Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jun 14

Thoughts I’ve Had About the Mass Shooting in Orlando

This is kind of a stream-of-consciousness thing. I might stumble with words and thoughts that aren’t as clear or supportive as I’d like. It is not my intent to talk over any victims, their families or members, and I will continue to share their words via social media. But it’s impossible not to have thoughts, and I just wanted to get them all down.

50 people is the largest mass shooting the country has ever seen? C’mon, this is America. Surely, we’ve had worse than that.. which led to: I can’t believe how desensitized I am to violence like this as an American.

I am so relieved this was far away, that it doesn’t personally affect me, that I am not the target demographic for violence like this. I am reassured by my privilege. In the same token, I feel guilt at feeling these things, and I can only wonder how long it will be until those things are no longer true. The next bombing, shooting, hate crime or act of terrorism could hit much closer to home. And it’s awful even if I am not personally affected.

I can’t believe people are trying to erase the significance of it being a gay nightclub. This stuff matters. How can it not?

I also cannot believe that people will just paint him as a Muslim connected to any group. He was clearly mentally unstable, and professed his allegiance to multiple, mutually exclusive groups.

I do not want people to focus on that fact that the gunman was potentially closeted gay or bisexual because it minimizes the fact that most violence is done to the LGBT community by members of the straight community. But it’s clear he did have a preoccupation with the LGBT community.

And how can people say it’s not time to argue about gun control? Not only is it always time to argue for some sort of stricter regulation on firearms, but it makes sense to do it after a heinous crime is committed with a gun. In fact, I don’t understand any of the pro-gun rhetoric that’s being used right now.

I find it especially funny that people who say the gov can’t infringe on their second amendment rights even if it would deter some criminals and terrorists, which it would, are the same who say that men who have sex with men (and women who have sex with men who have sex with men) cannot donate blood. If you argue that the rights of the majority outweigh the risks of the minority, you cannot take both stances. Sorry.

Everyone has a theory how it could have been prevented or the violence lessened — never mind that there was an armed, off-duty police officer who fired at the shooter.. and he was overtaken and killed.

If more guns are the solution, then we’ll have to mandate firearm training and education for everyone, including those who never intend to be gun owners. I’m not sure how since we can’t even do this uniformly for gun owners.

I have no qualms about my stance on gun control. I could live comfortably in a country where citizens weren’t allowed to have them. I know these countries exist. I also know that countries such as Australia have successfully taken almost all guns off the streets. I realize the biggest hurdle here is the American culture surrounding the second amendment, and I’m not sure how we get to where other countries are from where we currently are. And, yes, it might mean that people are unable to protect themselves but people are going to die anyway. That’s so completely shitty but I’d rather see progress than this heel-digging-in we’ve got now.

I also understand that guns are just a tool but they’re a tool created specifically for destruction, even if that destruction is necessary or condoned. This one of the reasons why comparing guns to cars re: regulation is an imperfect analogy, but cars were not intended to do violence. They just happen to be capable of it, especially when used incorrectly.

Technology is both a blessing and a curse. That some people were able to call or text their loved ones even moments before their deaths is amazing. But to be on the receiving end of those calls? I can’t even imagine.

I am incredibly humbled and touched by the reports about the victims, their lives and the hole their deaths leaves in the world. From Anderson Cooper to BuzzFeed, the response has been tactful and compassionate.

It’s so difficult to process death. One moment, someone is alive and the next? Their machine has shut down. There’s a finiteness to that, which I just cannot grasp.

And, finally, I just wish I didn’t know that I would eventually come to peace with this.. until the next time.


May 31

A Letter You Won’t Listen To, Anyway

No one is online to talk to so I will talk to my blog.

Dear Dave,

I wasn’t expecting to see a text from you today. In fact, I puzzled about who might be texting me on my birthday when so many people use Facebook to message me. Upon seeing your name, I felt a barrage of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety et al – and none of them was “happy.”

At first, I thought about replying to your “Happy Birthday” text. I would ask you how you wanted me to respond. But then I realized it didn’t matter because either I couldn’t provide you with what you needed, or I just didn’t care.

You had no right to message me. I know this even as I blamed myself for not double-checking you were blocked on my phone after the New Year’s message, which elicited much of the same responses in myself. I shouldn’t have to block you after requesting radio silence for months, then finally deleting you from Facebook and blocking your messages there. For a while, you were blocked on my phone, too. My signals were clear.

It’s not like I wasn’t clear when I said I had to end our friendship, either. When I made the executive decision to end our friendship, I was not only positive it was good for me. I was sure it was good for you. After years of feeling disrespected, my behavior toward you became resentful. In short, I was an asshole and I justified it. And who wants to be that way? Whether you can see it or not, being apart means you no longer have to deal with that.

It’s obvious that the absence of friendship hasn’t opened your eyes any further, however. Unwarranted contact on various occasions – all of which I’ve ignored – prove that you don’t understand why I initially needed space and that you’re currently incapable of respecting me.

I am sure some part of you hopes that you can wish me a happy birthday and I will want to talk. But my immediate response was somewhere between trying not to vomit and crying. Because every time I’ve asked for space, you’ve ignored it, as if your need for validation and reassurance trumps my need for human decency!

At first, I thought a break was all I needed. And had you left me the fuck alone, perhaps it would have. Now, I know that a break is not enough. Every time you’ve proved that you can’t or won’t listen. If space were ever a reality, it’s one you’ve certainly altered by continuing to affect me so.

I don’t know if you see this. I do know that you would surely argue your point. That’s part of the problem. That’s almost all of the problem. That’s a problem I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to eliminate for almost a year now. And you know what?

I am done. With you. Because the positivity I need in my life — and have achieved over the last few months — is unobtainable when you’re around. I only hope you can find some for yourself, without me.


May 13

My Cats Are Having Midlife Crises

I don’t know what else it could be.

Take Goliath, for example. He never used to be that vocal. He would chirp if he jumped between varying heights. He would squeak if you accidentally stepped on him, and he would growl as he carried toys around in his mouth.

Now, he’ll cry mournfully as he looks for a toy. As he carries it to me. As he drops it by me and waits for me to get out of the shower to throw it. He’ll whine for me to throw it even if he can’t see me and neither of us knows where it is. It’s pretty obnoxious.

Phantom has also become news kinds of annoying; although, he was always a bit annoying. He’s taken to dropping things such as expensive nail polish right off of tables and counters. He’ll grab papers from the mail slot on the fridge and try to eat them. Now, there are plenty of things — whining, knocking magnets down, clawing my boxspring — that he’s done for years. But these are new annoyances.

I love them but, come on now! You’d think that they’d be settled in their weirdness, and I could figure out what I need to do to live happily ever after with them.

Or not.


May 04

I Want A Stormtroopbear

See how fucking cute he is?

STORMTROOPEAR!

STORMTROOPEAR!

That is all.*

*I would also settle for Bearba Fett or Darth Vadebear.**

**It’s not really settling. They’re all pretty adorbz.***

***But I couldn’t think of a pun for Leia. )=


Mar 02

I didn’t blog at all last month.

Oops.

I did, however, meet a new guy. It didn’t work out. C’est la vie.

I finally took down my Christmas tree and decorations.

I made plans for a friend’s birthday this month and to see Panic! at the Disco next month.

I started working with a new client.

I got a credit card as part of my make-my-credit-awesome-and-buy-a-house-plan.

I cleaned up nail polish that my cat broke all over the floor. Twice.

I walked as many miles as the weather would let me. And then I sat around in pain as my ankle unexpected decidedly to hurt me. Walking hurts but not walking hurts more.

I played Ingress, albeit at a much slower pace. Level 11 is only 600k away or so!

I saw Deadpool.

I played a lot of Lord of the Rings Online. But now I’m over it.. for a while.

I decided to read more, and am working my way through at least three books. Keep up with me on Good Reads.

I forgot to pay 2/3 of my bills. Somehow. WTF.

I wrote some more poetry on my writing blog, Lyrical Musings.

I may also have a new theme idea for this blog!

So, yea, I didn’t blog last month.

But I got out of my comfort zone. I laughed and loved. I made my friends happy. I cuddled my cats. I lived.


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