The Scrolls

Archive for July, 2005

File this under “Drama”

I might make references to names and places with which/whom you are not familiar but this will probably be a pretty interesting read, so keep going anyway.

Today I recieved an IM from Randy, my ‘ex’ with whom I rarely speak. Why the quotes (which aren’t even quotes?) It was simply an internet thing and while it may have lasted some time, I eventually wisened up. Afterall, being 16 and writing to your boyfriend in prison just doesn’t look good on a resume. He was older, I was smitten. He gave me all of ihs attention and affections and nothing I did could be wrong.

In reality, he was desperate and I was flattered. I thought it was love but realized it wasn’t when he was locked up and cuold no longer give me what I wanted. I ended it and it was difficult because I’d never done that before but I went on, eventually to meet my husband and Randy and I talked infrequently – 1 or 2 phone calls and a few IM’s.

This was up until a couple months ago when he IM’d me. He told me he was getting married and I was nothing but happy for him because everyone deserves the right to be happy, don’t they? A few weeks later he was married and we chatted, or so I thought.

To make a long story short, much (possibly all?) of the time I was chatting with him I was chatting with his wife, Patricia who was pretending to be him because she wanted information. At first, I thought she was just jealous and psycho, as I’d heard from Randy’s and my mutual friends, but I learned otherwise.

She was seeking the truth because she was udner the impression that I have Randy’s twins because.. he told her so. I tried to explain just how impossible that would have been (we’d never met and I was still a virgin until Rian >_>). I did, probably exactly what she expected me to do, and denied everything. Finally, I told her she needed to sort things out with him because they wouldn’t have a happy marriage if they werent honest with eachother.

Now for today: He IM’s but, per usual, it’s her. Trying to be a do gooder, I tell “him” that his wife thinks I have his kids and he needs to tell her the truth because I don’t and I shouldn’t be involved in this drama. This is when “he” comes out and tells me it’s really her, she doesn’t know the truth and they’re getting divorced because of all the lies and because he tried to choke her.

Jesus fucking Christ, man. Hindsight really offers a new vantage point? That could’ve been me! I am so very lucky that I got out of that and ended it, even when he begged me not to. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes.

Funny how life works out, isn’t it?

A REAL Update

hearing: Rian talking about.. whatever
feeling: Headachey
wanting: No headachey

At first, I was upset and wanted to write a long, friends only (read: Not Rian) entry in my LJ but things are going so well and so much better now that it really wouldn’t be worth dredging up those feelings. For once, I finally feel as though some things are starting to go my way.

Well, lots has happened. We’ll start with Thursday when Tim called me up to be all “Don’t you think there’s something you should be telling us?” From there it escalated, and it became obvious that someone told them I was engaged. Big fucking deal, right? Maybe – if I knew who told. They blamed Liz and she became really upset but turns out, she really couldn’t have told so we think John did. Anyway, a lot of namedropping from me. Bleh.

So she thought I was angry with her, but whether or not she did tell, I’m not and I wasn’t. However, upon hearing (from me) that Liz might’ve told, Grace called her up and yelled at her. To add insult to injury, Mom and Tim also called, reducing Liz to tears, when she later called Grace. -sigh*

On Friday, Tim called again to tell me about how he was all hurt and how after “everything I’ve done for you” I should have had more respect and told him but why would I tell him before Mom and how do I make him, or Mom, understand why I didn’t tell? I certainly didn’t want them to find out through the grapevine but it doesn’t seem as though Mom understands that she isn’t a very good Mom and I have my reasons which were not to hurt either of them but, rather, to protect myself.

Grace and Ginger came over for a bit and it was a nice visit. We were going to head down to the courthouse and get married. (Yay. I wanted to do it Thursday but I slept all day instead. )=) Except, Rian got all nervous and the landlords came over to look at the board on the window which was in the way of the air conditioner. Long story short, putting in the AC was a simpler process than expected and we just got the marriage license so he’d have a couple days to “prepare” or something.

Saturday and Sunday were tumultuous with us fighting and making up equally insanely. Sometimes our relationship is so volatile that it scares me. When it’s good it’s amazing and I can’t fathom it ever being bad but when it’s bad it’s fucking awful and I can’t imagine it being good.

Nevertheless, we returned to the courthouse at 3:00 Monday afternoon and were married in a little courtroom. It was very simple and only Wendy, Sami and Sami’s husband Eric were present. Afterword Wendy, Rian and I headed to Applebees and it was nice. It still hadn’t (and hasn’t) completely sunk in that I’m married and someone’s wife but it’s getting there.

Things have been great between us with lots of little kisses, hugs, cuddling and the like. (= I find myself grinning like an idiot even more at work but I am dreading when he has to leave. I’m about to join him in bed event hough I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to waste what precious little time I have left with him. )= Letting him go will be quite difficult.

On an unrelated subject, Sami is going to day shift and Fernie will be switching so we don’t have the same days off anymore. This really gives me even less motivation to keep this job, yet I’ve been there so close to a year it seems a shame to leave, at least before I get my vacation. -chuckles* Additionally, I don’t know how worth it, it would be to get a new job when I might not be here all that long.

I finally went down to the DMV and got my temps! Go Cole! Took me long enough but now I have that much out of my way and I’m slowly proceeding through the process of getting my license.

This is an update

[Insert Update-stuff Here]

New Perspective

I saw you tonight and realized that, in my mind, I have placed you on a pedestal. I have marked you as sup-human, something more than what you really are. Rather than the walls crumbling down, I was okay with being wrong and I could handle it. I didn’t hate you or feelm disgusted by the fact that you’re simply human and I felt something.. forgiveness.. for your human faults.

Perhaps if I am able to accept someone I had so revered as human then I, too, can accept myself as such.

A new understanding came along with that – the understanding that I control much more of this than I think, at least my outlook on it all. Although I think such a large part of me would be content to remain unhappy and complaining…

Lately, I’ve been quite bitchy and pathetic. I’m pissing off most of my friends and I’m really close to doing something stupid. Wonderful, eh?

I don’t know.. I need to e-mail Rian.

To Be Something More

hearing: .45
feeling: terribly unhappy
wanting: my thoughts to just fucking stop

As I listen to this song I am crying. I cannot seem to come to terms with my own humanity these days. It’s so difficult for me to admit my faults for that would make me human. You might say “Well, duh, Cole!” but what’s obvious to most is rarely obvious to me.

Why must I be human? Can I not be better than that? I want, more than anything, to be better. I want to be able to look down upon others. I am so very vain. -sigh*

I don’t want to go into hysterics everytime I must admit I am wrong or so adamantly defend that I am right even when I know otherwise.

Why am I so full of angst? I thought I was over this shit…

And I’m sorry Ashe. I guess I do need to get over myself.. but there’s so much more going on, so much more behind what I say.

Happy anniversary!

Today is a good day. It’s not necessarily a happy day but a good day. Today marks 2 years with Rian and that is awesome. I’m happy, although not overly excited. I feel more calm and content and, yes, a little smug, over this.. In the realm of relationship, this says a lot. Add all the conflicts with which we’ve dealt – age, the internet, long distance, the Air Force, me -g* – and this really says something.

So, I am proud of us and happy for us as well. It’s also exciting to know that this is just the beginning! I can only imagine what’s to come.

However, I must shower now.

Only Me

So, it seems, that I am fairly alone – and by fairly alone I mean utterly, completely, alone. jealous of hot metal chicks on myspace. -le sigh* I think makeup will be reappearing extremely soon.