried because this second dose of perspective was unexpected. Here I had been taking my friends for granted this whole time and they were still willing to lend me such an enormous hand. What’s more, I realized the same could be said for Ryan. I had been taking him for granted for years, yet he stayed. He put up with it. He loved me anyway and he did for me much more than I had deserved. It was no wonder he had left.

+1 perspective

And I pondered more on the idea, unable to sleep and sick and as I lay in bed I had a thought I never knew was even lurking in the back of my mind. I thought “What if I never have his children?” Cue more bawling. All of a sudden, I realized that maybe it wasn’t children I didn’t want. Maybe I just didn’t want to be anything other than selfish. And maybe I was only clinging to selfishness because I was afraid if no one else looked after me, if no one else placed value on me, that I would be worthless and forgotten. But the truth of the matter is, I have somebody to care about and value me and he has been doing this. I just didn’t see it.

+1 perspective

And then I thought that maybe it’s okay to not be selfish. Maybe I won’t lose any part of myself and the more I thought about it, the more I knew it would be okay. The more I didn’t want to be selfish. The more I wanted to take responsibility and I decided I would. Not a New Year’s resolution but an immediate change. The more I realized, I had thought I knew everything but I didn’t even see how I was so afraid, that I wasn’t even allowing myself to think what I truly think. I knew there were so many more ways to look at things, to think about things, to feel things and I had only been letting myself experience things negatively. Perhaps, because it’s all I’ve known for so long.

+3098403280 perspective

And so I became excited because I knew that the bad habits that had been making me miserable, making Ryan miserable and threatening my marriage didn’t have to be forever. I didn’t have to take anyone or anything for granted. I didn’t have to be lazy, negative or uptight. I didn’t need to control everything. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I was so excited about having a goal and taking responsibility I bolted out of bed and began planning the brand new Cole with Dez. I wrote an apology thread on Lavish for being a bitch, I changed my username to better suit the person I wanted to be. I just wanted to be Cole. Nothing more, nothing less. And, for once, I was happy with that.

I was so energetic and excited about my new prospects. Everything looked better, even though it was just my perspective that had changed. Really, everything was still pretty shitty. I wanted to tell Ryan and I did.. but I don’t know if I really expressed myself as well as I wanted to. It was easy to think it. It was easy to type it to Dez. It was awkward and uncomfortable to say it to Ryan. I wanted to come off as genuine and not insane. I knew that there was nothing I could say to convince him to work on us. I knew, as I know now, it’s about what I do and I know that’s why things haven’t really improved.

He believed me. It gave him pause. I can’t ask for much more than that. We’re on speaking terms. We haven’t screamed for a week. I haven’t said anything reactionary. We haven’t said anything just to be hurtful or spiteful. It’s still unsure.I’m not stupid; I know there’s a long way to go and he’d much rather get divorced. It’s certainly easier. I’m not sure I blame him. He’s not ready to come back; although, I want him to. I understand his reservations and have some myself. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to hurt him again.

It’s awkward for me being here, alone but I’m trying to make the best of it. My excitement has waned some since that first day, when I realized there’s something more out there. When I have what one could call an epiphany. I find myself having this inner dialogue sometimes, when I realize I’ve slipped into a negative train of thought, when I know that what’s on my mind doesn’t help. And it’s a bit appalling to realize that, to know what my normal used to be. I was okay with that, not because I was happy, but because I was comfortable being negative. I’m not quite as energetic because I’ve realized this will take a lot of effort but I am still determined.

When I’m not analyzing what I’m doing now, I’m thinking about what I have been doing for the past years that we have been together. Questioning most of it, wondering if it helped my relationship. And I’m seeing a lot of things that were counter-productive and detrimental that I never realized. Every day, the list of mistakes grows a little longer. I was too busy thinking about myself to see that thinking about myself was part of the problem. I guess that’s the thing with perspective. When you get a dose of it, you suddenly realize how little you had. I don’t know if I lost it. It’s more likely that I never had as much as I thought I did. Without it, I couldn’t see what was truly going on. I see so much more than I did and, what I did see, I see differently.

I was too busy being complacent to see that I needed to be proactive. Now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I know that whether I get divorced or not, I’ll be okay and when nagging thoughts sneak up, I do my best to banish them away, chanting mentally. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Because while changing is something that will help my marriage, if given the chance, it is also something that will help me. I know it will.

It makes me feel more energetic about life. It makes me want to do more, see more. It makes me angry how I haven’t been giving things, people, even places a chance, how I’ve been content to stay inside and do nothing at all. Maybe I could have liked San Antonio. Maybe I’ll still have a chance. I don’t know. It makes me realize how I’ve been so wound up, trying to control everything and expending so much energy on the things that made me unhappy. I can’t control everything and sometimes that just may be the point. Everything won’t be perfect but it’s no reason to overlook the things that are good. Perhaps that’s the exact reason to be grateful for the things we do have.

I feel so cliche but “they” are right, you know. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And sometimes you don’t know what you have until it springs up, slaps you in the face and says “I’m here!” Either way, I’ve gained a lot of perspective about everything in the past week. Perhaps it seems like too much, so much that it’s not genuine but.. that’s not the case. I’ve gained enough perspective to know I have a lot of people who care about me and who have done their best to show it, even if I was ungrateful. I have enough perspective to know there is no one or nothing to blame but me for being in the position I was in, for being miserable (and not even realizing it) and for overlooking the possibilities and opportunities life gave me. I’ve gained enough perspective to know that I can do something about it. I just hope I’ve gained enough perspective to save my marriage.

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