Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Mar 20

with friends like these

[insert s/n here]: what’s wrong hun?
[me] (copied conversation)

lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says: last night i showed that to aaron he totally picked it apart.. but lemme tell you he cant do shit with a paint program and so i’m pissed at him rae wanted me to send icons to val when she knew i could do ’em and i offered and she acted like i wasnt good enough to do them thats two and then sarah is wallowing in self pity.. and she wont do anything so i try t’tell her shes gunna have t’stick it out and i get bitched at three then sigi asked if i could ask if val could do some icons -sigh* four the five minute thing five
Lilli’s Jesse says:
You said you did it in five minutes, so I was jus’ agreeing with you.
Lillie’s Jesse says:
Sorry, though.
lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
and the fact that when my msn name is SELF EMOTIONAL MUTILATION
(end copied convo)

[insert s/n here]: I’m not following all this hun
[me]: okay.. might wanna maximise the window.. its an msn convo
[me[: i am lyrical…
[insert s/n here]: :-( there..
[me]: talking t’jesse and i showed him a pic.. that i was semi proud of… and hes like i could make that in 5 minutes
[insert s/n here]: I’m sorry hun.. he’s an ass sometimes… :-(
[me] well read it… (start copied convo 2)

lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
and no one fucking stops t’ask whats wrong
Lillie’s Jesse says:
We’re used to seeing it?
lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
and then i had t’put up with jaxy and taryn talking about how fucking happy they are in their relationships well maybe but people shouldnt get used t’it i wish somebody would fucking care
(cend copied convo 2)

[insert s/n here]: of course people care cole I wouldn’t have messaged you if I didn’t care I rarely tlak to Jesse anymore.. because he’s VERY insensitive… don’t even listen to him!
[me]:(copied convo part 3) -sigh* nobody notices when m’down anymore
Lillie’s Jesse says:
I’m sorry.
lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
no you’re not
Lillie’s Jesse says:
Yeah, I am.
lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
sorry doesnt fucking help anything nothing does and i’m going t’shut up now
Lillie’s Jesse says:
Neither does being pissed off at people. And you really shouldn’t expect people to ask about changes in your name. Those are subtlties and most people aren’t going to notice. If you want someone to talk to, I recommend asking them.
lyrical.musings[self+emotional+mutilation] says:
you don’t even have t’acknowledge this conversation ever existed and m’sorry for throwing this all at you it wasn’t fair i don’t do that tho if people wanted t’know they’d ask
(end copied convo)
[insert s/n here]: :-( right… just stop talking to him don’t need to hear it Jesse doens’t care about anyone but himself you’re not gonna feel any better talking to him Cole
[me] -bkah* but you know what if i hadnt left int ears no one would have noticed i was upset
[insert s/n here]: you never wanna talk though
[me] well no
[insert s/n here]: when I ask you what’s wrong you won’t say much and you never seem like you wanna talk so of course people aren’t going to pry
[me] its just no one ever asks when have you asked whats wrong?
[insert s/n here]: Whenever i ask how you are and you say you’re not fine! you just pass it off, and we’ve never been that close so I’d feel odd asking you for details if you don’t seem to wanna tell me anyway
[me] well see -sigh i figure.. if someone thinks m’not okay.. they’d ask if they wanna know m’not going t’go tellin them
[insert s/n here]: but you give off the impression that we’d be prying and you don’t seem to want that
[me] -l* i want people t’pry it’s like when i say nothing’s wrong i feel if people really cared they’ll pry until i give in
[insert s/n here]: well! don’t seem so cold!
[me] i can’t help it
[insert s/n here]: you can mention to people that you wanna talk.. more htan likely people will wanna listen
[me]: ive been trying thats not how i am it makes me feel whiney
[insert s/n here]: who cares.. the rest of us don’t mind doing it.. and we don’t mind I mean it’s not like your **** always bitching and complaining
[me]: -l* but id feel like it
[insert s/n here]: a woman of her age acting like she’s fifteen pisses me off anyway
[me]i dont wanna act like m’15 either
[insert s/n here]: you are young cole.. and that’s not what I mean.. she flips out when ppl call her by her NAME.. she has a kid but apparently she can find an awful lot of time to chat, etcetc
[me] bleh i dont feel young i feel like im on my fucking death bed
[insert s/n here]: don’t get so dramatic Cole… think about things rationally
[me] im serious i feel so old
[insert s/n here]: why?
[me]: i dont know meh.. see i dont like this.. i feel like im whing whining^ i feel like i should just shut up and leave you alone
[insert s/n here]: I messaged you remember you can talk to someone you know school’s offer counselling… and that can be a very helpful thing
[me] so ill get close t’a few people who i dont feel whiney around.. only having so few people t’talk to leave me limited time t’have emotions ive done that seen 3 councelors and a shrink and im not even bad now.. tomorrow ill be better like it never happened and even tho you messaged me.. i feel like i’m wasting your time i’m sorry
[insert s/n here]: ah… I don’t know what to say really..
[me] yea im a fuck up
[insert s/n here]: I know how that is though
[me]: cant ya tell
[insert s/n here]: you’re young
[me]: -l*
[insert s/n here]:: we all have these feelings
[me]: weve been thru this
[insert s/n here]: beliiiieve me -l-
[me]: no offense but i kinda get sick of everyone telling me how young i am
[insert s/n here]: it’s alright I’ll leave you alone now
[me]: sorry
[insert s/n here]: I am too!
[me]: are too what?
[insert s/n here]: It wasn’t saying ‘you’re so young’. I’m not very old either young
[me]: hmm
[insert s/n here]: and it’s the same thing when I’m in the ozpark and ppl like Stef bitch about how i”m not 21 and yadayadayada…
[me]: hmm
[insert s/n here]: my maturity seems to surpass that of a lot of those chataholics with children, yet I’m too young to chat there… riiight
[me]:: i dunno i think a lot of this stems from.. people telling me m’so mature for m’age
[insert s/n here]: :-(
[me]: and i feel like i gotta uphold that
[insert s/n here]: you can’t expect to act the same as a twenty-year-old cole
[me]: that fact hurts
[insert s/n here]: why? you’ll get there…
[me]: i want so much t’not be other 15 y/o whiney bitch i prolly wont
[insert s/n here]: I’m nineteen, and I’m still sick of being labelled a whiney teen, but I am, and I deal with it.. you can’t help it.. you know you’re not like that..
[me]: not like what a whiney bitch? -l* but i feel like it
[insert s/n here]: you’re not.. and you know it
[me]: no i dont
[insert s/n here]: well, everyone else does.. just calm down. .don’t stress about stuff like that anyway
[me]: no i think everyone else thinks im whiney and immature
[insert s/n here]: no we don’t..
[me]: but damit thats how i feel
[insert s/n here]: that’s what Ben and i said the other day.. he didn’t realize how young you were until I told him
[me]: hmm
[insert s/n here]: yeah
[me]: -shrugs* i dunno
[insert s/n here]: :-(
[me]: -lmfao*
[insert s/n here]: what?
[me]: just the idea of me acting m’age drooling over random guys overrun by hormones.. shopping -shivers* gossiping -l* having school spirit..
[insert s/n here]: see!
[me]: man id have t’be a prep no thank you.. i’d rather not.. i guess i’ll just work on that communication problem
[insert s/n here]: people will listen if you let them you know
[me]: no people are shallow
[insert s/n here]:: not all of them (though that is my philosophy also) that’s why I hate poetry.. nobody is that deep
[me]: -l* i love poetry s’one of m’only escapes
[insert s/n here]: I can’t stand it.. I find people to be generally shallow, and that nobody is really that deep.. but maybe i just don’t understand it..
[me]: yea..
[insert s/n here]: -shrug-
i wish i could tell the world ‘if you think something is wrong ask me.’ wrong -l*
[insert s/n here]: don’t you feel like yo uhave anyone who’s that close to you that’ll ask? even on here
[me]: nope
[insert s/n here]: why not? you could! you just don’t make yourself seem that.. approachable I guess
[me]: well i kinda do that t’ward of the idiots
[insert s/n here]: -l- which is almost everyone on here I’m assuming
[me]: yea.. dude
[insert s/n here]: I at least have Ben, or Susie when she’s around to care… and you could have people also.. if you’d be more open
[me]: ive been meaning t’burn this cd for like 3 hours
[insert s/n here]: what is it?
[me]: just some random songs mostly savage garden thats why i like randy so much he always could tell when i wasnt happy
[insert s/n here]: he ever on?
[me]: ive been crying before and mom walked in and didnt even noticed in fact its happened more than once no
[insert s/n here]: why can’t u talk to her?
[me]:-l* well for starters i dont even feel like shes m’mom
[insert s/n here]: why not?
[me]: just a pile of stuff thats happened since amanda died i guess the fact that randy isnt around makes me on edge a bit and everything is kinda on shaky ground already
[insert s/n here]: I don’t know what to tell you.. I can’t even solve my own problems.. heh
[me]: yea and im trying to help sarah
[insert s/n here]: Bleuanjil?
[me]: no paranoid
[insert s/n here]: what other names does she use?
[me]: only that one she is a friend form irl and has some huge problems.. and im attempting to help but i cant do it all the time you know i need to live for me
[insert s/n here]: tell her that…
[me]: and like after i left the room.. she curled up and sighed.. i wanted to scream cant you get over yourself and be a friend back
[insert s/n here]: you should’t have her pressures on yer shoulders too
Lady Crow 666: she didnt even ask what was wrong
[insert s/n here]: ask her!
[me]: ask hey what? but honestly if i tell her i cant handle it shell say i dont care
[insert s/n here]: no she won’t.. if she’s your friend
[me]: shes done it before i know she will
[insert s/n here]: why do u bother with her then?
[me]: cause i wanna help
[insert s/n here]: but you should get the same in return
[me]: maybe
[insert s/n here]: you should
[me]: guess i never thought of it that way
[insert s/n here]:: friendship is a two-way thing
[me]: hmm yea so well i have a lot of friendships like that..
[insert s/n here]: you shouldn’t you know
[me]: yea i know now -l*
[insert s/n here]: well! tell them to fuck off or give yo uteh same in return
[me]: hmm well in thyat case ive got no friends
[insert s/n here]: thats’ not true
[me]: none irl anyway
[insert s/n here]:: I know..I had a really rough time at some points in high school with r/l friends and still now but you shouldn’t let yerself be used
[me]: hmm
[insert s/n here]: heh
[me]: ugh that cd burned like shit
[insert s/n here]: sorry
[me]: cheap cd’s got em for free.. form sarah -lol* i feel better tho.. thanks
[insert s/n here]:: ah.. :-( I bought cheap ones -l- haven’t burned yet tho my com is all freaky
[me]: ok
[insert s/n here]: :-) hope so
[me]: dude half the songs dont even play
[insert s/n here]: :-( ick!
[me]: ill say burning it on the last good cd
[insert s/n here]: :-) good!
[me]: heh we got a new pup did i tel you?
[insert s/n here]: nooo.. my mom just gave my dog’s puppies away :-( what kind is yours?
[me]: a heerl husky black lab stupid male really cant shit outside like its too cold
[insert s/n here]: -l- ick i miss my pts
[me]: yea
[insert s/n here]: pets
[me]: aww i have a big orange cat named floppy =)
[insert s/n here]: we have a buncha cats Velcro, Kit, Bella, and one more.. but I can’t say her name and we have three dogs. .Chloe, Sheba and Ringo :-)
[me]: hes a bit hefty but hes sensitive about his weight so i try not to hurt his feelings
[insert s/n here]: -l- lazy fat cats
[me]: ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[insert s/n here]: -lol- my poor kitten’s name is Hitler.. and we have Chubs.. -s- the new kitten
[me]:: he doesn sleep with me often when he does m’happy
[insert s/n here]:: oookay -s-
[me]: all my other cats ive had slept with me so i felt like rejected but now sometimes he sleeps with me and sometime sour big dog does too
[insert s/n here]: -s- mine do when m’home.. heh
[me]: when i take over the world im going t’sit on my thrown laughing maniacally and petting my cat
[insert s/n here]: -lol- dork
[me]: im serious well at one time i was i had a whole plan and if i could have pulled it off it would have worked but now i just wanna be happy
[insert s/n here]: :-) that’s a good goal you knwo -s-
[me]: yea but its the hardest one ive ever set
[insert s/n here]: you’ll get there hun
[me]: sometimes i wonder
[insert s/n here]: you will.. be optimistic.. if you think you won’t, then you won’t
[me]: it burned right this time at this time i just wanna be with randy mostly i mean not even together just near him
[insert s/n here]: then, make that a goal!
[me]: its unreasonable
[insert s/n here]: no it’s not Ben’s in California
[me]: well
[insert s/n here]: I’m in Nova Scotia.. we did it! nobody said we would..
[me]: i cant drive he doesnt have the money nor the time i dont have the money
[insert s/n here]: you will eventually
[me]: i hope so heres a secret m’not really as depressed/pessimistic/bitchy as i represent m’self im actually kinda perky and wacky.. but dont tell -l*
[insert s/n here]: why then? -l-
[me]: why then what? i dont think i wanted t’say represent m’self thats just how people percieve me.. and its not usually intentional..
[insert s/n here]: try being a lil more UPBEAT!! it’s not a bad thing!
[me]: i am in m’own way i mean that whole floppy thing was rather happy -l*
[insert s/n here]: -l- yeah.. but you’re not LIKE that in the open
[me]: i know.. but i save it for the people i trust
[insert s/n here]: -ss- why? its’ not a weakness or anything
[me]: well it is well not a weakness just n/m m’not sure what m’saying but i need a tail coat and top hat and a cane and a penguin
[insert s/n here]: -l- I read that book :-)
[me]: what book? -l* that was straight from me
[insert s/n here]: the penguin one! a guy with a top hate and coat and a penguin!
[me]: ive never read it lmfao maybe im related to the author
[insert s/n here]: its’ really cute.. :-)
[me]: thats another thing people are always telling me m’cute
[insert s/n here]: I did it in elementary school
[me]: mr popper’s penguins?
[insert s/n here]: I’m not sure.. -l-
[me]: i dunno anyway
[insert s/n here]: too long ago.. and my memory is awwful
[me]: i dunno if cute is my thing my long term memory is awesome like i can remember when i was in 7th grade we drove t’milwaukee and got lost on the way back.. we took a wrong turn at the sign for cauldron wi lol short term memory sucks
[insert s/n here]: my short term is good -l- prolly why i do good on exams.. but form awhile back.. nooo way
[me]: lol we could like stick our memory together with gum and know stuff!
[insert s/n here]: we’d be a mega person -l- ah.. i’m so tired is it almost midnight there?
[me]: no 11 but im going t’go anyway
[insert s/n here]: -s- nightnight Cole -s-
[me]: -hugs* thanks for letting me be whiney and immature
[insert s/n here]: you weren’t -s-
[me]: you lie -l*
[insert s/n here]: no I dont! I know what whiney is -lol-

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