Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 07

It really is a graveyard

hearing: “Fallen Angels”
feeling: insecure & disappointed
wanting: Rian, for things to be “right,” normality, to watch H2G2 again, more series on DVD…

I become easily excited over accomplishing little things: things such as going to the bank or the mall, seeing Mom and Samantha or friends. Working third shift blows because I come home and no one’s up; I could try to salvage the day by going to sleep right away but I’m never tired enough so I stay up a few hours which turns into a few more and by that time there’s no way I can salvage the day, no one is up still and I might be able to get enough sleep. -shrugs*

So when I have a day off I plan all the things I can do, but rarely do them. Third shift sucks but not having a car sucks even more. Seriously. I hate having to rely on people so, more often than not, I stay home, not leaving the house (except for work) for WEEKS at a time. I don’t want to do this. I want to get out; I really, truly, do but it takes so much effort to get out.

The other day, Wendy made this huge deal about wanting to go to the fair today (and by today I mean Saturday) but I didn’t see a reason to because wristband day is tomorrow and since admission is so much I didn’t want to go today and just waste money but she convinced me that the friend who got her in free would do the same to me and I agreed to go. I started becoming excited and this morning I mapped out everything I would do and thought it’d be a good day.

Well, Mom did come over but while she was here, Wendy left without telling me where she was going or for how long or if we were going to the fair. Since I was dead tired, I slept after Mom and Samantha left, which meant no going to the bank either. Perhaps I’ll take a walk over to the Pick n Save branch today.

I woke up, and was excited to see Rian online but AIM has been being an uber bitch so my mood just went downhill from there. Messages were being lost and by the time we could finally talk on MSN, the IM “atmosphere” was all wrong and I spent the entire time struggling with that and the fact that, recently, I’ve been insanely insecure.

I was talking to Ashe all the while and that really didn’t help. Turns out none of my friends want to go to the fair for the same reason I do: the rides. Hello?! Are you all old? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t I have any fun? It’s bad enough I already missed the 2 concerts I really wanted to see because no one would go with me but this is just like arg. Why is having fun so difficult?

So it’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve already done most of the dishes, washed and put away my clothes and done the typical things I did on the internet. We need food and I wouldn’t mind growing shopping; hell, right now I wouldn’t mind walking, but there’s no one with whom to go. Maybe if Wausau were just a bit bigger there’d be something to do and someone with whom to do it, but it isn’t and there isn’t and it sucks.

I actually feel like updating the site a bit now so we’ll see what I can do.

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