The Scrolls

Archive for April, 2006

Gov’t Conspiracy!

I’ve uploaded a new song for you to download here.

Did you know that my favourite park in all of Wausau is one without swings? How can that be, you ask?! Simple: it has a great view. I love that little park which overlooks the Wisconsin river, of of Stuart Avenue. I can’t recall the name but it’s such a nice place to stop.

I took a walk today for, what else, food. It might be silly but there’s nothing material which comes close to bringing me the pleasure that Mt Dew and bourbon chicken do. I just appreciate rich tastes, I think.

On my way I stopped at said park. The girl leaning against the brown poll and sitting on the short, stone wall whose stones had had the vision of wooden grains in her stocking feet because her boots were kicked off several feet away, was me. It was delightful.

It’s such a beautiful day today and I long to be out while the sun shines, to take walks and go places and spend time with people and laugh and smile and be in touch with nature rather than locked in this prison, my bedroom, all the time. Alas, damned third shift!

But as time progressed, June is coming sooner. Ashley and I packed up a box of her stuff and I’ll add more to that so that, when the lease is up, Wendy and I won’t have much to pack up besides our stuff. We could probably make due with paper plates and plastic cups, even, to make it easier. Hey, that’s a good idea!

Speaking of Wendy – I miss her. I miss my fun, silly, childish, cute Wenny the wainbow wemur. -sigh* Moving in with people, is not such a good idea. First because my friends don’t make the best roommates and secondly because it’s so difficult to be mean to them when need be and last, because I’m always looking for someone to blame, someone with whom I can be angry and I take this out on my friends-become-roommates. I don’t know who’s right anymore, or even if anyone should be right.

I hope after this is all done, we can go back to being good friends because I am most certain she’s avoiding me. I knocked on her door to ask her to pay the bills, and she did so as I was rummaging in my room for stamps and I came back to her door shut tightly and the checks on the table.

I missed the mailman and ran out of stamps, anyway. Than I took a quick walk to the grocery store to buy stamps (I had to buy something else to get cash back first, anyway) and their stamp machine is broken! A fine time, I tell you. But browing the USPS web site I found some reaaaallly cute stamps: here and here. I’ll have to buy stamps from the machine at work tonight to mail our bills in, sort of , on time but I can buy these for later.

It is sleepy time soon!

Weee

I’ve updated the sex section!

Pill-z likes the pills

but I do not.

Currently, I have 3 prescriptions: a sleep aid to help prevent headaches, a painkiller to stop headaches and birth control. I could never swallow pills before and the day I was able to take Advil was miraculous; it signified an end of the unbearable headache era and I was happy.

But now, I feel quite like a pill popper. Instead of a few Advils here and there, it’s at least one pill daily plus pain killers as needed. I say at least because I really don’t take the sleep aid anymore, but that was supposed to be daily as well. It’s really not all that much, it just seems like it because I’ve lived without them for so long. And I’m not even taking a vitamin or anything, even though I know I should.

However, this is not about how I am an addict (Kidding about that last bit); this is about my current birth control pill. I was given Ortho-tri-cyclen and couldn’t start it anyway because my period eluded me that month.

On O-T-C, I experienced worsened headaches, spotting, acne and cramps. I was willing to give it several months but since I’d already had headaches, Family Planning wanted my doctor’s suggestion and he suggest Progestin-only BC so when I went in to refill my prescription, I started Ortho Micronor and the headaches, as well as every other side effect, disappeared!

However, in order for Tricare to cover my BC, they must call it in to a pharmacy and they prefer that I use a generic version. Family Planning had no problem with that so, I started my third month and my third type of BC around a week ago. This time, we’re going with Errin and to hell with what the FDA says about generics being the same – I’m not too fond of it, already.

This last week has been acne laden and the past few days have been cramp-filled. Did I mention that I’m spotting again? Yay. No headaches which is a plus and since I already have another pack for next month, too, I’ll just deal with these and see if the side effect lighten up. Otherwise, it’s back to Micronor for me and fuck the insurance company.

More than I’m sure most of you needed to hear, but I’m really not having an easy time of this. -sigh*

Don’t even get my started on my stove. (I’ll probably go into that later.)

I’ve been down this road before

hearing: Ambeon – High
feeling: Angry and worthless

I’m not sure whether I want to cry or cut.

Surprise!

Were someone to ask me right now “How are you?” I would have no choice but to answer “Fan-fucking-tastic!” I haven’t felt this great in years.

As a side note, I’ve updated the guess the movie and the guess the lyric pages and uploaded a new song for your downloading pleasure.

Questions, Site updates

Some of these have been sitting in my inbox for some time. The answers you’ve so long awaited, shall elude you no more. ;)

Q: Would you choose LUEshi over me?
A: Never! You know that!

Q: lawl let me spit in your tummy!
A: Um.. Yea. No, I think I’ll have to pass.

Q: how are things away ? – ben p.
A: Away, as in Japan? I think I blogged about this but to recap: things were wonderful.

Q: Do you miss me and love me?
A: Always.

Anyway, ask more questions! These all came 2 people!

Just a note, I’ve joined a new topsite list so please vote for me at Gothic 100.

Lastly, I’ve updated the splash page.

Musings

Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.

Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.

Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.

Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.

Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.

But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.

I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.

But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.

But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.

To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.