Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jan 28

10 Reasons I’m In Love with Darren Hayes

No reason, just silliness!

  1. His voice is the soundtrack to my formative years (and often reminds me of my best friend).
  2. He makes a hot clown.*
  3. He has an adorable accent.
  4. He’s funny and had a great podcast. (RIP).
  5. He’s multitalented.
  6. Have you seen his face?
  7. He likes Star Wars.
  8. I bet we could totally make inappropriate jokes together.
  9. Because he’d be a better husband than my ex.
  10. I am totally just a teenaged girl inside!

<3


Jan 18

This Is Why I Don’t Answer Doors

It’s cold, so I’ve been answering the back door for people more. I really don’t want to, but it annoys the fuck out of me when people pound on the door.

9 times out of 10, it’s someone who’s been locked out or the Fedex guy. The last time, though? It’s a doozy.

It’s a woman whose care has been stolen by her drug dealing baby daddy who is trying to visit someone in the building because her phone has no network or something. But that person isn’t home.

So she winds up sitting in my living room for an hour, calling a dozen different people on Ashe’s phone (because, again, hers doesn’t work), trying to get someone to come pick her up.

She calls her brother and baby daddy’s sister to complain and threaten to call the cops on this guy, who is most definitely on probation, and has taken her brother’s car for an out-of-state drug run.

I’m not making this shit up. I don’t even wish that I was because it’s such a weird story.

All her texting, calling and threatening does little, so she tries to get in touch with the guy’s PO, but it’s well after business hours, and I can tell by the sound of her voice that she doesn’t like the option and isn’t actually going to follow through by visiting the police station in the morning.

She finally gets someone to pick her up, leaves. But then she comes back because the guy who fathered her children — an error in judgment, if you ask me — hasn’t showed up. So she returns to my living room.

Meanwhile, Ashe and I can’t believe this is happening or how rude she is. She hasn’t introduced herself before using Ashe’s phone. She hasn’t apologized for invading my space, and she doesn’t say “Thank you, ” as far as I can remember.

Keep it classy, lady. You’re a reminder of who I don’t want to be.. and why I should just let people freeze to death outside.


Jan 16

Cole’s Advice for Guys on Dating Sites

Guys are, like, just shit at making good impressions on dating websites. Do they honestly have no idea how badly they fuck this up? I mean, it’s painfully obvious.. to me, at least.

Save me the fucking hassle and make some changes according to these “polite” suggestions. You might just get more attention, even if it’s not from me (it won’t be).

1. Fill out your profile, fuck face.

Don’t just tell me to “ask you.” If I know nothing about you, then what could I possible ask. How about “Why are you so lazy that you can’t do the one thing to ensure you get any attention here?” Does that do it for you. Christ.

2. No, you do not “work hard and play harder.”

I mean, come on. What the hell does this even mean? It must be super important to you and every one of the other thousands guys whose profile proudly displays this cliche. I get it. You’re from Wisconsin. You probably work a terrible factory or farm job. You may have a farmer’s tan. And when it falls dark, you get absolutely shitfaced to deal with how much you deal with your life. Yea, that’s what I take out of that unoriginal dribble. Try harder, try again.

3. Take a Fucking Selfie

I don’t why this never occurs to guys but all your photos should not be group photos. I need at least one clear, closeup photo of your face, ie, a selfie. It’s cool that you do things, that you have friends and that you get hot chicks to pose in photos for you (although, I have no idea why this is a trend). But I need to know what your face looks like so I can know if I want to gaze at it, kiss it, so on and so forth. Your action shots aren’t doing that.

Even worse, when every photo is you and the same three guys, how the hell am I suppose to know who you are?

So take a damn selfie. Then you won’t have to poorly crop your ex out of the photo.

4. Your Tinder profile picture should be a God damned picture of you.

No sports logos. Not a carton character. Okay. This is about hooking up. Attraction is a must. If you do that, you’re killing your chances. There’s no doubt about it.

5. Read my fucking profile.

My POF profile actually contains specific instructions about something you should mention when you message me. If you don’t, then you paid no attention. If you can’t bother to pay attention to me at the point during which you’re supposed to be impressing me, what could I expect while dating or in a relationship? The answer is not much. I’m okay with avoiding that slippery slope.

6. Don’t send multiple messages.

Get the fucking hint. If I sign on every day and don’t reply, I am not interested. Even if you think we’re a good match. Even if you think your message was clever. But especially if we have nothing in common or if you made any of the previous mistakes on this list. If I don’t reply, I am not interested. I’m sorry, okay?

Wait, no, I’m not. That’s my option and you need to take the hint.

I don’t expect perfection, poetry or profundity. But Jesus Christ, can you manage to come off as a decent human being who is real?


Dec 13

7 Modern Christmas Songs I Love

River – Sarah Mclachlan

I’d only vaguely heard this song before I bought Sarah’s Christmas album. It’s melancholy but somehow not in a bad way. I don’t even know how that works. Her version of “O Little town of Bethlehem” is also worth a listen or twenty.

Gothic Christmas – Within Temptation

This song is cheesy and ridiculous, and I love every moment of it. Let’s talk about evil Santa and Rudolph (not Krampus). Let’s make everything sparkly and green

Leroy The Redneck Reindeer – Joe Diffie 

Speaking of cheesy, there’s this one that’s about 20 years old. It’s got that Christmassy feel but it’s totally got that dated 90s country sound, too. And it’s going on my iPod as I type!

Deck the Halls – SheDaisy

Slightly less redneck is SheDaisy’s version of “Deck the Halls,” which might be the only version I actually like. It sounds so grown up, and it’s crazy to think I first heard this when I was in high school!

Winter Dreams – Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson’s Christmas album is one of the better modern Christmas albums in my opinion. There are some classic covers, but the new songs manage to capture the feel of Christmas and the jazzy tempos match Kelly’s powerful voice so well. “Winter Dreams” could be my favorite Christmas song of all time, but “Underneath the Tree,” and “4 Carats” are excellent, too.

A Mad Russian’s Christmas – TSO

It’s all really hard for me to pick a single song by TSO that I like. I know that most people only like Christmas Eve in Sarajevo, and it’s good, but they’ve  got multiple Christmas albums! “Wizards in Winter” is a song that I keep on my iPod all year long, so I think that shows you how much I like it. But “A Mad Russian’s Christmas” ugh. It’s everything, guys!

Sufjan Stevens – Christmas In The Room

If you want coffee shop indie music, then this last track is the one for you. It’s not my favorite on this list, but it’s definitely enjoyable and festive/


Nov 12

11/11

It’s Veteran’s Day. At least it is for a few more minutes (or was, by the time I get this posted).

I know this because of the onslaught of emails telling me about sales. I also know it because many of my friends on Facebook have changed profile photos or cover photos. I know many people who have served, many of whom I met while I was married to someone who was in the military.

Veteran’s Day is also a reminder of everyone I know has served, has family members who have served or has sat at home during a long deployment while their significant other was in a war zone. There are many more of these people than I anticipated. I often forget. I’m willing to bet you have similar feelings on this day every year, that you’re surprise by how many people known to you who have connections to the military, even if you’ve never served yourself, have never lived on a base or live somewhere without a heavy military influence.

It is because of these people, most of whom I like, many of whom I respect, and a few of which I love dearly, that I cannot post this on Facebook. I would not want to take away from their posts or the support they’re receiving. In fact, as I type this, NCIS is playing in the background, and two characters are musing about the type of person who would sign up to go to a war zone. Tony says “Crazy.” Ellie says “Noble.” Perhaps this very dichotomy is what has me tripped up.

Enlisting in the military takes you away from your friends and family, even if you only leave for basic training and school. You may be stationed across the country or world from them. Deployments put you in the middle of war zones, without most of the perks of first-world living. There are rigid protocols for fitness. You can expect to be on-call for your entire military career. There are a lot of sacrifices we don’t make in the civilian world, even though there’s definitely some shared sacrifices with some jobs.

None of this negates the perks, however. Free schooling, housing and medical. Pensions after just twenty years.  The military provides many people with resources that are hard-fought or even too expensive to be considered for many people. These resources are a real motivation for people who struggle to obtain them through other means. It’s often sign-up bonuses and a stable job that appeal to people who enlist, rather than their desire to “fright for freedom” or the American way.

There’s a stability provided that might be a stark reminder of how unstable life can be for those who has signed up for the military. I recognize this. I respect this.

Still, there are some people who never deploy. There are those who have short deployments that are few and far between. Training to survive and defend is forgotten as people work desk jobs for their entire career. I’ve seen it happen. People get all the perks while dealing with little more than an inconvenience.

There are enough people in the military who don’t respect their jobs, their sacrifices and their risks that I can’t help but wonder, “Why should I?” Perhaps they’ve earned the right by being in it, something I only came within grasp of when I was married to the military. Maybe I was lucky that my loved one came home time after time, with every limb in tact. Maybe I am jaded because I had the best experience possible.

Perhaps that’s the point. We never know whose life will be stable, which deployment will be one that we return from and who will escape from their service unscathed. But there’s entirely the risk that that the risk turns into a real sacrifice, that lives will be torn asunder, irrevocably changed. I guess I can’t argue against showing a little respect for those who take that risk. It’s not fair to revoke respect simply because the worst didn’t happen. In fact, I think I feel a little grateful for those who had it “easier.”

Happy Veteran’s Day.


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